Jasper aged 28
The day after Bella’s 16th birthday, she disappears. For 4 years Edward has searched for the love of his life and when he finally finds her, she does not know who he is. Can he help Bella remember who she was and where she belongs or will she choose the life that she was forced into.
Thursday 28 October 2010
Friday 15 October 2010
chapter 3
I need a friend
“Give me another.” I slammed my hand down on the bar and glared at the bartender.
I watched him take my now empty glass and refill it with my favourite whisky.
“ Hi.” I turned to look at who the voice belonged too.
Staring at her I answered. “ Hi.”
“ Can I get you a drink?” Her voice was soft and low, purring in my ear.
I held my glass up at her and smiled. A wide smile appeared on her face and I know that I could have her tonight. I was not trying to be a cocky bastard I was just good at reading people and I know when someone wants me.
“I’ll get it.” I mumbled.
I took a closer look at the girl, her hair was soft and wavy, her skin flaw less and golden, her lips full, eyes sparking and legs that went for miles underneath her short black dress. I wonder how far I could go with her. Maybe she could break my curse, she had nothing on my Bella but she was gorgeous.
“ I’m Kelly.” I took her hand and kiss it.
“ Edward. “ I announced myself, my voice low and husky.
We talked for the next hour and I found out the usual information; single, no children, worked in a hotel, blah blah. I tried really hard to listen to everything she had been saying, but I could not get my brain to think of anything but what I have witnessed at the hospital.
" Do you want to get out of here?" She asked leaning towards my ear.
Here smell flowed around me, pulling me back to reality.
"Sorry?"
" Do you want to get out of here?" she asked again, licking her lips.
I could do this, I could, couldn't I.
"Sure." I placed my hand in hers, there was no tingles there, no electricity, no heat. I wonder if I’ll ever feel these feelings again with someone. But I won’t get my hopes up, only one girl could make me feel that way and right now I’m trying to block her out of my head.
We walked out of the club heading for the car park, my thoughts drafted to Rose and the changes in her life. I knew what I wanted to do to help her but I also have no idea if she would take my offer or kick my arse for suggesting it.
"This way."
She pulled me into an empty alley.
" Here?" I questioned.
"Yeah, I need you now."
She pulled me against her roughly, just the way I liked it.
I grabbed her hair feeling how soft it was. I really didn't want to fuck her here in a dark, dirty alley - well I was hoping that I would be able to fuck her - maybe it was better to just do it here while I’m aroused.
Her small hands moved slowly up my chest, passed my shoulders around my neck and into my hair. I could feel the Goosebumps on my skin. Maybe things could change tonight, maybe I could fuck someone else beside Heidi.
One of my hands was still in her hair and the other was grabbing tightly to her waist, pulling her closer to my body. I wanted to feel her against me, all of her. I could see her in the light from the gap in the alley, she was fucking hot. I could just make out her grey eyes as they looked into mine. I pulled her face closer to mine and pushed my lips roughly to mine.
My body relaxed against hers, pushing her further into the wall while pressing my body in hers trying to create some friction, the kiss soon grew deeper and depressant, it wasn't romantic or intense like it hoped, it was needy and sloppy, teeth clenching, tongue pushing and pulling.
My hands made their way down her body landing on her arse. I squeezed them roughly, she moaned in my ear and I could feel myself get harder, so far, so good.
I pushed my hips into her more, excited that this was going my way. I wanted to be inside her so badly. She explored my mouth, our tongues fighting for domaince.
I never noticed her hands had moved down my body, until she was trying to unbuckle my belt. I was so happy at how my body was reacting towards this women. Moving my hands from hips to her thighs finding that her dress was around her waist already. When did that happen.
My belt was loose and my zip was down. shit, this happening too fast for my brain to keep up. I quickly moved my hand to her panties, pushed it aside and ran a finger up and down her folds.
Fuck, she was so fucking wet.
"You made this way hot stuff." Fuck I must have said that aloud, I decided to response to her by pushing a finger inside her.
"Oh god Edward, that feels so good." She moaned in my ear. My jeans had fallen onto the ground and her hands moved over my arse again, I added another finger inside stretching here.
"I want you to fuck me now," She was panting heavily, my fingers pumping in and out of her. My head fell on her shoulders, my breath short and heavy.
"Fuck" I mumbled adding my thumb to rub her clit and pumping faster.
"Oh god, Edward, yes."
A huge smile was on my face as I watched her come apart on my hand and also because that I was still so fucking hard it hurt.
"Edward, I want you inside me." She begged, while pulling at my boxers.
"God Yes." If I wasn't in her soon I was going to combust.
I grabbed her thighs with both hands and lifted her up, she wrapped her legs around my waist and my hips buckled into her, I could feel her heat against me. Fuck this was going to happen. My head was swimming from the alcohol I had been drinking all night. Fuck why do always drink so much, images of a white broken body answered my question. I shook the thoughts out of my head I did not want to think about that right now.
"Edward, what's wrong?" she asked, concern in her voice.
"Nothing,"
I crashed my lips to her moving my erection closer, but I felt myself soften a little and panic was building inside. Shit no, I was still hard enough, maybe when I get inside her I will harder more again. Forcing my body closer to her again, I grabbed my cock and pumped myself furiously with one hand and holding her up with the other.
" i hope you like it hard and fast sweetheart," i mumbled " this wouldn’t be nice."
She moaned loudly and it sounded wrong. It was all wrong, the alley, her touch, her smell, it was all wrong.
As quickly as I realised that, my erection disappeared. Fuck.
"Shit" I spat out.
"Edward, please, I can't wait anymore." She begged again. I was still pumping myself hoping my body would cooperate.
I looked her in the eyes, a frown formed on my face, this wasn't going to happen.
" I,I can't, I can't do this, I'm sorry." I stuttered.
"What!" she shouted. Fuck she was pissed. so was I.
" What the fuck, Edward." she started to yell.
" What happened?" she then asked her voice a bit softer after taking in the disappointment in my face.
" I just can't do it" My voice was soft and small.
"But everything was good, you wanted me, I felt it." I pulled away from her slowly, trying to avoid looking her.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Her voice was still low but it hard and cold. Bitch, now I was pissed at her.
"There is nothing wrong with me you bitch, my body just doesn't want you. I don't fucking want you." I spat out.
I quickly pulled up my boxers and jeans up and buckled my belt.
" Oh don't give me that shit, you were begging for me."
" Don't kid yourself sweetheart, I’m a very good actor, my dick took one look at you and fucking ran for the hill."
"You fucking arsehole." Her voice full of venom.
"Tell me something I didn't know" I replied in my sweetest voice.
"Fuck you" she yelled at me again, turned around and walked out of the alley, away from me.
" Fuck."
I grabbed my hair in anger, making it stick up in every direction. Why the fuck does it always happen, every time I try to have sex a girl my body always fails me.
Fuck, fuck fuck.” my anger was building up, reading to explore.
“Fucking son of bitch.”
“Hey dude, you ok?” A young boy stood at the end of the alley where Kelly had just passed.
“Fuck off” I yelled at him. The boy just groaned and walked away. Why? Fucking why?
A sharp pain shot up my arm the same time as I heard a crushing sound of the bones in hand.
“ Argh, Son of a mother fucker, fucking bitch” I yelled so loud I was sure my parents could hear me in fucking Forks. My knuckles were scrapped, my hand throbbing against the stone wall.
“Shit” I knew I had broken my hand, I could see small bones through my skin. My eyes clouded over with tears that were falling down my face. My body gave way and I fell to the ground on my knees holding my hand against my body. My forehead thumped against the wall.
I knew she had saw me, I could feel her eyes watching me ,her perfuming flowing up my nose.
“Sweets?” she asked, making sure it was me. I didn’t look at her, shame covered my whole body.
“I can’t do this anymore Rose.” I sobbed, the lump in my throat to strong to ignore. “ I can’t do it,”
I can feel her crunch beside me, her eyes still moving over her body.
"Do what?" She asked, her voice was gentle and full of concern. The air was thick and heavy, it was still dark, only the glow from the street light covered the pavement and walls with a yellow shine.
"Bella."
My heart clenched as I whispered her name. Rose moved closer to me and started to run her hand in my hair, comforting me, in a mothering gesture, she was going to make a great mom, even if she didn't know it yet.
My sobs grew quicker making my body shake. I wanted to pull away from Rose, I didn't deserve her comfort, but I couldn't done this alone. As much as she was my best friend, Rosalie had never saw me cry before, I have never spoke about the pain that runs through me everyday, I usually kept my feelings to myself and allowed it to consume me when I was alone.
" Edward, it wasn't her. We will find her, it's okay." She whispered sweetly into my ear. I turned around letting my body fall completely on to the ground, Rose was already sitting down so I throw my head into her lap and my arms around her waist, needing her comfort.
I never craved comfort this this before, even when Bella disappeared I never wanted comforted, I just wanted my girl. But right now I needed someone, something, I was tired and lonely. For four years I have closed my self off from the world and everything in it, living in my memories of when I was once happy. Rose never talked about Bella unless we were flying to and fro countries looking for her, we spent the first year barley talking at all to each. But the more time we spent together the more comfortable I was around her and eventually she became my best friend that I would do anything for. However that now leaves me scared and vulnerable, she could walk away from me at any time and I know that I would not make it through this time. not only would I be losing my best friend but I would feel like I was also losing another part of Bella.
"Don't leave me" I sobbed when I felt her move.
"I’m not leaving sweets, just moving to get more comfortable."
I clinged to her tightly, crying into her lap. Man I’m such a pussy. I don't know how long we sat there but Rosalie never tried to move me or push me away. She allowed me to cry until I had no tears left while running one hand through my hair and the other along my cheek, wiping any tears that fell. My heart swelled with the love I felt for Rose. I had never told her I loved her, these words held so much to me. I knew I had to tell her, she was my best friend, she was my family, beside Tanya she was all I had.
"Rose," I choked out, my throat dry from the crying.
"Yeah."
I turned my head and kissed her torso still amazed that she was having a baby. I heard her sign in contentment, still playing with my hair. maybe she would be okay with my idea.
" I’m sorry." I answered guilt and shame laced in my voice.
"Sit up." She ordered. I followed willing and sat beside her with my head on the wall.
She grabbed my face and looked me straight in the eyes, I could see the anger, pain and love behind them. I wanted to cry again witnessing how much she cared for me.
"Don't you apologize to me Edward Cullen, I have waited for years for you to breakdown and finally let me in."
I signed and closed my eyes, I didn't know that I was crying again until I felt her wipe them away. "You have keep everything inside you, carrying all this pain and misery to yourself, you never talk to anyone about it. I though maybe Tanya would break you down but even though she has helped you deal with who you want to be now, you still keep your feelings locked up in here." She placed a hand over my clothed heart emphasizing her point. "So don't even tell me your sorry for expressing how you feel sweets, even when you are being an arsehole." She laughed lightly, trying to break the tense.
I smiled at her and she kissed my forehead, while my eyes still closed I allowed myself to embrace in my friend's love.
"Thank you" I whispered back. She giggled quietly letting go of my face.
"Rose" I opened my eyes and locked them with Rose‘s.
" I love you" I whispered.
Her eyes widened and for a second I thought that I had scared her, I held my breath until a small smile appeared on her glowing face.
" I love you too sweets." My smile grew matching hers.
"Not romantically though." She giggled. I felt a laugh escaped my mouth. She knew that I didn't have an feeling like that for her and I felt she didn't have any for me, that was what made us work. She was like a sister to me But it didn't stop her from making jokes about us together.
"Ah but Rose," I teased " You know you want me."
"Come on Casanova, let's go back to the hotel and talk. My arse is numb from sitting on the ground."
" Oh shit Rose, I’m so sorry that can't be good for the baby."
How the fuck did I not think of that, it is late and cold and made her sit on the cold ground for god know how long when she has a new born growing in her. Fuck I’m failing her already.
" It's alright, the baby is perfectly warm and safe in my womb, it's me that fucking cold." she laughed easing my worry.
"Can we go back to the hospital first, I think I broke my hand." i had done good in ignoring the throbbing pain in my hand.
"Fuck Edward what did you do?"
" I punched the wall." She just laughed at me pulling me out of the alley and back into the now empty street.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
After 5 hours in A&E we arrived back to the hotel hungry and exhausted. I flopped onto the bed, burrowing my head into the pillow. I could her Rose moving around the room, her stomached rumbled loudly reminding me that we still needed to eat. I laughed into the pillows. It had been a long day; emotionally and physically, I felt like shit and my hand throbbed. I knew Rose didn't feel great either, I really wanted to sleep but I knew we had to eat.
"Why don't you take a shower while I get food to feed my girls." The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.
"Your girls?" Her pale face full of shock staring at me.
" Yes, that is my niece inside your tummy." I moved over, bent down and kissed her abdomen.
" Aren't you sweetheart."
" Are you crazy, Edward?" Rose's mouth was wide, her blue eyes blazing.
"Yes, but we can talk about when I get back." My voice was firm and confident, letting me know how serious I was.
"Only if we talk about what happened tonight in that alley?" I signed and nodded my head. I needed someone to know the truth about my actions if i wanted to change. I left Rose in the hotel and found a 24hrs garage and bought some sandwiches, chips, juice and some orange juice for the baby. I didn't know anything about babies but I remember ed Tanya mention that it was good for her bones.
Rosalie was laying on the bed when I got back, the horrid smell of nail polish filled the room.
"Fuck Rose that stinks" I moaned with a scowl on my face.
"It's only nail polish sweets, deal with it. what did ya get?" she asked.
I tossed the food I had bought her onto the bed before making my way to the bathroom. After a quick shower and changed of clothes I settled on the bed stuffing my face. I don’t think I tasted my sandwich it was gone so quick, but at least the ache in my belly was filled, however the ache in my heart was only tamed at he moment. I could still fell it brewing within me, I guess it will never go away.
Rose had been watching me since I came out of the bathroom, probably waiting for me to breakdown again.
“ What?” I mumbled through the food in my mouth.
“ What happened?” She asked straight to the point. Her long blonde hair was pulled into a high ponytail and she was wearing a cute purple shorts and t-shirt set, her face still pale and her blues held sadness and curiously.
I took a deep breath and decided that I needed to tell her everything.
“ I’m not really the manwhore that I make out I am.” My eyes closed, picturing all the times I had taken girls back to hotels. “ I can never go through with it.”
“Through with it?” she repeated in question. “You mean sex?” I opened my eyes, nodding my head at her. “ But I’ve saw you with loads of girls?”
“ I know, things usually go good until the moment” I used air quotes so she knew what stage I was talking about, her eyes wide and her mouth opening. I looked away from her, not wanting to see the disgust in her eyes.
“ Why did you make out that you had sex with them when you never?” I shrugged my shoulders, still not looking at her, the plastic sandwich container suddenly looking very interesting. “ You must know Edward, you made out that your this arsehole that doesn’t care of how he treats woman and how he could get anyone he wants.”
The tone in her voice was sharp and cold, I knew she would be disgusted with me, but I was tired of pretending to be someone I was not. I was tired of not living anymore. Bella would be so disappointed in me if she could see the man I had become.
“Edward look at me.” I turned my head around and looked at her, I was surprised to see that the sadness was still there on her face but there was also worry and relief. What was she relieved about.
“ Why did you lie Edward?” I pinched the bridge of my nose while I tried to think of the best way to explain my actions.
“I’m not really Rose.”
“Yes you do. So tell me” she demanded.
“ ahh.” I started to pace the room hoping it will calm my nerves. “ I wanted a way to forget about everything, even for just a minute, I just wanted to get lost in someone who didn’t know me or what had happened. It was almost like I could be someone else. I wasn’t Edward Cullen the man who lost the love his life, half of his soul. I was Edward Cullen, nobody.”
“Edward.” Rose whispered slowly, I raised my hand to her, I didn’t want to stop now that I started, for the first time ever I wanted to talk about what happened and how I felt.
“ I met the first girl a few months after Bella, well you know, em well I took her back to my hotel nut things turned sour very quick. I thought maybe it was because I had been drinking non-stop but when it happened the next night and the next I knew my theory was wrong.”
I sat down on the bed my body felt very heavy again like it did at the hospital.
“ I felt like I was cursed. I had failed Bella and this was my punishment. Every time I went out or meet a girl that showed any interest in me I tried to prove that I was wrong and I was not cursed.” I signed, placing my head in my hands and than between my knees.
“ Edward. You did fail Bella, it was not your fault that she disappeared.”
“ I was supposed protect her Rose, keep her safe and I didn’t.” I stressed, my eyes glazing over.
“ She was taken from her room Edward, let’s not go there yet okay, you were telling how you lied about sleeping with all those women.”
“ Okay, God I guess I just kept trying and people noticed me with the girls and assumed I had slept with them, I never denied it because I guess, I never cared.” I mumbled the last part.
“ Or maybe because you felt like you were failing.”
Somehow I had moved toward the top of the bed and was leaning against the headboard. I noticed that I was missing a lot of little things lately.
“ Your mind believes you failed Bella and now failing as a man.” I never thought of it that way. But that wouldn’t explain Heidi.
“Okay, em well I did manage to sleep with one person.” I said slowly.
“ Who?”
“ Heidi.”
“ Okay I’m confused.”
“ Me too but somehow my dick has a mind of his own and he likes Heidi, she’s the only women that I’ve fuck in four years, I don’t know why Rose, I don’t even like the women.”
“ Maybe that’s why. Think about Edward, Heidi is everything you detest in a women, the opposite of Bella and I mean this in the best way, but maybe you just don’t care about Heidi. Maybe because you know what kind of person Heidi really is than you don’t care how you treat her. It’s different with girls you just meet because you don’t know anything about them and they are nice women when you meet them.”
I listened to Rose’s theory, but I was now more confused than I was before.
“ I don’t know Rose I …”
“ Edward you are a good guy, I know I didn’t like you before but now I know that deep down, that you Edward Cullen…” she placed both of her hands on my face and turned my head so that I had to look into her baby blues. “ have one of the biggest hearts in the world, look at what you have done for Tanya, everyday you work your arse off trying to get ahead in your job and find as many people as you can as well as search the world for Bella. You never give up Edward.”
I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her close to me.
“ I can’t Rose, I can’t believe she’s gone.” I choked, my chest tighten.
“ I know, but sweets you do have to move on as well, you’ve been stuck in this depression stage for years now, I don’t know what you have to do but you have to find peace with yourself and move on.”
I signed again, my head was now sore and I really just wanted to go to sleep and for get all about this fucking awful day.
“ Can we just go to sleep now, it’s late and I’ve had enough for one day.”
Rose just nodded her head and moved under the covers, I got up and turned the light off and got into the bed.
“ Rose.” I whispered
“ Yeah,”
“Don’t give me an answer, think about it fisrt, but I want you to move in with me. I could help you look after the baby and when school starts again we can sort something out between us. My house is big enough and I have plenty of money to support you.” I faced her, the light from the moon shining her face, there was tears falling down her cheeks, I kissed her forehead.
“ you are not alone in this, I want you both to stay with me. I want to take care of you and my niece, think about it. I love you.” I turned back around, closing my eyes enjoyinng my body relax and sleep slowly take.
“ Biggest heart ever.” I heard her whisper in the dark.
“Give me another.” I slammed my hand down on the bar and glared at the bartender.
I watched him take my now empty glass and refill it with my favourite whisky.
“ Hi.” I turned to look at who the voice belonged too.
Staring at her I answered. “ Hi.”
“ Can I get you a drink?” Her voice was soft and low, purring in my ear.
I held my glass up at her and smiled. A wide smile appeared on her face and I know that I could have her tonight. I was not trying to be a cocky bastard I was just good at reading people and I know when someone wants me.
“I’ll get it.” I mumbled.
I took a closer look at the girl, her hair was soft and wavy, her skin flaw less and golden, her lips full, eyes sparking and legs that went for miles underneath her short black dress. I wonder how far I could go with her. Maybe she could break my curse, she had nothing on my Bella but she was gorgeous.
“ I’m Kelly.” I took her hand and kiss it.
“ Edward. “ I announced myself, my voice low and husky.
We talked for the next hour and I found out the usual information; single, no children, worked in a hotel, blah blah. I tried really hard to listen to everything she had been saying, but I could not get my brain to think of anything but what I have witnessed at the hospital.
" Do you want to get out of here?" She asked leaning towards my ear.
Here smell flowed around me, pulling me back to reality.
"Sorry?"
" Do you want to get out of here?" she asked again, licking her lips.
I could do this, I could, couldn't I.
"Sure." I placed my hand in hers, there was no tingles there, no electricity, no heat. I wonder if I’ll ever feel these feelings again with someone. But I won’t get my hopes up, only one girl could make me feel that way and right now I’m trying to block her out of my head.
We walked out of the club heading for the car park, my thoughts drafted to Rose and the changes in her life. I knew what I wanted to do to help her but I also have no idea if she would take my offer or kick my arse for suggesting it.
"This way."
She pulled me into an empty alley.
" Here?" I questioned.
"Yeah, I need you now."
She pulled me against her roughly, just the way I liked it.
I grabbed her hair feeling how soft it was. I really didn't want to fuck her here in a dark, dirty alley - well I was hoping that I would be able to fuck her - maybe it was better to just do it here while I’m aroused.
Her small hands moved slowly up my chest, passed my shoulders around my neck and into my hair. I could feel the Goosebumps on my skin. Maybe things could change tonight, maybe I could fuck someone else beside Heidi.
One of my hands was still in her hair and the other was grabbing tightly to her waist, pulling her closer to my body. I wanted to feel her against me, all of her. I could see her in the light from the gap in the alley, she was fucking hot. I could just make out her grey eyes as they looked into mine. I pulled her face closer to mine and pushed my lips roughly to mine.
My body relaxed against hers, pushing her further into the wall while pressing my body in hers trying to create some friction, the kiss soon grew deeper and depressant, it wasn't romantic or intense like it hoped, it was needy and sloppy, teeth clenching, tongue pushing and pulling.
My hands made their way down her body landing on her arse. I squeezed them roughly, she moaned in my ear and I could feel myself get harder, so far, so good.
I pushed my hips into her more, excited that this was going my way. I wanted to be inside her so badly. She explored my mouth, our tongues fighting for domaince.
I never noticed her hands had moved down my body, until she was trying to unbuckle my belt. I was so happy at how my body was reacting towards this women. Moving my hands from hips to her thighs finding that her dress was around her waist already. When did that happen.
My belt was loose and my zip was down. shit, this happening too fast for my brain to keep up. I quickly moved my hand to her panties, pushed it aside and ran a finger up and down her folds.
Fuck, she was so fucking wet.
"You made this way hot stuff." Fuck I must have said that aloud, I decided to response to her by pushing a finger inside her.
"Oh god Edward, that feels so good." She moaned in my ear. My jeans had fallen onto the ground and her hands moved over my arse again, I added another finger inside stretching here.
"I want you to fuck me now," She was panting heavily, my fingers pumping in and out of her. My head fell on her shoulders, my breath short and heavy.
"Fuck" I mumbled adding my thumb to rub her clit and pumping faster.
"Oh god, Edward, yes."
A huge smile was on my face as I watched her come apart on my hand and also because that I was still so fucking hard it hurt.
"Edward, I want you inside me." She begged, while pulling at my boxers.
"God Yes." If I wasn't in her soon I was going to combust.
I grabbed her thighs with both hands and lifted her up, she wrapped her legs around my waist and my hips buckled into her, I could feel her heat against me. Fuck this was going to happen. My head was swimming from the alcohol I had been drinking all night. Fuck why do always drink so much, images of a white broken body answered my question. I shook the thoughts out of my head I did not want to think about that right now.
"Edward, what's wrong?" she asked, concern in her voice.
"Nothing,"
I crashed my lips to her moving my erection closer, but I felt myself soften a little and panic was building inside. Shit no, I was still hard enough, maybe when I get inside her I will harder more again. Forcing my body closer to her again, I grabbed my cock and pumped myself furiously with one hand and holding her up with the other.
" i hope you like it hard and fast sweetheart," i mumbled " this wouldn’t be nice."
She moaned loudly and it sounded wrong. It was all wrong, the alley, her touch, her smell, it was all wrong.
As quickly as I realised that, my erection disappeared. Fuck.
"Shit" I spat out.
"Edward, please, I can't wait anymore." She begged again. I was still pumping myself hoping my body would cooperate.
I looked her in the eyes, a frown formed on my face, this wasn't going to happen.
" I,I can't, I can't do this, I'm sorry." I stuttered.
"What!" she shouted. Fuck she was pissed. so was I.
" What the fuck, Edward." she started to yell.
" What happened?" she then asked her voice a bit softer after taking in the disappointment in my face.
" I just can't do it" My voice was soft and small.
"But everything was good, you wanted me, I felt it." I pulled away from her slowly, trying to avoid looking her.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Her voice was still low but it hard and cold. Bitch, now I was pissed at her.
"There is nothing wrong with me you bitch, my body just doesn't want you. I don't fucking want you." I spat out.
I quickly pulled up my boxers and jeans up and buckled my belt.
" Oh don't give me that shit, you were begging for me."
" Don't kid yourself sweetheart, I’m a very good actor, my dick took one look at you and fucking ran for the hill."
"You fucking arsehole." Her voice full of venom.
"Tell me something I didn't know" I replied in my sweetest voice.
"Fuck you" she yelled at me again, turned around and walked out of the alley, away from me.
" Fuck."
I grabbed my hair in anger, making it stick up in every direction. Why the fuck does it always happen, every time I try to have sex a girl my body always fails me.
Fuck, fuck fuck.” my anger was building up, reading to explore.
“Fucking son of bitch.”
“Hey dude, you ok?” A young boy stood at the end of the alley where Kelly had just passed.
“Fuck off” I yelled at him. The boy just groaned and walked away. Why? Fucking why?
A sharp pain shot up my arm the same time as I heard a crushing sound of the bones in hand.
“ Argh, Son of a mother fucker, fucking bitch” I yelled so loud I was sure my parents could hear me in fucking Forks. My knuckles were scrapped, my hand throbbing against the stone wall.
“Shit” I knew I had broken my hand, I could see small bones through my skin. My eyes clouded over with tears that were falling down my face. My body gave way and I fell to the ground on my knees holding my hand against my body. My forehead thumped against the wall.
I knew she had saw me, I could feel her eyes watching me ,her perfuming flowing up my nose.
“Sweets?” she asked, making sure it was me. I didn’t look at her, shame covered my whole body.
“I can’t do this anymore Rose.” I sobbed, the lump in my throat to strong to ignore. “ I can’t do it,”
I can feel her crunch beside me, her eyes still moving over her body.
"Do what?" She asked, her voice was gentle and full of concern. The air was thick and heavy, it was still dark, only the glow from the street light covered the pavement and walls with a yellow shine.
"Bella."
My heart clenched as I whispered her name. Rose moved closer to me and started to run her hand in my hair, comforting me, in a mothering gesture, she was going to make a great mom, even if she didn't know it yet.
My sobs grew quicker making my body shake. I wanted to pull away from Rose, I didn't deserve her comfort, but I couldn't done this alone. As much as she was my best friend, Rosalie had never saw me cry before, I have never spoke about the pain that runs through me everyday, I usually kept my feelings to myself and allowed it to consume me when I was alone.
" Edward, it wasn't her. We will find her, it's okay." She whispered sweetly into my ear. I turned around letting my body fall completely on to the ground, Rose was already sitting down so I throw my head into her lap and my arms around her waist, needing her comfort.
I never craved comfort this this before, even when Bella disappeared I never wanted comforted, I just wanted my girl. But right now I needed someone, something, I was tired and lonely. For four years I have closed my self off from the world and everything in it, living in my memories of when I was once happy. Rose never talked about Bella unless we were flying to and fro countries looking for her, we spent the first year barley talking at all to each. But the more time we spent together the more comfortable I was around her and eventually she became my best friend that I would do anything for. However that now leaves me scared and vulnerable, she could walk away from me at any time and I know that I would not make it through this time. not only would I be losing my best friend but I would feel like I was also losing another part of Bella.
"Don't leave me" I sobbed when I felt her move.
"I’m not leaving sweets, just moving to get more comfortable."
I clinged to her tightly, crying into her lap. Man I’m such a pussy. I don't know how long we sat there but Rosalie never tried to move me or push me away. She allowed me to cry until I had no tears left while running one hand through my hair and the other along my cheek, wiping any tears that fell. My heart swelled with the love I felt for Rose. I had never told her I loved her, these words held so much to me. I knew I had to tell her, she was my best friend, she was my family, beside Tanya she was all I had.
"Rose," I choked out, my throat dry from the crying.
"Yeah."
I turned my head and kissed her torso still amazed that she was having a baby. I heard her sign in contentment, still playing with my hair. maybe she would be okay with my idea.
" I’m sorry." I answered guilt and shame laced in my voice.
"Sit up." She ordered. I followed willing and sat beside her with my head on the wall.
She grabbed my face and looked me straight in the eyes, I could see the anger, pain and love behind them. I wanted to cry again witnessing how much she cared for me.
"Don't you apologize to me Edward Cullen, I have waited for years for you to breakdown and finally let me in."
I signed and closed my eyes, I didn't know that I was crying again until I felt her wipe them away. "You have keep everything inside you, carrying all this pain and misery to yourself, you never talk to anyone about it. I though maybe Tanya would break you down but even though she has helped you deal with who you want to be now, you still keep your feelings locked up in here." She placed a hand over my clothed heart emphasizing her point. "So don't even tell me your sorry for expressing how you feel sweets, even when you are being an arsehole." She laughed lightly, trying to break the tense.
I smiled at her and she kissed my forehead, while my eyes still closed I allowed myself to embrace in my friend's love.
"Thank you" I whispered back. She giggled quietly letting go of my face.
"Rose" I opened my eyes and locked them with Rose‘s.
" I love you" I whispered.
Her eyes widened and for a second I thought that I had scared her, I held my breath until a small smile appeared on her glowing face.
" I love you too sweets." My smile grew matching hers.
"Not romantically though." She giggled. I felt a laugh escaped my mouth. She knew that I didn't have an feeling like that for her and I felt she didn't have any for me, that was what made us work. She was like a sister to me But it didn't stop her from making jokes about us together.
"Ah but Rose," I teased " You know you want me."
"Come on Casanova, let's go back to the hotel and talk. My arse is numb from sitting on the ground."
" Oh shit Rose, I’m so sorry that can't be good for the baby."
How the fuck did I not think of that, it is late and cold and made her sit on the cold ground for god know how long when she has a new born growing in her. Fuck I’m failing her already.
" It's alright, the baby is perfectly warm and safe in my womb, it's me that fucking cold." she laughed easing my worry.
"Can we go back to the hospital first, I think I broke my hand." i had done good in ignoring the throbbing pain in my hand.
"Fuck Edward what did you do?"
" I punched the wall." She just laughed at me pulling me out of the alley and back into the now empty street.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
After 5 hours in A&E we arrived back to the hotel hungry and exhausted. I flopped onto the bed, burrowing my head into the pillow. I could her Rose moving around the room, her stomached rumbled loudly reminding me that we still needed to eat. I laughed into the pillows. It had been a long day; emotionally and physically, I felt like shit and my hand throbbed. I knew Rose didn't feel great either, I really wanted to sleep but I knew we had to eat.
"Why don't you take a shower while I get food to feed my girls." The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.
"Your girls?" Her pale face full of shock staring at me.
" Yes, that is my niece inside your tummy." I moved over, bent down and kissed her abdomen.
" Aren't you sweetheart."
" Are you crazy, Edward?" Rose's mouth was wide, her blue eyes blazing.
"Yes, but we can talk about when I get back." My voice was firm and confident, letting me know how serious I was.
"Only if we talk about what happened tonight in that alley?" I signed and nodded my head. I needed someone to know the truth about my actions if i wanted to change. I left Rose in the hotel and found a 24hrs garage and bought some sandwiches, chips, juice and some orange juice for the baby. I didn't know anything about babies but I remember ed Tanya mention that it was good for her bones.
Rosalie was laying on the bed when I got back, the horrid smell of nail polish filled the room.
"Fuck Rose that stinks" I moaned with a scowl on my face.
"It's only nail polish sweets, deal with it. what did ya get?" she asked.
I tossed the food I had bought her onto the bed before making my way to the bathroom. After a quick shower and changed of clothes I settled on the bed stuffing my face. I don’t think I tasted my sandwich it was gone so quick, but at least the ache in my belly was filled, however the ache in my heart was only tamed at he moment. I could still fell it brewing within me, I guess it will never go away.
Rose had been watching me since I came out of the bathroom, probably waiting for me to breakdown again.
“ What?” I mumbled through the food in my mouth.
“ What happened?” She asked straight to the point. Her long blonde hair was pulled into a high ponytail and she was wearing a cute purple shorts and t-shirt set, her face still pale and her blues held sadness and curiously.
I took a deep breath and decided that I needed to tell her everything.
“ I’m not really the manwhore that I make out I am.” My eyes closed, picturing all the times I had taken girls back to hotels. “ I can never go through with it.”
“Through with it?” she repeated in question. “You mean sex?” I opened my eyes, nodding my head at her. “ But I’ve saw you with loads of girls?”
“ I know, things usually go good until the moment” I used air quotes so she knew what stage I was talking about, her eyes wide and her mouth opening. I looked away from her, not wanting to see the disgust in her eyes.
“ Why did you make out that you had sex with them when you never?” I shrugged my shoulders, still not looking at her, the plastic sandwich container suddenly looking very interesting. “ You must know Edward, you made out that your this arsehole that doesn’t care of how he treats woman and how he could get anyone he wants.”
The tone in her voice was sharp and cold, I knew she would be disgusted with me, but I was tired of pretending to be someone I was not. I was tired of not living anymore. Bella would be so disappointed in me if she could see the man I had become.
“Edward look at me.” I turned my head around and looked at her, I was surprised to see that the sadness was still there on her face but there was also worry and relief. What was she relieved about.
“ Why did you lie Edward?” I pinched the bridge of my nose while I tried to think of the best way to explain my actions.
“I’m not really Rose.”
“Yes you do. So tell me” she demanded.
“ ahh.” I started to pace the room hoping it will calm my nerves. “ I wanted a way to forget about everything, even for just a minute, I just wanted to get lost in someone who didn’t know me or what had happened. It was almost like I could be someone else. I wasn’t Edward Cullen the man who lost the love his life, half of his soul. I was Edward Cullen, nobody.”
“Edward.” Rose whispered slowly, I raised my hand to her, I didn’t want to stop now that I started, for the first time ever I wanted to talk about what happened and how I felt.
“ I met the first girl a few months after Bella, well you know, em well I took her back to my hotel nut things turned sour very quick. I thought maybe it was because I had been drinking non-stop but when it happened the next night and the next I knew my theory was wrong.”
I sat down on the bed my body felt very heavy again like it did at the hospital.
“ I felt like I was cursed. I had failed Bella and this was my punishment. Every time I went out or meet a girl that showed any interest in me I tried to prove that I was wrong and I was not cursed.” I signed, placing my head in my hands and than between my knees.
“ Edward. You did fail Bella, it was not your fault that she disappeared.”
“ I was supposed protect her Rose, keep her safe and I didn’t.” I stressed, my eyes glazing over.
“ She was taken from her room Edward, let’s not go there yet okay, you were telling how you lied about sleeping with all those women.”
“ Okay, God I guess I just kept trying and people noticed me with the girls and assumed I had slept with them, I never denied it because I guess, I never cared.” I mumbled the last part.
“ Or maybe because you felt like you were failing.”
Somehow I had moved toward the top of the bed and was leaning against the headboard. I noticed that I was missing a lot of little things lately.
“ Your mind believes you failed Bella and now failing as a man.” I never thought of it that way. But that wouldn’t explain Heidi.
“Okay, em well I did manage to sleep with one person.” I said slowly.
“ Who?”
“ Heidi.”
“ Okay I’m confused.”
“ Me too but somehow my dick has a mind of his own and he likes Heidi, she’s the only women that I’ve fuck in four years, I don’t know why Rose, I don’t even like the women.”
“ Maybe that’s why. Think about Edward, Heidi is everything you detest in a women, the opposite of Bella and I mean this in the best way, but maybe you just don’t care about Heidi. Maybe because you know what kind of person Heidi really is than you don’t care how you treat her. It’s different with girls you just meet because you don’t know anything about them and they are nice women when you meet them.”
I listened to Rose’s theory, but I was now more confused than I was before.
“ I don’t know Rose I …”
“ Edward you are a good guy, I know I didn’t like you before but now I know that deep down, that you Edward Cullen…” she placed both of her hands on my face and turned my head so that I had to look into her baby blues. “ have one of the biggest hearts in the world, look at what you have done for Tanya, everyday you work your arse off trying to get ahead in your job and find as many people as you can as well as search the world for Bella. You never give up Edward.”
I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her close to me.
“ I can’t Rose, I can’t believe she’s gone.” I choked, my chest tighten.
“ I know, but sweets you do have to move on as well, you’ve been stuck in this depression stage for years now, I don’t know what you have to do but you have to find peace with yourself and move on.”
I signed again, my head was now sore and I really just wanted to go to sleep and for get all about this fucking awful day.
“ Can we just go to sleep now, it’s late and I’ve had enough for one day.”
Rose just nodded her head and moved under the covers, I got up and turned the light off and got into the bed.
“ Rose.” I whispered
“ Yeah,”
“Don’t give me an answer, think about it fisrt, but I want you to move in with me. I could help you look after the baby and when school starts again we can sort something out between us. My house is big enough and I have plenty of money to support you.” I faced her, the light from the moon shining her face, there was tears falling down her cheeks, I kissed her forehead.
“ you are not alone in this, I want you both to stay with me. I want to take care of you and my niece, think about it. I love you.” I turned back around, closing my eyes enjoyinng my body relax and sleep slowly take.
“ Biggest heart ever.” I heard her whisper in the dark.
Thursday 14 October 2010
chapter 2 - here we go again
Epov
The airport was busy for a Thursday afternoon, I expected a lot of men or women in suits flying to and from places on business, but today I all could fucking see were families and couples everywhere. Fathers were chasing their sons around the seats with a toddler dangling from his arms like an extra body apart waiting to fall off, the mothers were checking in their handbags making sure they had all their passports, tickets, baby wipes, while the children were too excited to sit in one place so they would jump from chair to chair irritating their parents every 5 minutes asking if that was their plane over this way or that way.
Looking around my seat, boredom was fucking kicking in when I spotted a brown haired little boy about 10 years old sitting against the window looking at all the planes outside while a blonde girl sat next to him reading a book. The scene before me was so familiar, that little boy was me a few years ago. I felt the longing in my heart when I think about how my family had gone on so many holidays with Bella's family. Every year our families would join together, pick somewhere hot with a big beach and lots of water sports and we would all fly out together. We'd spend two of the best weeks together enjoying the sunshine and water which was something that rarely happened in folks, well the sunshine at least, there was plenty of fucking water around with the forks weather.
I remember our holiday in California when things first changed between me and Bella.
" Edward come on, I want to get on a sports ride man," Emmett yelled at me, I had agreed to spend the day trying out all the water sports rides that was available, now that I was fifteen, 5ft 6in and still growing I was allowed on most of the rides. I was excited to try them out, I had watched Emmett for the last three year go on rides that was I was either too short or young to go on and now I can go on anyone I want, but Bella was still really small and a lot younger than me therefore she would be refused the rides. She said that she didn't care, that she wanted to go shopping and sunbath by the beach but I knew Bella and even though she is a girl, she doesn't like shopping unless it was in a book stores so I knew that she was lying.
"Edward, come on."
"What about Bella, we can't leave her on her own Em," I questioned the guilt sitting in my stomach.
"Bella's fine, she wouldn't like them anyway, come on." I finally agreed and went grumpily with him, I felt really guilty, leaving my best friend behind.
We had spent hours trying out all the rides that were there and eventually we went back to the hotel when we had ran out of money.
My skin felt hot and tingly from the sun, I knew that this was the start of my sunburn I just hope that it is to bad that I get sunstroke. I didn't want to spent the rest of my holiday sick.
"Ah your back Edward, how's was your day son?" My father asked from the sofa that was in the hotel family room. He was leaning down with my mother beside him watching some Spanish show.
"It was good dad, I think I got sunburn though" I answered him while trying to look at my back in the main mirror.
"How many times do I have to remind you to kept applying sunscreen, you don't want skin cancer Edward?" My father signed and ran his hand through his blonde hair, it was a habit that I had picked up on when I worried or nervous.
"I did put some on dad; I guess I never put on enough. I'm gonna go take a shower,"
I didn't wait for them to reply, I really wasn't in the mood for my father's lecture on skin cancer again. Sometime it was great haven your father as the local doctor but often he would lecture me about shit like how unhealthy I was eating McDonalds all the time instead of a healthy meal or that smoking was the number one source for cancer. I loved my dad, I wanted to be doctor just like him but I promised myself that I would leave the doctor in hospital and be Edward at home when I was older. My son can eat all the McDonalds he wanted, hell I will be there eating them with him.
I quickly ran a cool shower and slowly stepped in, the water burned on my skin, cooling down the sunburn. My mind drafted off to Bella, I felt really guilty for leaving her alone. I know she said she didn't mind but I also know that Bella would say anything if she thought it would make other people happy. Maybe I could make it up to her, spend tomorrow with her, doing anything she wanted to do, yeah that's what I'll do, make her pick something that she really wants to do and I would do it with her.
I was thinking about the plan that had formed in my head while I got out the shower, dried my body and wrapped the towel around my waist. I started humming a tune that had started to build in my head for the last couple of days, I didn't know what it was but I knew that I had to get down on paper as soon as I got home.
I stopped still when I opened the bathroom door. Bella was sitting on the edge of my bed, her long hair was tied in a high pony tail and she was wearing a pair of denim jeans and a white t-shirt. She looked adorable, she always looked adorable to me even on Sundays when we would sat around and watch Friends on the TV and she was in her holey sweats and her dads t-shirt.
"Hey," I mumbled quietly.
"Hey" she answered. "Your mum told me to tell you to be ready in an hour."
"Ok,"
I walked over to my suitcase and pulled out a pair of jeans and t-shirt.
"Can you wait here for a sec, I want to talk to you about something." She nodded her head and I hurried back into the bathroom to get dressed.
Bella was still sitting on the bed when I went back into my room so I sat beside her. I don't know why I was suddenly so nervous, it was only Bella, she was my best friend but right now something was different and I didn't know what it was. It was like this earlier, or yesterday or even the day before when she stayed over at my house and we both fell asleep on the couch and I woke up the next morning with her head on my chest and our legs wrapped around each other.
"I'm sorry I left you on your own today," I blurted out.
"It's ok, I never excepted you to hang out with all the time Edward, I'm glad you got to have fun with Emmet."
I watched as she bit in her bottom lip, something was worrying her, she always bite her lips when she was worried.
"If you're ok with it, than what's wrong?"
She let out a deep sign. I could feel my heart beat speed up and hands started to sweat, what the hell was wrong with me. I couldn't shake the tension in the room and I have no idea why it was even there.
She finally looked at me, her deep brown eyes stared at me and I felt a chill run down my spine. It was like she was looking into my soul searching for something. The feeling in my stomach and they way she was looking at me was starting to scare the crap out of me.
"Bella, what is it?"
"Can you kiss me please?" What? Kiss her?
"Kiss you?" I asked, my eyes were wide with shock. I don't know what shocked me more, the fact that Bella - my best friend, who I had knew my whole life, who I used to share a bath with, - wants me to kiss her or the fact that I realized that I really wanted to kiss her.
" I made some friends today, they are my age and well, they were talking about what boys they have kissed and what it was like. I didn't know what to say to them as I've never kissed a boy, I mean really kissed a boy, not like the kiss we give each other at Christmas and they made it sound like it was good and fun. I really want to try it and I don't want just anyone to be my first kiss Edward…"
She looked at me from under her eyelashes, her eyes pleading with me. I don't know why or where these feelings had suddenly came from but I really wanted to say yes to her.
"I want it to be with you."
" I don't know Bella, I want to, I really want to, but what if your dad find out, he has a gun and I'm fifteen almost sixteen Bella and your only Thirteen, I don't think your dad well…" I was rumbling until she placed her small finger over my mouth. I suddenly wanted to kiss her finger, taste her. Well my hormones are alive and kicking today.
God Charlie is going to fucking kill me.
"My dad doesn't need to know and you're not that much older, Emmett kissed Rose and he's a little older than you are."
"What? When?"
"Christmas, Rose told me,"
"Oh, I still don't know" I was nodded my head trying to get the perverted thoughts out of my head.
"I trust you Edward; I want my first real kiss to be with you, not some stupid boy I don't know"
"What boy?" I asked her with venom in my voice. I didn't want any other boy kissing my Bella.
My Bella?
"Sam, one of the boys that I meet today, he asked if he could kiss me." I watched as she licked her lips, making them all kissable.
I looked her straight in the eyes.
"Are you sure?" I asked, I want to make sure that she really wanted this. She nodded her head, never taking her eyes from mine. I could see the honest and lust behind them. She really wanted me, Bella wanted to kiss me. My heart leapt at the thought of Bella wanting me, only me.
For the first time I had butterflies in my stomach, I had kissed a few girl before but I had never had these type of feeling before.
I looked at her lips, than her eyes and she done the same. I slowly moved my head closer to her, Bella copy my moves until I could feel her lips pressed against mine. There was a warm burning feeling flowing through my body, making me feel alive. I had no idea what it was but I wanted more off it. I pulled away and looked at Bella making sure she was okay, she just looked at me, smiled and looked at lips again. I didn't have a chance to think about anything before her lips were back onto mine; this time they started moving with each other. The burning feeling was getting stronger and than Bella moaned. She moaned in mouth and suddenly my teenage hormones were in overdrive, fighting to get some release.
I'm not sure how long we continued to kiss like this but I wanted more. I wanted to taste her, feel her tongue against mine.
"Bella" I whispered in to her as we pulled apart to take a quick breath.
"Edward." she whispered back to me and push her lips back onto mine again. I pulled her body closer to mine and ran my tongue along her bottom lip, silently asking if she wanted more. She grabbed me tightly by the hair, opened her mouth and pushed her tongue passed my teeth and touched the top of my tongue with hers. a moan escaped my mouth this time before I could control it, this feel so good.
I had let her take the lead, as she had never done this before and I wanted her to explore me, show me what she wanted. However a little guidance didn't hurt, so I gentle wrapped my tongue around her and than sucked on her bottom lips. A louder moan escaped her mouth making my heart do cartwheels. I could feel myself getting harder with her body being so close, I had to stop before it got out of control but fuck this felt so amazing I never wanted it to end. But if I wanted to live I had to stop.
I gentle pulled away from her, resting my forehead on hers, trying to control my breath.
"Bella, baby," I whispered to her, I didn't really know what to say. How do you tell your best friend who is three years younger that they have just gave you the kiss of your life. That your body is screamer for more, without feeling like a pervert or scaring her away.
"That was amazing Edward, Thank you." She ran her hand along my cheek and in that moment I knew things had changed for us. I knew that she want me, I could see in her eyes.
I spent the next year and half stealing little kisses like that from her, I made sure that they didn't go any further than just kisses. She was too young, too innocent. But one new years eve when Bella was fifteen and I was eighteen I approached Charlie half an hour before midnight and admitted that I was in love with his daughter.
He laughed at me and told me that he already knew that but we would talk about later. I told him I wanted to tell her and kiss her at the bells, he just nodded his head and repeated "just a kiss" to me, I knew that was my warning from him. At midnight I asked Bella to officially be my girlfriend and kissed her, showing her everything I felt for her.
There were no more innocent kisses after that night.I had finished two packets if skittles while I had taken my trip down memory lane.
I put the third packet in my pocket for on the plane. The little boy and girl had gone when I looked over to where they had been. I hope that boy's life doesn't hold the same fate as I mine, I wouldn't wish for this fucking life on anyone. Well I could think of a few little shits. I took a deep breath, I really wanted to stay calm while I make the trip but truthfully I fucking tired from of building myself up in hope of some good news about Bella only for it to be shattered when nothing has been found.
I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket so I pulled it out and read the text quietly.
I'm here
I looked up at the main doors and smiled at her, watching her golden blonde hair dangled around her shoulders, while resting on top of her checked shirt as she approached me.
"Let me get that."
I grabbed the large fucking girly holdall that she was carry around with her. I never understood why she would pack so much shit for one night, two at the most, but as she reminded me, so many times is that she is a girl and girls need more shit.
"Thanks Edward, where are going this time?" she asked, her voice sounded tired. I looked closely at her, she had dark circles under her eyes and her face was pale, very pale.
" Em, San Francisco," I paused well she just nodded her head, she really did looked too pale.
"Rose, are you feeling ok?"
She signed "Yeah I'm fine,"
I did not believe her, her eyes looked sad and her face was drawn, as if she had been up all night worrying about something. I arched my right eyebrow to let know I wasn't buying her story.
"I don't want to talk about it right now sweets," she gave me a small smile asking me to leave her alone. So I did. For now.
We made it to San Francisco almost three hours later. The sky was getting dark and my body was getting tired but my mind was alive. A thousand different scenarios were forming in my head of what I may find tonight. What if this girl is Bella? Than what? Do I ask Charlie to fly over or do I send the body over to forks. What if it isn't Bella? Do I keep looking for her while I'm here? My mind was thinking of practical solutions while my heart felt like it breaking again from the idea of that dead girl being Bella.
We checked into the Millbrae California Green Hotel as it was the closes hotel to the fucking airport that had rooms available at short notice. I just wanted to get to the hospital and get this shit over with. We had done this so many time before that I was good at blocking out the event, but somehow today it was different. I was scared shitless, I was terrified that this feeling may mean that it is Bella this time, that my gut was wrong and I'll never get her back.
"Good evening sir," an older woman asked.
I signed and nodded my head in disgust, this women was about forty. She looked good for her age with her long blonde hair and glassy eyes but she was about the same age as my mother. She had a twinkle in her eye and licked her lips at me, staring me. I knew the signs, women would hit on me all the time but I really was not in the mood for this shit. The fact the Rosalie was standing next to me, her small hand linked with mine obviously meant nothing to the women behind the desk.
"Cullen," I grunted at her, trying not to make eye contact.
"Oh yes, here we are, Cullen, room 32." Rose stepped in front of me, grabbed our keys and gives the women a huge dazzling smile.
"Come on honey, let's go to our room." She emphasized the word our and I just smiled at the women as a scowl appeared on her face.
"Lead the way baby."
The room was small but cozy, there was large king side bed in the middle of the room with bedside cabinets at each side. The walls were beige with a painting above the bed.
I placed our bags on the desk in front of me and turn around to find Rose sitting on the edge of the bed putting her hair into a high ponytail. I stared at her for a couple minutes.
There was no doubt that Rose was a beautiful women, she was tall, curvy, blonde and had a passion for cars. She can bring any man to his knees and was unbelievably loyal to the people she loved.
I was gratefully to say that she is my best friend. It still amazes me how much things change. Rosalie used to hate me; she was Bella's best friend and was never shy in telling us how much she disapproved of our relationship.
But now she is the only person who stood by me in everything I did. She supported when I changed my major and never judged my reasons for doing it. She has joined me in every trip I have taken to find Bella. She was the only person that sat besides my hospital bed all-night waiting for me to wake after I tried to fucking end my life. She was the one who broke my nose when she found a bag of coke in my flat. She was the one who was with me when I brought Tanya home for the first time. Tanya is one that made me feel something again; she makes me want to live, to love. Rosalie was the one guiding me, supporting me, believing in me, listening to me cry about my heartache.
Rosalie was always the strong one in our relationship.
But right now she looked weak and vulnerable; she didn't look like Rose I knew.
I moved and sat beside her, placing my arm around her waist so she would try to move away.
"Rose?"
She turned and looked at me, her big blue eyes was glassing over with tears.
"Talk to me. We're not going anywhere until you tell me what's going on."
She signed and wiped the tears that had fallen. She whispered something so low I couldn't hear.
"What?"
Still not looking at me she answered, a little louder this time.
"I'm pregnant."
"Pregnant? Rose look at me please,"
She lifted her head and turned toward. Pregnant? I'm sure my face showed how shocked I was. But I tried to keep my emotion in check.
"Why are crying? Don't you want this?" I asked
" agh, I do. I've always wanted kids you know that, but I wanted to be married first, with a job and house." She pulled away from my arms and started to pace the tiny floor in front of me.
" How am I going to look after a baby Edward, I'm still at college, I don't have any money and I live in a dorm with three other girls."
"Who's the dad?" I asked, Rose wasn't the type of girls who would just sleep with a guy because she felt like it. So I had an idea who it was and I was praying I was wrong.
The look on her face told me that I wasn't
"For fuck sake Rose, after everything he's done." I was trying not to shout at her, she was upset enough.
"He changed?"
"Really, have you fucking told him?" She just nodded her head, telling me she hadn't told him.
"Why not. If he's changed so fucking much than why have you not told him you're pregnant?" I yelled at her.
"I thought he had changed his mind about us, I thought he wanted to get back together." She yelled back at me, a sob escaping her.
"He told me that he was sorry, that he still loved me but didn't want to be with me." Her voice breaking at the end. I moved across to her and wrapped my arms around her. I knew she still love Emmett, he was to her what Bella was to me. I never understood why he dumped her when he needed her the most and has continued to push her away every since.
"Shh, it will be ok, I promise."
"Can we talk about this later; we need to get to the hospital right now." She mumbled into my chest. I ran my hand up and down her back hoping to comfort her in some way.
" Ok, we will talk about this later, everything will be ok. I promise Rose." I looked at her in the eyes, my green on her blue, making sure she knew how serious I was. She nodded her head again that she understood.
"I'm just going to wash my face than we can go."
I now hated fucking hospitals, the smell, the coldness, even the sound of everyone fucking shoes got on my nerves.
I no longer believed it to be a place for people to heal, for doctors to save lives or for children to be brought into the world.
Now it was a building that was full of individuals dying, leaving the world. For families to be rip apart or lives to be stolen from them.
It was the place that I now feared the most.
My biggest fear was that it would be here in a hospital where I would have to say goodbye to my love. Going through these doors to find her laying lifeless body laying on the table. I thought it would get easier they more I did this, but every time I stood outside the doors, I found it harder to walk through them.
I paced outside the door where I knew the girl - which Jenks believes to be my Bella- lay behind.
My hands felt hot and sweaty and the nausea is rolling around in my stomach waiting for the exit sign to my throat. My mind was praying that it was not her, that I could spend at least one more day believing she was out there, alive.
After about half an hour after we arrived we walked through the door. I always called them the doors of destruction, no matter who was behind that door; somebody was losing a loved one. Someone's life was being destroyed. Please don't let it be mine.
Rose grabbed my hand squeezing it hard. I knew this was just has hard for her, Bella was like a sister to Rose, over the last four years she has become like sister to me and I was fucking grateful she was here.
I stared at the glass window, waiting for the curtains to open. My body felt so heavy, so heavy that it was almost falling to the ground. I squeezed Rose hand tighter trying to hold onto something that was real because this didn't feel real. It never did.
"Edward, breath." Rose whispered into my ear.
I closed my eyes really tight and started to take deep breath. I felt like I was drunk, my body was shaken and my head felt like it was swaying as if I was standing on a boat. I guess it was also like I was floating, but I couldn't get of the ground as my body was weighting me down. I was always nervous and always felt nausea in my stomach when I viewing a body, the feelings were almost the same as when you are waiting for the dentist to pull your teeth out or the feeling you get in the pit of your stomach as you wait for the big drop on the rollercoaster rides.
But this feeling was more, it was deeper and it was scaring the shit out of me.
"Edward, are you going to be ok?"
I just nodded my head; I was scared the nausea would have finally made its way to my throat.
"The curtains are opening" she informed me.
I could this. It is not Bella, it is not Bella.
I felt Rose gasp and throw her head into my chest which made my eyes fly open.
There laying a cold table was a young girl about nineteen, twenty. Long brown hair that was flowed down the side of her body. Her face was pale and innocent, she looked like she was sleeping. I could see the bruises around her neck. She had been murdered, someone had marked her body.
I felt a burn in my stomach building as I stared that the girl, it was grew stronger the longer I stared.
I wanted to scream but I couldn't move my body, all of it was shaken.
It felt like I was standing there for hours even though it was only minutes, maybe even seconds.
My brain was telling me to look away but my eyes refused to move, freezing my body in place.
That changed the moment that burning and the nausea began to become too much and turned around pulling away from Rosalie and threw up in the corner of the room.
The airport was busy for a Thursday afternoon, I expected a lot of men or women in suits flying to and from places on business, but today I all could fucking see were families and couples everywhere. Fathers were chasing their sons around the seats with a toddler dangling from his arms like an extra body apart waiting to fall off, the mothers were checking in their handbags making sure they had all their passports, tickets, baby wipes, while the children were too excited to sit in one place so they would jump from chair to chair irritating their parents every 5 minutes asking if that was their plane over this way or that way.
Looking around my seat, boredom was fucking kicking in when I spotted a brown haired little boy about 10 years old sitting against the window looking at all the planes outside while a blonde girl sat next to him reading a book. The scene before me was so familiar, that little boy was me a few years ago. I felt the longing in my heart when I think about how my family had gone on so many holidays with Bella's family. Every year our families would join together, pick somewhere hot with a big beach and lots of water sports and we would all fly out together. We'd spend two of the best weeks together enjoying the sunshine and water which was something that rarely happened in folks, well the sunshine at least, there was plenty of fucking water around with the forks weather.
I remember our holiday in California when things first changed between me and Bella.
" Edward come on, I want to get on a sports ride man," Emmett yelled at me, I had agreed to spend the day trying out all the water sports rides that was available, now that I was fifteen, 5ft 6in and still growing I was allowed on most of the rides. I was excited to try them out, I had watched Emmett for the last three year go on rides that was I was either too short or young to go on and now I can go on anyone I want, but Bella was still really small and a lot younger than me therefore she would be refused the rides. She said that she didn't care, that she wanted to go shopping and sunbath by the beach but I knew Bella and even though she is a girl, she doesn't like shopping unless it was in a book stores so I knew that she was lying.
"Edward, come on."
"What about Bella, we can't leave her on her own Em," I questioned the guilt sitting in my stomach.
"Bella's fine, she wouldn't like them anyway, come on." I finally agreed and went grumpily with him, I felt really guilty, leaving my best friend behind.
We had spent hours trying out all the rides that were there and eventually we went back to the hotel when we had ran out of money.
My skin felt hot and tingly from the sun, I knew that this was the start of my sunburn I just hope that it is to bad that I get sunstroke. I didn't want to spent the rest of my holiday sick.
"Ah your back Edward, how's was your day son?" My father asked from the sofa that was in the hotel family room. He was leaning down with my mother beside him watching some Spanish show.
"It was good dad, I think I got sunburn though" I answered him while trying to look at my back in the main mirror.
"How many times do I have to remind you to kept applying sunscreen, you don't want skin cancer Edward?" My father signed and ran his hand through his blonde hair, it was a habit that I had picked up on when I worried or nervous.
"I did put some on dad; I guess I never put on enough. I'm gonna go take a shower,"
I didn't wait for them to reply, I really wasn't in the mood for my father's lecture on skin cancer again. Sometime it was great haven your father as the local doctor but often he would lecture me about shit like how unhealthy I was eating McDonalds all the time instead of a healthy meal or that smoking was the number one source for cancer. I loved my dad, I wanted to be doctor just like him but I promised myself that I would leave the doctor in hospital and be Edward at home when I was older. My son can eat all the McDonalds he wanted, hell I will be there eating them with him.
I quickly ran a cool shower and slowly stepped in, the water burned on my skin, cooling down the sunburn. My mind drafted off to Bella, I felt really guilty for leaving her alone. I know she said she didn't mind but I also know that Bella would say anything if she thought it would make other people happy. Maybe I could make it up to her, spend tomorrow with her, doing anything she wanted to do, yeah that's what I'll do, make her pick something that she really wants to do and I would do it with her.
I was thinking about the plan that had formed in my head while I got out the shower, dried my body and wrapped the towel around my waist. I started humming a tune that had started to build in my head for the last couple of days, I didn't know what it was but I knew that I had to get down on paper as soon as I got home.
I stopped still when I opened the bathroom door. Bella was sitting on the edge of my bed, her long hair was tied in a high pony tail and she was wearing a pair of denim jeans and a white t-shirt. She looked adorable, she always looked adorable to me even on Sundays when we would sat around and watch Friends on the TV and she was in her holey sweats and her dads t-shirt.
"Hey," I mumbled quietly.
"Hey" she answered. "Your mum told me to tell you to be ready in an hour."
"Ok,"
I walked over to my suitcase and pulled out a pair of jeans and t-shirt.
"Can you wait here for a sec, I want to talk to you about something." She nodded her head and I hurried back into the bathroom to get dressed.
Bella was still sitting on the bed when I went back into my room so I sat beside her. I don't know why I was suddenly so nervous, it was only Bella, she was my best friend but right now something was different and I didn't know what it was. It was like this earlier, or yesterday or even the day before when she stayed over at my house and we both fell asleep on the couch and I woke up the next morning with her head on my chest and our legs wrapped around each other.
"I'm sorry I left you on your own today," I blurted out.
"It's ok, I never excepted you to hang out with all the time Edward, I'm glad you got to have fun with Emmet."
I watched as she bit in her bottom lip, something was worrying her, she always bite her lips when she was worried.
"If you're ok with it, than what's wrong?"
She let out a deep sign. I could feel my heart beat speed up and hands started to sweat, what the hell was wrong with me. I couldn't shake the tension in the room and I have no idea why it was even there.
She finally looked at me, her deep brown eyes stared at me and I felt a chill run down my spine. It was like she was looking into my soul searching for something. The feeling in my stomach and they way she was looking at me was starting to scare the crap out of me.
"Bella, what is it?"
"Can you kiss me please?" What? Kiss her?
"Kiss you?" I asked, my eyes were wide with shock. I don't know what shocked me more, the fact that Bella - my best friend, who I had knew my whole life, who I used to share a bath with, - wants me to kiss her or the fact that I realized that I really wanted to kiss her.
" I made some friends today, they are my age and well, they were talking about what boys they have kissed and what it was like. I didn't know what to say to them as I've never kissed a boy, I mean really kissed a boy, not like the kiss we give each other at Christmas and they made it sound like it was good and fun. I really want to try it and I don't want just anyone to be my first kiss Edward…"
She looked at me from under her eyelashes, her eyes pleading with me. I don't know why or where these feelings had suddenly came from but I really wanted to say yes to her.
"I want it to be with you."
" I don't know Bella, I want to, I really want to, but what if your dad find out, he has a gun and I'm fifteen almost sixteen Bella and your only Thirteen, I don't think your dad well…" I was rumbling until she placed her small finger over my mouth. I suddenly wanted to kiss her finger, taste her. Well my hormones are alive and kicking today.
God Charlie is going to fucking kill me.
"My dad doesn't need to know and you're not that much older, Emmett kissed Rose and he's a little older than you are."
"What? When?"
"Christmas, Rose told me,"
"Oh, I still don't know" I was nodded my head trying to get the perverted thoughts out of my head.
"I trust you Edward; I want my first real kiss to be with you, not some stupid boy I don't know"
"What boy?" I asked her with venom in my voice. I didn't want any other boy kissing my Bella.
My Bella?
"Sam, one of the boys that I meet today, he asked if he could kiss me." I watched as she licked her lips, making them all kissable.
I looked her straight in the eyes.
"Are you sure?" I asked, I want to make sure that she really wanted this. She nodded her head, never taking her eyes from mine. I could see the honest and lust behind them. She really wanted me, Bella wanted to kiss me. My heart leapt at the thought of Bella wanting me, only me.
For the first time I had butterflies in my stomach, I had kissed a few girl before but I had never had these type of feeling before.
I looked at her lips, than her eyes and she done the same. I slowly moved my head closer to her, Bella copy my moves until I could feel her lips pressed against mine. There was a warm burning feeling flowing through my body, making me feel alive. I had no idea what it was but I wanted more off it. I pulled away and looked at Bella making sure she was okay, she just looked at me, smiled and looked at lips again. I didn't have a chance to think about anything before her lips were back onto mine; this time they started moving with each other. The burning feeling was getting stronger and than Bella moaned. She moaned in mouth and suddenly my teenage hormones were in overdrive, fighting to get some release.
I'm not sure how long we continued to kiss like this but I wanted more. I wanted to taste her, feel her tongue against mine.
"Bella" I whispered in to her as we pulled apart to take a quick breath.
"Edward." she whispered back to me and push her lips back onto mine again. I pulled her body closer to mine and ran my tongue along her bottom lip, silently asking if she wanted more. She grabbed me tightly by the hair, opened her mouth and pushed her tongue passed my teeth and touched the top of my tongue with hers. a moan escaped my mouth this time before I could control it, this feel so good.
I had let her take the lead, as she had never done this before and I wanted her to explore me, show me what she wanted. However a little guidance didn't hurt, so I gentle wrapped my tongue around her and than sucked on her bottom lips. A louder moan escaped her mouth making my heart do cartwheels. I could feel myself getting harder with her body being so close, I had to stop before it got out of control but fuck this felt so amazing I never wanted it to end. But if I wanted to live I had to stop.
I gentle pulled away from her, resting my forehead on hers, trying to control my breath.
"Bella, baby," I whispered to her, I didn't really know what to say. How do you tell your best friend who is three years younger that they have just gave you the kiss of your life. That your body is screamer for more, without feeling like a pervert or scaring her away.
"That was amazing Edward, Thank you." She ran her hand along my cheek and in that moment I knew things had changed for us. I knew that she want me, I could see in her eyes.
I spent the next year and half stealing little kisses like that from her, I made sure that they didn't go any further than just kisses. She was too young, too innocent. But one new years eve when Bella was fifteen and I was eighteen I approached Charlie half an hour before midnight and admitted that I was in love with his daughter.
He laughed at me and told me that he already knew that but we would talk about later. I told him I wanted to tell her and kiss her at the bells, he just nodded his head and repeated "just a kiss" to me, I knew that was my warning from him. At midnight I asked Bella to officially be my girlfriend and kissed her, showing her everything I felt for her.
There were no more innocent kisses after that night.I had finished two packets if skittles while I had taken my trip down memory lane.
I put the third packet in my pocket for on the plane. The little boy and girl had gone when I looked over to where they had been. I hope that boy's life doesn't hold the same fate as I mine, I wouldn't wish for this fucking life on anyone. Well I could think of a few little shits. I took a deep breath, I really wanted to stay calm while I make the trip but truthfully I fucking tired from of building myself up in hope of some good news about Bella only for it to be shattered when nothing has been found.
I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket so I pulled it out and read the text quietly.
I'm here
I looked up at the main doors and smiled at her, watching her golden blonde hair dangled around her shoulders, while resting on top of her checked shirt as she approached me.
"Let me get that."
I grabbed the large fucking girly holdall that she was carry around with her. I never understood why she would pack so much shit for one night, two at the most, but as she reminded me, so many times is that she is a girl and girls need more shit.
"Thanks Edward, where are going this time?" she asked, her voice sounded tired. I looked closely at her, she had dark circles under her eyes and her face was pale, very pale.
" Em, San Francisco," I paused well she just nodded her head, she really did looked too pale.
"Rose, are you feeling ok?"
She signed "Yeah I'm fine,"
I did not believe her, her eyes looked sad and her face was drawn, as if she had been up all night worrying about something. I arched my right eyebrow to let know I wasn't buying her story.
"I don't want to talk about it right now sweets," she gave me a small smile asking me to leave her alone. So I did. For now.
We made it to San Francisco almost three hours later. The sky was getting dark and my body was getting tired but my mind was alive. A thousand different scenarios were forming in my head of what I may find tonight. What if this girl is Bella? Than what? Do I ask Charlie to fly over or do I send the body over to forks. What if it isn't Bella? Do I keep looking for her while I'm here? My mind was thinking of practical solutions while my heart felt like it breaking again from the idea of that dead girl being Bella.
We checked into the Millbrae California Green Hotel as it was the closes hotel to the fucking airport that had rooms available at short notice. I just wanted to get to the hospital and get this shit over with. We had done this so many time before that I was good at blocking out the event, but somehow today it was different. I was scared shitless, I was terrified that this feeling may mean that it is Bella this time, that my gut was wrong and I'll never get her back.
"Good evening sir," an older woman asked.
I signed and nodded my head in disgust, this women was about forty. She looked good for her age with her long blonde hair and glassy eyes but she was about the same age as my mother. She had a twinkle in her eye and licked her lips at me, staring me. I knew the signs, women would hit on me all the time but I really was not in the mood for this shit. The fact the Rosalie was standing next to me, her small hand linked with mine obviously meant nothing to the women behind the desk.
"Cullen," I grunted at her, trying not to make eye contact.
"Oh yes, here we are, Cullen, room 32." Rose stepped in front of me, grabbed our keys and gives the women a huge dazzling smile.
"Come on honey, let's go to our room." She emphasized the word our and I just smiled at the women as a scowl appeared on her face.
"Lead the way baby."
The room was small but cozy, there was large king side bed in the middle of the room with bedside cabinets at each side. The walls were beige with a painting above the bed.
I placed our bags on the desk in front of me and turn around to find Rose sitting on the edge of the bed putting her hair into a high ponytail. I stared at her for a couple minutes.
There was no doubt that Rose was a beautiful women, she was tall, curvy, blonde and had a passion for cars. She can bring any man to his knees and was unbelievably loyal to the people she loved.
I was gratefully to say that she is my best friend. It still amazes me how much things change. Rosalie used to hate me; she was Bella's best friend and was never shy in telling us how much she disapproved of our relationship.
But now she is the only person who stood by me in everything I did. She supported when I changed my major and never judged my reasons for doing it. She has joined me in every trip I have taken to find Bella. She was the only person that sat besides my hospital bed all-night waiting for me to wake after I tried to fucking end my life. She was the one who broke my nose when she found a bag of coke in my flat. She was the one who was with me when I brought Tanya home for the first time. Tanya is one that made me feel something again; she makes me want to live, to love. Rosalie was the one guiding me, supporting me, believing in me, listening to me cry about my heartache.
Rosalie was always the strong one in our relationship.
But right now she looked weak and vulnerable; she didn't look like Rose I knew.
I moved and sat beside her, placing my arm around her waist so she would try to move away.
"Rose?"
She turned and looked at me, her big blue eyes was glassing over with tears.
"Talk to me. We're not going anywhere until you tell me what's going on."
She signed and wiped the tears that had fallen. She whispered something so low I couldn't hear.
"What?"
Still not looking at me she answered, a little louder this time.
"I'm pregnant."
"Pregnant? Rose look at me please,"
She lifted her head and turned toward. Pregnant? I'm sure my face showed how shocked I was. But I tried to keep my emotion in check.
"Why are crying? Don't you want this?" I asked
" agh, I do. I've always wanted kids you know that, but I wanted to be married first, with a job and house." She pulled away from my arms and started to pace the tiny floor in front of me.
" How am I going to look after a baby Edward, I'm still at college, I don't have any money and I live in a dorm with three other girls."
"Who's the dad?" I asked, Rose wasn't the type of girls who would just sleep with a guy because she felt like it. So I had an idea who it was and I was praying I was wrong.
The look on her face told me that I wasn't
"For fuck sake Rose, after everything he's done." I was trying not to shout at her, she was upset enough.
"He changed?"
"Really, have you fucking told him?" She just nodded her head, telling me she hadn't told him.
"Why not. If he's changed so fucking much than why have you not told him you're pregnant?" I yelled at her.
"I thought he had changed his mind about us, I thought he wanted to get back together." She yelled back at me, a sob escaping her.
"He told me that he was sorry, that he still loved me but didn't want to be with me." Her voice breaking at the end. I moved across to her and wrapped my arms around her. I knew she still love Emmett, he was to her what Bella was to me. I never understood why he dumped her when he needed her the most and has continued to push her away every since.
"Shh, it will be ok, I promise."
"Can we talk about this later; we need to get to the hospital right now." She mumbled into my chest. I ran my hand up and down her back hoping to comfort her in some way.
" Ok, we will talk about this later, everything will be ok. I promise Rose." I looked at her in the eyes, my green on her blue, making sure she knew how serious I was. She nodded her head again that she understood.
"I'm just going to wash my face than we can go."
I now hated fucking hospitals, the smell, the coldness, even the sound of everyone fucking shoes got on my nerves.
I no longer believed it to be a place for people to heal, for doctors to save lives or for children to be brought into the world.
Now it was a building that was full of individuals dying, leaving the world. For families to be rip apart or lives to be stolen from them.
It was the place that I now feared the most.
My biggest fear was that it would be here in a hospital where I would have to say goodbye to my love. Going through these doors to find her laying lifeless body laying on the table. I thought it would get easier they more I did this, but every time I stood outside the doors, I found it harder to walk through them.
I paced outside the door where I knew the girl - which Jenks believes to be my Bella- lay behind.
My hands felt hot and sweaty and the nausea is rolling around in my stomach waiting for the exit sign to my throat. My mind was praying that it was not her, that I could spend at least one more day believing she was out there, alive.
After about half an hour after we arrived we walked through the door. I always called them the doors of destruction, no matter who was behind that door; somebody was losing a loved one. Someone's life was being destroyed. Please don't let it be mine.
Rose grabbed my hand squeezing it hard. I knew this was just has hard for her, Bella was like a sister to Rose, over the last four years she has become like sister to me and I was fucking grateful she was here.
I stared at the glass window, waiting for the curtains to open. My body felt so heavy, so heavy that it was almost falling to the ground. I squeezed Rose hand tighter trying to hold onto something that was real because this didn't feel real. It never did.
"Edward, breath." Rose whispered into my ear.
I closed my eyes really tight and started to take deep breath. I felt like I was drunk, my body was shaken and my head felt like it was swaying as if I was standing on a boat. I guess it was also like I was floating, but I couldn't get of the ground as my body was weighting me down. I was always nervous and always felt nausea in my stomach when I viewing a body, the feelings were almost the same as when you are waiting for the dentist to pull your teeth out or the feeling you get in the pit of your stomach as you wait for the big drop on the rollercoaster rides.
But this feeling was more, it was deeper and it was scaring the shit out of me.
"Edward, are you going to be ok?"
I just nodded my head; I was scared the nausea would have finally made its way to my throat.
"The curtains are opening" she informed me.
I could this. It is not Bella, it is not Bella.
I felt Rose gasp and throw her head into my chest which made my eyes fly open.
There laying a cold table was a young girl about nineteen, twenty. Long brown hair that was flowed down the side of her body. Her face was pale and innocent, she looked like she was sleeping. I could see the bruises around her neck. She had been murdered, someone had marked her body.
I felt a burn in my stomach building as I stared that the girl, it was grew stronger the longer I stared.
I wanted to scream but I couldn't move my body, all of it was shaken.
It felt like I was standing there for hours even though it was only minutes, maybe even seconds.
My brain was telling me to look away but my eyes refused to move, freezing my body in place.
That changed the moment that burning and the nausea began to become too much and turned around pulling away from Rosalie and threw up in the corner of the room.
Sunday 23 May 2010
Chapter one
Chapter one
Epov
" Dada, Dada," she called to me. Her big chocolate eyes staring at me, pleading me. I didn't know what she was pleading for, but I knew in my heart that I would give it to her. I stared at her in shock as a wide crooked smile matching my own appeared on her face. I could not help but smile back at her. My heart swelled as I took in her features, her long copper hair flowing down the back of her small body. God, she was beautiful.
This couldn't be real, could it?
"Dada, up?" she held her small milky arms in the air from her body. I stared at her in confusion.
Dada? Me?
" Dada, up please" she asked again. Her voice was so sweet and her eyes begging me to hold her, how could I refuse this angel. I picked her up and held her tight against my chest. I could not take my eyes away from her. My daughter. God, I have dreamed about this for years; having a family, a daughter with the woman I have been in love with since I was six years old. The little girl placed her head into my neck and her small hand on my cheek. She giggled, the cutest little giggle I have ever heard.
" Love you," she whispered into my ear then giggled again.
"I love you, angel," I whispered back to her, knowing in my heart that I loved this girl. Just like I knew that she was my daughter there was no doubt in my mind that she wasn't mine and I knew exactly who her mother was too, she looked so much like her.
"There you are."
I froze, thinking it couldn't be.
"Dinner is ready, you two."
I turned my body to face the most beautiful woman it'd ever seen. Yes, she was a woman now, not a teenage girl anymore. I felt my heart jump out of my chest, she stood at the door frame with her arms folded across her chest, her long brown hair thick and shiny flowed down her back in natural waves. Her heart shaped face was glowing with the biggest smile and her eyes, her eyes were sparking. God, I missed her.
I smiled my crooked smile at her knowing the effect it had on her. My daughter held me tighter, another giggle escaping into my neck.
"Bella," I whispered, still staring at her.
"Did you have a good sleep?" she asked as she walked closer to me.
"Anthony kept asking me to wake you so that you can play Halo with him," she laughed. Anthony, my son. I had a son?
I held the little girl in one arm and pulled Bella to my chest with the other. She wrapped an arm around my waist and the other went to my cheek, just like our daughter had done a few minutes ago.
"God, I missed you so much, Bella" I whispered in to her ear, my voice almost broke when I said her name. I looked at her smiling face, then back at my daughter's, then back at Bella's again. They looked so much alike. My hand involuntary reached to her neck and pulled her to me. The moment my lips touched her, the electric spark that I remembered flowed through my body. I could feel the tears form in my eyes as my lips moved with hers
"I love you so much," I whispered into her mouth.
"I love you, too, handsome." I smiled at her, the biggest smile appearing on my face and in that moment I felt whole, I felt complete the first time in four years. I closed my eyes and crashed my lips to hers again. I could still feel my daughter's hand on my face, but I could not pull away from Bella, it had been so long since I had her in my arms. I wanted to taste her so much, I pulled her tighter to me as I ran my tongue along her bottom lips. She opened her mouth and I pushed my tongue into her mouth. But I could not taste her. I tightened my grip on her again, pulling her closer, but I still could not taste her. I suddenly realized that couldn't feel her body anymore either. I started to panic as I felt her slipping away.
"Bella," I whispered, praying that she could hear me.
"Bella, please," I whispered again as I opened my eyes to find that my nightmare had come true, she was gone. I heard my daughter's giggle, but as I turned to look at her she was gone too. My arms suddenly felt really empty without my girls.
"Bella!" I shouted. But there was only blackness in front of me
"Beellaa!" I yelled louder spinning round in a circle. "No, no, Bella, please no, Bella!"
I could feel all my energy draining from my body. I fell to my knees, crying: "No, no, not again!" The words came out as a sob while tears fell from my eyes.
"Please come back!" I begged. "Bella, come back,"
"Beeellaaaaa!" I yelled as I jumped from my bed. "BELLA!" I sobbed into my empty bedroom, tears still falling down my cheek.
"You son of a bitch, fucking son of a bitch!" I continued to yell while punching my pillows. I knew it had been too good to be true. I have had many dreams about Bella before, but that was the first one that had my daughter in it. My daughter. My heart ached for the little girl I would never have. Everything I ever wanted was right there in my arms, then in a split second it was taken away from me.
I lay back onto my bed and crawled into the fetal position, "Bella," I whispered as I clung to my pillow and cried myself back into a dreamless sleep.
Beep, beep, beep.
"Urgh," I mumbled while I pulling my hand from under the covers patting the air trying to find the fucking alarm.
Beep, beep, beep
"Fuck!" I pulled my head up slowly, opening my eyes to find the source of the fucking noise and shut it up. 6:30am flashed in front of my eyes. I moved my hand quickly and pushed the alarm clock with all the strength I had at this time in the morning. I was angry, I was angry every morning, but I was even more then usual this morning after that fucking dream. So I wasn't surprised when the alarm clock and the lamp fell and smashed against the floor. Well, at least it shut the fucking thing up.
A groan escaped my mouth so burned myself back into my bed.
I fucking hated the morning!
I hated them as much as I hated the nights. There were the two hardest parts of my day, those were the times when the pain was uncontrollable. It would start in my stomach and slowly take over my whole body to the point where I could not move. I would just lie there and stare at the ceiling praying that Bella was lying next to me. I would think of what would happen if I found her. When she would see me, run into my arms and tell me that she loved me, that she missed me and that she would never leave me again. Then I would bring her home and make love to her all night long. I would ask her to marry me, she would say yes and we would live happy ever after. But every night for the past four years that never happened and I still ended up in my bed alone and in more pain than the day before.
Yeah, I really fucking hated the mornings.
I finally dragged my arse out of bed, I showered , dressed and made my way to work. My job was is my life line. It is the only thing in my life that kept me functioning every day.
I had always wanted to follow my father footsteps since I was a little boy, I would go to the hospital with him and follow him around with a plastic stethoscope around my neck and help him make sick people better. When I got to high school I took all the right classes and worked hard hoping to make it to Harvard medical school, just like my father did.
Bella was really happy with my career choice, she would help me study and encourage me to achieve my dreams. All of my dreams disappeared the same fucking day she disappeared. I spent months just walking around like a zombie, I never fucking slept or ate, my father would force me to eat shit by threaten to send me to hospital if I didn't. He knew that if I was sent away that I couldn't look for Bella. I did as he asked, and somehow made it through the rest of college.
Everything reminded me of her, of us; the restaurant down the street where we had our first real date, the park across from my parents where we use to play when we were kids, the meadow where we first made love. It was our special place that no-one knew about, now it was an empty field without her. I refused to talk to anyone or go anywhere so eventually people stopped talking to me or inviting to parties and stuff. I walked around every day in my own world, worrying about my girl. I soon sank into a deep depression that no-one could get me out off.
At the end of my first semester at Harvard, I had decided that I wanted to join the FBI. I knew my father would be disappointed but at the time, I didn't give a shit. When I told my parents that I was joining the FBI I thought they would be mad, but my mother just cried and told me that she was just happy that I was doing something with my life. My father was disappointed, as I knew he would be, he knew the reason I wanted to join the FBI was because it was job that would teach skills that I needed to find Bella.
So I changed my major to Law and went to visit Charlie to tell him what I wanted to do. To say that he was very happy when I told him that I wanted to become an FBI Agent would have been an understatement, he spent that afternoon telling what I needed to do and stories about his training, I loved spending with Charlie, I spent every Sunday morning fishing with him when I was a kid and all through high school. However he still gave the father’s talk about dating his daughter when I asked him if I could take Bella out for our first official date and he still introduced me to his gun even though I had saw it a million times growing up. But he knew that I would take care of Bella and not hurt her in anyway so he allowed me to date her. Most father would not let their 15 years old daughter date a boy that was 3 years older than her no matter how well he knew him so I was very grateful that Charlie trusted me enough to be with Bella, but I’m sure if he knew that I had been stealing kisses from her since she was 13 he won’t have been so trusting.
Charlie mentioned to pull a few strings and got me a job with the local police office near campus and I worked there all through college, he even showed up at my graduation telling me that he was proud of me and even though Bella wasn’t here, she would be proud of the man I had become and in that moment, I knew I had gained another father in Charlie.
However everything changed when I was assigned to a case where a couple had been murdered and a little girl had been kidnapped. I spent days interviewing suspects, witnesses, following up clues, gaining evidence. It took me almost 10 days until I found her. Her parents had got into money trouble and borrowed money from a shark loan. When they could not pay the money back they were killed and their daughter was taken as payment so they could introduce her into the child slavery world. I have never felt as important as the day I found her laying on a dirty mattress in an empty garage. I had finally found something where I could make a difference in the world, and when I carried that little girl and whispered to her that she was safe and I would take care of her, I knew that this job was what I was meant to do.
I couldn't help but feel that Bella would be proud of me and what I achieved. My father told me he was proud of me that day too, and that he was sorry for not supporting me like he should have. I felt a little part of me come back alive that day, it was no longer just a job that would help me find Bella, it was a job where I could save people that were taken from their life.
I could be the person to find them and give them their life back. I grew to enjoy and love my job. But it was still not enough to take away my pain or my depression.
I grabbed some coffee, a bagel and made my way to work. The routine was fucking robotic, the same streets I walked on, the same shops I passed by I couldn't tell what the hell they sold, I really didn't give a shit either. I crossed the same road towards my work building not bothering to check the traffic lights, a car hitting me would make my shitting day a bit more interesting.
I finally made it into my work building and pushed my arse through their giant doors. I didn't understand why they felt like they needed huge, heavy glass doors that took forever to push open. they weren't a fucking bank, no one was going to come into an FBI building and make a scene. I nodded my head trying to clear the stupidity of the idea out of my head.
"Good morning, Agent Cullen." Heidi squeaky voice flowed into my ears, I couldn't be arsed answering her, I just raised my hand above my head to let her know that I heard her and made my way to the elevators. The ride was quick and quiet - just the way I like them. I pulled the baseball cap that I wore further down, covering my eyes. I didn't want to talk to anyone, so I kept my head down and stared at my black Nikes.
I got to my office quickly and no one fucking bothered me. Truthfully, they never do. I had gained the bad boy reputation over the years between smashing my office a few times, banging random girls and punching more co-workers than criminals. I had become unapproachable to many people and that suited me fine.
I settled into my office chair and heard the annoying sounds of stilettos wondering around outside my office. I blocked the sound out of my head and looked around my office. I had grown to love my office over the last couple of years. I felt more at home here than I did in my own apartment. The bright, white walls gave the room as sense of calm, my mother had insisted that she got to decorate it and she'd done a great job. It was simple, but stylish with a cherry oak desk, leather chair and a few filing cabinets in it. My office was small but big enough for me, my mom had put my diploma, my degree and my training certificates in frames and hung them on my wall. There wasn't really space for anything else.
I sat back in my chair, put my feet on my desk, my hands behind my head and stared out of the small window into the dull streets of Seattle. It was nothing special, it isn't a grand view or anything but it was enough for me, enough to remind me that I still existed in this city, that I stilled lived in this fucked up world. I would spend endless hours in this position staring out into the dull streets. I would watch people pass in hope that maybe luck was on my side for a change and I would see my girl. Just hoping that she would pass my window, proving right what my heart kept telling me. But she never did, and at the end of every day, I closed the blinds and all the hope I had that day died.
So, I would go to the nearest bar, get drunk and look for the next slut to fuck senseless.
There were three items in my office that I loved and hated at the same time - three sliver photo frames, standing next to my computer. The smallest one had a photo of me and my parents when I was three years old. It was Christmas morning, the first one where my father had been present when I woke up, usually he would have to work and wouldn't get home until later in the afternoon. I stared at my father in the picture. He looked so much younger, his hair bright blonde and his eyes a deep shade of blue, filled with happiness, with my mother sitting next to him. Her hair, which is the same bronze color as mine, was loose and in waves down her shoulder, her eyes sparkling green, also like my own. The only thing that was the same between us now was our eyes. My mother's appearance had changed a lot over the years, so had my father's. In the picture I sat on my mother's knee, holding on to my first guitar, my smile matching my fathers. I guess I had changed a lot since that photo as well, I still had the same hair and eyes but I was older, taller and thinner now. I also don't play the guitar.
The most recent photo was a picture of Tanya and me with huge cheesy smiles on our faces and massive ice-cream cones in our hands. That was the day I told her that I would take care of her, that she would be in my life forever. That was the first day that I had told another girl that I loved her. I had only said that to one other girl, but I knew in my heart that when Bella finally met Tanya she would understand.
The last photo was the one I cherished most, but it was also one that stabbed my fucking heart every time I looked at it. It was sliver with two photos in it, the top half held a picture of Bella and me from my 8th birthday party. We laid on our stomachs, on the grass in my mother's back yard. I was wearing my favorite mariner's t-shirt, my bronze hair was sticking out in every direction and I had a wide crooked smile on my face. I had my arm around Bella's shoulder, pulling her close to me. She had her head resting on my chest, her long brown hair flowing down her side. She was also wearing a mariners t-shirt, her smile shy, but her big brown shining with happiness and amusement while holding a long sunflower at her nose. I remember that was the day when Bella gave me a voucher for piano lessons and I realized right then that not only was she my best friend, but that one day she would also be my wife, just like my mum was to my dad. I didn't fully understand what that meant at the age of eight, I just knew it meant that she would live with me and I would take care of her and she would make me dinner just like my mum did. But I never understood that at that moment I had just given away a part of myself to a pretty 5year old girl that would disappear years later, taken that piece of me with her.
In the bottom half of the frame was a picture from Bella's 16th birthday party, the day before she disappeared. It was also taken in my mother's back yard and we were also laying on the grass, but this time I was leaning against a tree with Bella in front of me. My arms were wrapped around her holding her close to me. The only difference between the two pictures was that Bella was playing with the necklace I had given her that day, and our eyes were not only filled with happiness, they were also full of love. That was the day I gave her my whole heart and she gave me hers. We had taken the next step in our relationship, joining us in a way that we had never been before, completing each other in a way I never knew existed. That was the best day of my life, quickly followed by the worst.
In the middle was the word ' forever' in big 3D letters joining the two pictures together. There were days where I really wanted to throw that frame out of the window, it was a constant reminder of what had been taken from me, of what I no longer deserved. It was like a truck running over my body every time I looked at it, especially today after that fucking dream.
I sighed and started listening to the mumbles outside my office, everyone going about their day. The sound of the stilettos caught my attention again, they were getting closer to my office. I waited to see if she would enter. She didn't disappoint. I watched my door open and close slowly. Heidi locked the door behind and made her way slowly towards my desk.
"I brought you coffee, sir," she said, licking her lips seductively at me. I stared at her, my expression blank, I knew what she was here for but I was not going to play mind games with her. I don't do that shit. She eventually placed the cup of coffee on my desk, leaned forward placing her hands flat on the desk so that her fucking plastic tits were right in front of my face.
"I thought you could use a treat, you work very hard and deserve a break."
Her eyes were hooded and shining with lust. Heidi was attractive, I had to admit that, but she was also the most fake woman I have ever been with. The only part of her body that I thought were real were her feet, but it wouldn't surprise me if she that had a bit of work done to them.
"I think I do, too." I answered her cheesy pick up lines while moving my chair back from the desk, making room for her. She understood my actions perfectly and moved around the desk, swaying her hips until she stood in front of me.
Heidi smiled at me, probably remembering the last time we were in this situation. We had been here so many times before, sometimes I would bend her over my desk and pound into her like a mad man, other times I would make her pleasure herself while I fucked her mouth, that way she got off without me having to take care of it. I was a selfish prick, but I could honestly put my hand on my heart and say I didn't give a shit.
"On your knees!" I commanded. I didn't really like Heidi as a person, she was manipulative, materialistic and basically a total bitch. But, fuck she knew how to work her mouth, and if she wanted to please me then who was I to refuse her?
She sat on her knees, running one of her fake nails along my dick while staring at me under her dark eyelashes. I drew in a breath, so she did it again. What fuck was this?
I raised one eyebrow at her questioningly. "I'm not in a fucking patient mood, Heidi, get to it already." My tone was low, but harsh, so that she knew that I wasn't joking. She just smiled at me, licked her lips and answered: "Yes, sir."
She finally made quick work on my jeans and released my dick. I was hard and throbbing and when she licked the tip, I could not stop a groan from escaping my mouth.
"God, I love your fucking cock, it's so big and thick, mmm," she licked the pre-cum around the tip again. I didn't want her to talk, so I grabbed her hair tightly and pushed her head towards my dick roughly, she opened up and began her magic.
"Fuck!" I grunted. Heidi started bobbing up and down, sucking on me tightly. I threw my head back and closed my eyes trying to enjoy the warm fuzzy feeling in my body and the warmth of her mouth. She started moaning and humming around my dick, but she had only taken a third of me in her mouth when I knew she can take all of me.
"Take it all!" I demanded, pushing my dick further in her mouth, she gagged a little at first, then relaxed, allowing me to hit the back of her throat. "That's it, take all of me in that warm fucking mouth."
I still needed more so I bucked my hips making her me go further down her throat. And fuck, that felt good, I had never been be so deep in anyone's mouth before. Other women would usually gag and complain that I was too big, but Heidi just moaned in pleasure. Soon she was pumping and sucking me, while I was thrusting roughly up into her mouth creating the prefect friction. I would have worried that I was being too rough with her, but I knew she liked it that way and by the moans she was making I knew she was fine.
A few minutes later I shot my load quickly in her mouth and gave her a fake promise to return the favor later. She blew me a kiss goodbye and walked out my office with a smirk that told me she was pleased with her work.
I turned on my computer, opened up the files on my desk and once again buried myself in the thing I loved.
***********************************************************************************
"Hey, I got a lead on the McWilliams case," Jasper threw his arse into the chair opposite my desk. "What the hell are you wearing, Cullen? Where's your suit?
I just stared at the computer trying to block him out. All my suits were at the dry cleaners and I couldn't be arsed into collecting them this morning, so I'd thrown on jeans and a hoodie, hoping that I could just sit there and do paperwork all day. I had a feeling that was not going to happen.
"Aro wants us to follow it up," he continued sounding a bit too happy, "it's in Vegas," he added. "Are you listening to me?" He sighed when I didn't answer him.
I nodded once, the McWilliams case was a 27 years old man that disappeared last month. Everything about the case told us that he did not disappear, but had run away from his suffocating, rich parents. I hated a case that was a waste of time, I wanted to find people who wanted to come home, people who were taken from their loved ones - not arseholes who were too scared to tell their parents to fuck off.
"Do you want to go home, pack a bag and meet at the airport in about hour?" Jasper asked nodding his head while he talked making his long blonde bounce on his head.
"Okay, do you think we could squeeze a couple of days out of it, we could gamble the rest of my inheritance away, maybe hit a few bars, find a couple of sluts too…" I was cut off by the ringing of my phone. Irritated, I finally looked at Jasper to see him roll his grey eyes at me and silently laugh at my man whoring ramble.
"What?" I snapped into the phone.
"Mr. Cullen." My body suddenly tensed knowing the reason for this call.
"Jenks, what do have for me?"
I ignored Jasper's heavy sigh and wide eyes. He also knew what this call was about, and I could tell by his deep sighs that he was not happy about it.
"A body was found in San Francisco, sir." he answered with a hint of sadness in his tone. I had hired Jenks when I joined the FBI, so that someone was still looking for Bella when I couldn't. He was one of the best detectives on the state and he understood my desperation to find her.
"She fits all the categories, sir."
"Email me all the details right now, I'll be there later tonight." I sighed, running my hair through my bronze hair, making it stick out more than it was already, a habit I had whenever I was nervous or worried - and in this case it was both.
"Will do, sir." I ended the call and started booking two plane tickets to San Francisco. I could hear Jasper sighing while tapping his fingers on my desk, waiting for me to say something. But I continued to ignore him. Bella was more important.
Eventually I had enough of the glares from Jasper.
"Don't even start, Jazz, you know the drill when Jenks calls."
"I can't keep covering your arse Cullen, what am I meant to say to Aro this time?" he said. I just shrugged, not really caring what he told my boss. "Look, I know you're still grieving for this girl. but man, you're going to have to…"
"Grieving? She's not fucking dead Jazz." I glared at him, I was pissed now "She's out there somewhere, with God know what kind of sick bastard, waiting for me to find her, she's not dead." My breathing had grown heavy, she was not dead, my angel was out there, I could feel it in my gut and in my heart that she was still alive.
Jasper was still sitting calmly in his chair, glaring back at me.
"It's been four years Edward, how long are going hold onto her, well, your version of her."
"What the fuck does that mean?"
"God Edward." he finally stood up from the chair, leaning against one of my filing cabinets. "Even if she is alive, and say you do find her, what then, huh?" he asked.
I finished booking my flights and shut down my computer. I answered him while packing up my stuff with a small smile on my face.
"Then, Jazz, I get to kill the bastard that took he from me, take her home and live happy ever after."
"This is not a fairy tale, Cullen," he snapped. "She will not be the same 16 year old girl you fell in love with.
He stared straight at me and a cold chill ran down my spine.
"What are you going to do when you find her and she doesn't want you? Or that she's so broken that she can't be with you, emotionally or physically."
I pinched the ridge of my nose with one hand and placed the other on my desk, trying to control my anger. I was furious. There was no way Bella would not want me, she loved me, I knew that, I would never doubt that, and I really did not need this right now.
"Even worse, what if she's happy where she is, Edward? Have you thought that maybe the reason you can't find her is because she doesn't want to be found and you're wasting your life living in this hole that you've created for yourself." His voice grew louder the more he rambled, which was just making me more angry. "Hell, maybe she wasn't kidnapped, maybe she had had enough of your whiny arse and baited to …"
My body suddenly flew at him, one of my hands went straight to his neck and grabbed his throat tightly while the other went to his chest, pinning him to the nearest wall.
"ENOUGH!" I yelled. My nostrils flared, my eyes were wide and full of rage. "I will fucking kill you if you talk about her like that again, I don't give a shit who you are, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about."
His body was still relaxed, and I could see the concern and worry in his eyes. He wasn't scared of me, he wasn't even shocked that I had him pinned to the wall by his throat. Why? I filled the information away to think about after, right now I had a flight to catch.
I let Jasper go and stormed out of my office, I didn't look back to see if he was okay, I really didn't give a fuck.
Who did he think he was talking to me like that?
He didn't fucking know her, he had never fucking met her and I was not going to let him stand there and tell me that my girl fucking left me.
He's lucky I didn't rip his throat out, that son of a bitch.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and called the one person who did know her, who knew and understood me, the only person I needed right then and I knew she'd come with me, she always did.
Epov
" Dada, Dada," she called to me. Her big chocolate eyes staring at me, pleading me. I didn't know what she was pleading for, but I knew in my heart that I would give it to her. I stared at her in shock as a wide crooked smile matching my own appeared on her face. I could not help but smile back at her. My heart swelled as I took in her features, her long copper hair flowing down the back of her small body. God, she was beautiful.
This couldn't be real, could it?
"Dada, up?" she held her small milky arms in the air from her body. I stared at her in confusion.
Dada? Me?
" Dada, up please" she asked again. Her voice was so sweet and her eyes begging me to hold her, how could I refuse this angel. I picked her up and held her tight against my chest. I could not take my eyes away from her. My daughter. God, I have dreamed about this for years; having a family, a daughter with the woman I have been in love with since I was six years old. The little girl placed her head into my neck and her small hand on my cheek. She giggled, the cutest little giggle I have ever heard.
" Love you," she whispered into my ear then giggled again.
"I love you, angel," I whispered back to her, knowing in my heart that I loved this girl. Just like I knew that she was my daughter there was no doubt in my mind that she wasn't mine and I knew exactly who her mother was too, she looked so much like her.
"There you are."
I froze, thinking it couldn't be.
"Dinner is ready, you two."
I turned my body to face the most beautiful woman it'd ever seen. Yes, she was a woman now, not a teenage girl anymore. I felt my heart jump out of my chest, she stood at the door frame with her arms folded across her chest, her long brown hair thick and shiny flowed down her back in natural waves. Her heart shaped face was glowing with the biggest smile and her eyes, her eyes were sparking. God, I missed her.
I smiled my crooked smile at her knowing the effect it had on her. My daughter held me tighter, another giggle escaping into my neck.
"Bella," I whispered, still staring at her.
"Did you have a good sleep?" she asked as she walked closer to me.
"Anthony kept asking me to wake you so that you can play Halo with him," she laughed. Anthony, my son. I had a son?
I held the little girl in one arm and pulled Bella to my chest with the other. She wrapped an arm around my waist and the other went to my cheek, just like our daughter had done a few minutes ago.
"God, I missed you so much, Bella" I whispered in to her ear, my voice almost broke when I said her name. I looked at her smiling face, then back at my daughter's, then back at Bella's again. They looked so much alike. My hand involuntary reached to her neck and pulled her to me. The moment my lips touched her, the electric spark that I remembered flowed through my body. I could feel the tears form in my eyes as my lips moved with hers
"I love you so much," I whispered into her mouth.
"I love you, too, handsome." I smiled at her, the biggest smile appearing on my face and in that moment I felt whole, I felt complete the first time in four years. I closed my eyes and crashed my lips to hers again. I could still feel my daughter's hand on my face, but I could not pull away from Bella, it had been so long since I had her in my arms. I wanted to taste her so much, I pulled her tighter to me as I ran my tongue along her bottom lips. She opened her mouth and I pushed my tongue into her mouth. But I could not taste her. I tightened my grip on her again, pulling her closer, but I still could not taste her. I suddenly realized that couldn't feel her body anymore either. I started to panic as I felt her slipping away.
"Bella," I whispered, praying that she could hear me.
"Bella, please," I whispered again as I opened my eyes to find that my nightmare had come true, she was gone. I heard my daughter's giggle, but as I turned to look at her she was gone too. My arms suddenly felt really empty without my girls.
"Bella!" I shouted. But there was only blackness in front of me
"Beellaa!" I yelled louder spinning round in a circle. "No, no, Bella, please no, Bella!"
I could feel all my energy draining from my body. I fell to my knees, crying: "No, no, not again!" The words came out as a sob while tears fell from my eyes.
"Please come back!" I begged. "Bella, come back,"
"Beeellaaaaa!" I yelled as I jumped from my bed. "BELLA!" I sobbed into my empty bedroom, tears still falling down my cheek.
"You son of a bitch, fucking son of a bitch!" I continued to yell while punching my pillows. I knew it had been too good to be true. I have had many dreams about Bella before, but that was the first one that had my daughter in it. My daughter. My heart ached for the little girl I would never have. Everything I ever wanted was right there in my arms, then in a split second it was taken away from me.
I lay back onto my bed and crawled into the fetal position, "Bella," I whispered as I clung to my pillow and cried myself back into a dreamless sleep.
Beep, beep, beep.
"Urgh," I mumbled while I pulling my hand from under the covers patting the air trying to find the fucking alarm.
Beep, beep, beep
"Fuck!" I pulled my head up slowly, opening my eyes to find the source of the fucking noise and shut it up. 6:30am flashed in front of my eyes. I moved my hand quickly and pushed the alarm clock with all the strength I had at this time in the morning. I was angry, I was angry every morning, but I was even more then usual this morning after that fucking dream. So I wasn't surprised when the alarm clock and the lamp fell and smashed against the floor. Well, at least it shut the fucking thing up.
A groan escaped my mouth so burned myself back into my bed.
I fucking hated the morning!
I hated them as much as I hated the nights. There were the two hardest parts of my day, those were the times when the pain was uncontrollable. It would start in my stomach and slowly take over my whole body to the point where I could not move. I would just lie there and stare at the ceiling praying that Bella was lying next to me. I would think of what would happen if I found her. When she would see me, run into my arms and tell me that she loved me, that she missed me and that she would never leave me again. Then I would bring her home and make love to her all night long. I would ask her to marry me, she would say yes and we would live happy ever after. But every night for the past four years that never happened and I still ended up in my bed alone and in more pain than the day before.
Yeah, I really fucking hated the mornings.
I finally dragged my arse out of bed, I showered , dressed and made my way to work. My job was is my life line. It is the only thing in my life that kept me functioning every day.
I had always wanted to follow my father footsteps since I was a little boy, I would go to the hospital with him and follow him around with a plastic stethoscope around my neck and help him make sick people better. When I got to high school I took all the right classes and worked hard hoping to make it to Harvard medical school, just like my father did.
Bella was really happy with my career choice, she would help me study and encourage me to achieve my dreams. All of my dreams disappeared the same fucking day she disappeared. I spent months just walking around like a zombie, I never fucking slept or ate, my father would force me to eat shit by threaten to send me to hospital if I didn't. He knew that if I was sent away that I couldn't look for Bella. I did as he asked, and somehow made it through the rest of college.
Everything reminded me of her, of us; the restaurant down the street where we had our first real date, the park across from my parents where we use to play when we were kids, the meadow where we first made love. It was our special place that no-one knew about, now it was an empty field without her. I refused to talk to anyone or go anywhere so eventually people stopped talking to me or inviting to parties and stuff. I walked around every day in my own world, worrying about my girl. I soon sank into a deep depression that no-one could get me out off.
At the end of my first semester at Harvard, I had decided that I wanted to join the FBI. I knew my father would be disappointed but at the time, I didn't give a shit. When I told my parents that I was joining the FBI I thought they would be mad, but my mother just cried and told me that she was just happy that I was doing something with my life. My father was disappointed, as I knew he would be, he knew the reason I wanted to join the FBI was because it was job that would teach skills that I needed to find Bella.
So I changed my major to Law and went to visit Charlie to tell him what I wanted to do. To say that he was very happy when I told him that I wanted to become an FBI Agent would have been an understatement, he spent that afternoon telling what I needed to do and stories about his training, I loved spending with Charlie, I spent every Sunday morning fishing with him when I was a kid and all through high school. However he still gave the father’s talk about dating his daughter when I asked him if I could take Bella out for our first official date and he still introduced me to his gun even though I had saw it a million times growing up. But he knew that I would take care of Bella and not hurt her in anyway so he allowed me to date her. Most father would not let their 15 years old daughter date a boy that was 3 years older than her no matter how well he knew him so I was very grateful that Charlie trusted me enough to be with Bella, but I’m sure if he knew that I had been stealing kisses from her since she was 13 he won’t have been so trusting.
Charlie mentioned to pull a few strings and got me a job with the local police office near campus and I worked there all through college, he even showed up at my graduation telling me that he was proud of me and even though Bella wasn’t here, she would be proud of the man I had become and in that moment, I knew I had gained another father in Charlie.
However everything changed when I was assigned to a case where a couple had been murdered and a little girl had been kidnapped. I spent days interviewing suspects, witnesses, following up clues, gaining evidence. It took me almost 10 days until I found her. Her parents had got into money trouble and borrowed money from a shark loan. When they could not pay the money back they were killed and their daughter was taken as payment so they could introduce her into the child slavery world. I have never felt as important as the day I found her laying on a dirty mattress in an empty garage. I had finally found something where I could make a difference in the world, and when I carried that little girl and whispered to her that she was safe and I would take care of her, I knew that this job was what I was meant to do.
I couldn't help but feel that Bella would be proud of me and what I achieved. My father told me he was proud of me that day too, and that he was sorry for not supporting me like he should have. I felt a little part of me come back alive that day, it was no longer just a job that would help me find Bella, it was a job where I could save people that were taken from their life.
I could be the person to find them and give them their life back. I grew to enjoy and love my job. But it was still not enough to take away my pain or my depression.
I grabbed some coffee, a bagel and made my way to work. The routine was fucking robotic, the same streets I walked on, the same shops I passed by I couldn't tell what the hell they sold, I really didn't give a shit either. I crossed the same road towards my work building not bothering to check the traffic lights, a car hitting me would make my shitting day a bit more interesting.
I finally made it into my work building and pushed my arse through their giant doors. I didn't understand why they felt like they needed huge, heavy glass doors that took forever to push open. they weren't a fucking bank, no one was going to come into an FBI building and make a scene. I nodded my head trying to clear the stupidity of the idea out of my head.
"Good morning, Agent Cullen." Heidi squeaky voice flowed into my ears, I couldn't be arsed answering her, I just raised my hand above my head to let her know that I heard her and made my way to the elevators. The ride was quick and quiet - just the way I like them. I pulled the baseball cap that I wore further down, covering my eyes. I didn't want to talk to anyone, so I kept my head down and stared at my black Nikes.
I got to my office quickly and no one fucking bothered me. Truthfully, they never do. I had gained the bad boy reputation over the years between smashing my office a few times, banging random girls and punching more co-workers than criminals. I had become unapproachable to many people and that suited me fine.
I settled into my office chair and heard the annoying sounds of stilettos wondering around outside my office. I blocked the sound out of my head and looked around my office. I had grown to love my office over the last couple of years. I felt more at home here than I did in my own apartment. The bright, white walls gave the room as sense of calm, my mother had insisted that she got to decorate it and she'd done a great job. It was simple, but stylish with a cherry oak desk, leather chair and a few filing cabinets in it. My office was small but big enough for me, my mom had put my diploma, my degree and my training certificates in frames and hung them on my wall. There wasn't really space for anything else.
I sat back in my chair, put my feet on my desk, my hands behind my head and stared out of the small window into the dull streets of Seattle. It was nothing special, it isn't a grand view or anything but it was enough for me, enough to remind me that I still existed in this city, that I stilled lived in this fucked up world. I would spend endless hours in this position staring out into the dull streets. I would watch people pass in hope that maybe luck was on my side for a change and I would see my girl. Just hoping that she would pass my window, proving right what my heart kept telling me. But she never did, and at the end of every day, I closed the blinds and all the hope I had that day died.
So, I would go to the nearest bar, get drunk and look for the next slut to fuck senseless.
There were three items in my office that I loved and hated at the same time - three sliver photo frames, standing next to my computer. The smallest one had a photo of me and my parents when I was three years old. It was Christmas morning, the first one where my father had been present when I woke up, usually he would have to work and wouldn't get home until later in the afternoon. I stared at my father in the picture. He looked so much younger, his hair bright blonde and his eyes a deep shade of blue, filled with happiness, with my mother sitting next to him. Her hair, which is the same bronze color as mine, was loose and in waves down her shoulder, her eyes sparkling green, also like my own. The only thing that was the same between us now was our eyes. My mother's appearance had changed a lot over the years, so had my father's. In the picture I sat on my mother's knee, holding on to my first guitar, my smile matching my fathers. I guess I had changed a lot since that photo as well, I still had the same hair and eyes but I was older, taller and thinner now. I also don't play the guitar.
The most recent photo was a picture of Tanya and me with huge cheesy smiles on our faces and massive ice-cream cones in our hands. That was the day I told her that I would take care of her, that she would be in my life forever. That was the first day that I had told another girl that I loved her. I had only said that to one other girl, but I knew in my heart that when Bella finally met Tanya she would understand.
The last photo was the one I cherished most, but it was also one that stabbed my fucking heart every time I looked at it. It was sliver with two photos in it, the top half held a picture of Bella and me from my 8th birthday party. We laid on our stomachs, on the grass in my mother's back yard. I was wearing my favorite mariner's t-shirt, my bronze hair was sticking out in every direction and I had a wide crooked smile on my face. I had my arm around Bella's shoulder, pulling her close to me. She had her head resting on my chest, her long brown hair flowing down her side. She was also wearing a mariners t-shirt, her smile shy, but her big brown shining with happiness and amusement while holding a long sunflower at her nose. I remember that was the day when Bella gave me a voucher for piano lessons and I realized right then that not only was she my best friend, but that one day she would also be my wife, just like my mum was to my dad. I didn't fully understand what that meant at the age of eight, I just knew it meant that she would live with me and I would take care of her and she would make me dinner just like my mum did. But I never understood that at that moment I had just given away a part of myself to a pretty 5year old girl that would disappear years later, taken that piece of me with her.
In the bottom half of the frame was a picture from Bella's 16th birthday party, the day before she disappeared. It was also taken in my mother's back yard and we were also laying on the grass, but this time I was leaning against a tree with Bella in front of me. My arms were wrapped around her holding her close to me. The only difference between the two pictures was that Bella was playing with the necklace I had given her that day, and our eyes were not only filled with happiness, they were also full of love. That was the day I gave her my whole heart and she gave me hers. We had taken the next step in our relationship, joining us in a way that we had never been before, completing each other in a way I never knew existed. That was the best day of my life, quickly followed by the worst.
In the middle was the word ' forever' in big 3D letters joining the two pictures together. There were days where I really wanted to throw that frame out of the window, it was a constant reminder of what had been taken from me, of what I no longer deserved. It was like a truck running over my body every time I looked at it, especially today after that fucking dream.
I sighed and started listening to the mumbles outside my office, everyone going about their day. The sound of the stilettos caught my attention again, they were getting closer to my office. I waited to see if she would enter. She didn't disappoint. I watched my door open and close slowly. Heidi locked the door behind and made her way slowly towards my desk.
"I brought you coffee, sir," she said, licking her lips seductively at me. I stared at her, my expression blank, I knew what she was here for but I was not going to play mind games with her. I don't do that shit. She eventually placed the cup of coffee on my desk, leaned forward placing her hands flat on the desk so that her fucking plastic tits were right in front of my face.
"I thought you could use a treat, you work very hard and deserve a break."
Her eyes were hooded and shining with lust. Heidi was attractive, I had to admit that, but she was also the most fake woman I have ever been with. The only part of her body that I thought were real were her feet, but it wouldn't surprise me if she that had a bit of work done to them.
"I think I do, too." I answered her cheesy pick up lines while moving my chair back from the desk, making room for her. She understood my actions perfectly and moved around the desk, swaying her hips until she stood in front of me.
Heidi smiled at me, probably remembering the last time we were in this situation. We had been here so many times before, sometimes I would bend her over my desk and pound into her like a mad man, other times I would make her pleasure herself while I fucked her mouth, that way she got off without me having to take care of it. I was a selfish prick, but I could honestly put my hand on my heart and say I didn't give a shit.
"On your knees!" I commanded. I didn't really like Heidi as a person, she was manipulative, materialistic and basically a total bitch. But, fuck she knew how to work her mouth, and if she wanted to please me then who was I to refuse her?
She sat on her knees, running one of her fake nails along my dick while staring at me under her dark eyelashes. I drew in a breath, so she did it again. What fuck was this?
I raised one eyebrow at her questioningly. "I'm not in a fucking patient mood, Heidi, get to it already." My tone was low, but harsh, so that she knew that I wasn't joking. She just smiled at me, licked her lips and answered: "Yes, sir."
She finally made quick work on my jeans and released my dick. I was hard and throbbing and when she licked the tip, I could not stop a groan from escaping my mouth.
"God, I love your fucking cock, it's so big and thick, mmm," she licked the pre-cum around the tip again. I didn't want her to talk, so I grabbed her hair tightly and pushed her head towards my dick roughly, she opened up and began her magic.
"Fuck!" I grunted. Heidi started bobbing up and down, sucking on me tightly. I threw my head back and closed my eyes trying to enjoy the warm fuzzy feeling in my body and the warmth of her mouth. She started moaning and humming around my dick, but she had only taken a third of me in her mouth when I knew she can take all of me.
"Take it all!" I demanded, pushing my dick further in her mouth, she gagged a little at first, then relaxed, allowing me to hit the back of her throat. "That's it, take all of me in that warm fucking mouth."
I still needed more so I bucked my hips making her me go further down her throat. And fuck, that felt good, I had never been be so deep in anyone's mouth before. Other women would usually gag and complain that I was too big, but Heidi just moaned in pleasure. Soon she was pumping and sucking me, while I was thrusting roughly up into her mouth creating the prefect friction. I would have worried that I was being too rough with her, but I knew she liked it that way and by the moans she was making I knew she was fine.
A few minutes later I shot my load quickly in her mouth and gave her a fake promise to return the favor later. She blew me a kiss goodbye and walked out my office with a smirk that told me she was pleased with her work.
I turned on my computer, opened up the files on my desk and once again buried myself in the thing I loved.
***********************************************************************************
"Hey, I got a lead on the McWilliams case," Jasper threw his arse into the chair opposite my desk. "What the hell are you wearing, Cullen? Where's your suit?
I just stared at the computer trying to block him out. All my suits were at the dry cleaners and I couldn't be arsed into collecting them this morning, so I'd thrown on jeans and a hoodie, hoping that I could just sit there and do paperwork all day. I had a feeling that was not going to happen.
"Aro wants us to follow it up," he continued sounding a bit too happy, "it's in Vegas," he added. "Are you listening to me?" He sighed when I didn't answer him.
I nodded once, the McWilliams case was a 27 years old man that disappeared last month. Everything about the case told us that he did not disappear, but had run away from his suffocating, rich parents. I hated a case that was a waste of time, I wanted to find people who wanted to come home, people who were taken from their loved ones - not arseholes who were too scared to tell their parents to fuck off.
"Do you want to go home, pack a bag and meet at the airport in about hour?" Jasper asked nodding his head while he talked making his long blonde bounce on his head.
"Okay, do you think we could squeeze a couple of days out of it, we could gamble the rest of my inheritance away, maybe hit a few bars, find a couple of sluts too…" I was cut off by the ringing of my phone. Irritated, I finally looked at Jasper to see him roll his grey eyes at me and silently laugh at my man whoring ramble.
"What?" I snapped into the phone.
"Mr. Cullen." My body suddenly tensed knowing the reason for this call.
"Jenks, what do have for me?"
I ignored Jasper's heavy sigh and wide eyes. He also knew what this call was about, and I could tell by his deep sighs that he was not happy about it.
"A body was found in San Francisco, sir." he answered with a hint of sadness in his tone. I had hired Jenks when I joined the FBI, so that someone was still looking for Bella when I couldn't. He was one of the best detectives on the state and he understood my desperation to find her.
"She fits all the categories, sir."
"Email me all the details right now, I'll be there later tonight." I sighed, running my hair through my bronze hair, making it stick out more than it was already, a habit I had whenever I was nervous or worried - and in this case it was both.
"Will do, sir." I ended the call and started booking two plane tickets to San Francisco. I could hear Jasper sighing while tapping his fingers on my desk, waiting for me to say something. But I continued to ignore him. Bella was more important.
Eventually I had enough of the glares from Jasper.
"Don't even start, Jazz, you know the drill when Jenks calls."
"I can't keep covering your arse Cullen, what am I meant to say to Aro this time?" he said. I just shrugged, not really caring what he told my boss. "Look, I know you're still grieving for this girl. but man, you're going to have to…"
"Grieving? She's not fucking dead Jazz." I glared at him, I was pissed now "She's out there somewhere, with God know what kind of sick bastard, waiting for me to find her, she's not dead." My breathing had grown heavy, she was not dead, my angel was out there, I could feel it in my gut and in my heart that she was still alive.
Jasper was still sitting calmly in his chair, glaring back at me.
"It's been four years Edward, how long are going hold onto her, well, your version of her."
"What the fuck does that mean?"
"God Edward." he finally stood up from the chair, leaning against one of my filing cabinets. "Even if she is alive, and say you do find her, what then, huh?" he asked.
I finished booking my flights and shut down my computer. I answered him while packing up my stuff with a small smile on my face.
"Then, Jazz, I get to kill the bastard that took he from me, take her home and live happy ever after."
"This is not a fairy tale, Cullen," he snapped. "She will not be the same 16 year old girl you fell in love with.
He stared straight at me and a cold chill ran down my spine.
"What are you going to do when you find her and she doesn't want you? Or that she's so broken that she can't be with you, emotionally or physically."
I pinched the ridge of my nose with one hand and placed the other on my desk, trying to control my anger. I was furious. There was no way Bella would not want me, she loved me, I knew that, I would never doubt that, and I really did not need this right now.
"Even worse, what if she's happy where she is, Edward? Have you thought that maybe the reason you can't find her is because she doesn't want to be found and you're wasting your life living in this hole that you've created for yourself." His voice grew louder the more he rambled, which was just making me more angry. "Hell, maybe she wasn't kidnapped, maybe she had had enough of your whiny arse and baited to …"
My body suddenly flew at him, one of my hands went straight to his neck and grabbed his throat tightly while the other went to his chest, pinning him to the nearest wall.
"ENOUGH!" I yelled. My nostrils flared, my eyes were wide and full of rage. "I will fucking kill you if you talk about her like that again, I don't give a shit who you are, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about."
His body was still relaxed, and I could see the concern and worry in his eyes. He wasn't scared of me, he wasn't even shocked that I had him pinned to the wall by his throat. Why? I filled the information away to think about after, right now I had a flight to catch.
I let Jasper go and stormed out of my office, I didn't look back to see if he was okay, I really didn't give a fuck.
Who did he think he was talking to me like that?
He didn't fucking know her, he had never fucking met her and I was not going to let him stand there and tell me that my girl fucking left me.
He's lucky I didn't rip his throat out, that son of a bitch.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and called the one person who did know her, who knew and understood me, the only person I needed right then and I knew she'd come with me, she always did.
Thursday 13 May 2010
chapter one teaser
I let Jasper go and stormed out of my office, I didn't look back to see if he was okay, I really didn't give a fuck.
Who did he think he was talking to me like that. He didn't fucking know her, he has never fucking meet and I was not going to let him stand there and tell me that my girl fucking left me.
He's lucky I didn't ripped his throat out the son of a bitch.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and called the one person who understood us, the only person I needed right now and I know she'll come with me, she always does.
Monday 3 May 2010
.jpg)
information and teaser
.This story will contain abuse, violence, adult language and possible lemons, I will inform you if when
certain scenes will take place incase you do not want to read them.
I need someone who can make a picture of Edward in an FBI uniform as I have no idea where to begin, also
if anyone would like to make other banner, my one is very simple because I don’t know how to make them.
I would be so grateful.
Thank you for reading and I hope you are looking forward to my story. All the characters etc belong to
Stephanie Meyer, I’m just borrowing them for a while.
Thank you again
Prolong teaser ( not be edited )
“ I love you so much” I whispered into her mouth
“ I love you too handsome.” I smiled at her, the biggest smile I have even had appeared on my face and in
that moment I felt whole, I felt complete the first time in four years. I closed my eyes and crashed my lips
to her again. I could feel my daughter’s hand on my face but I could not pull away from Bella, it had been
too long since I had her in my arms, I wanted to tasted her so much. I pulled her tighter to me as I ran my
tongue along her bottom lips. She opened her mouth with a sign and I pushed my tongue into her mouth.
But I could not taste her, I searched her mouth but could not find her tongue, I started to panic and tightened
my grip on her again but I could feel her slipping away.
“Bella” I whispered praying she could hear me.
“Bella please” I whispered again as I opened my eyes to find that my nightmare had come true, she was
gone, I hared my daughter giggle and when in turned to look at her she was gone too.
“Bella” I shouted. But there was only blackness in front of me.
“ Beelllaa” I yelled louder spinning round in a circle. “ no, no Bella, please no Bella” I fell to my knees all
my energy drained from my body.
“No no not again” the words came out as a sob while tears fell from my eyes. “please” I begged
“Bella, come back,” I pleaded
“ BEELLLAAA” yelled as I jumped from my bed.
“BELLA” I yelled into the empty room, tears still falling down my cheek.
“YOU SON OF A BITCH, FUCKING SON OF A BITCH, ” I yelled punching at my pillows. I knew it
was too good to be true. I have had many dreams about Bella but that was the first one that had my daughter
in it. My daughter. My heart ache for the little girl I would never have. I slowly lay back onto my bed and
crawled into the foetal position, “Bella” I whispered as I clung to my pillow and cried myself back into a
dreamless sleep.
certain scenes will take place incase you do not want to read them.
I need someone who can make a picture of Edward in an FBI uniform as I have no idea where to begin, also
if anyone would like to make other banner, my one is very simple because I don’t know how to make them.
I would be so grateful.
Thank you for reading and I hope you are looking forward to my story. All the characters etc belong to
Stephanie Meyer, I’m just borrowing them for a while.
Thank you again
Prolong teaser ( not be edited )
“ I love you so much” I whispered into her mouth
“ I love you too handsome.” I smiled at her, the biggest smile I have even had appeared on my face and in
that moment I felt whole, I felt complete the first time in four years. I closed my eyes and crashed my lips
to her again. I could feel my daughter’s hand on my face but I could not pull away from Bella, it had been
too long since I had her in my arms, I wanted to tasted her so much. I pulled her tighter to me as I ran my
tongue along her bottom lips. She opened her mouth with a sign and I pushed my tongue into her mouth.
But I could not taste her, I searched her mouth but could not find her tongue, I started to panic and tightened
my grip on her again but I could feel her slipping away.
“Bella” I whispered praying she could hear me.
“Bella please” I whispered again as I opened my eyes to find that my nightmare had come true, she was
gone, I hared my daughter giggle and when in turned to look at her she was gone too.
“Bella” I shouted. But there was only blackness in front of me.
“ Beelllaa” I yelled louder spinning round in a circle. “ no, no Bella, please no Bella” I fell to my knees all
my energy drained from my body.
“No no not again” the words came out as a sob while tears fell from my eyes. “please” I begged
“Bella, come back,” I pleaded
“ BEELLLAAA” yelled as I jumped from my bed.
“BELLA” I yelled into the empty room, tears still falling down my cheek.
“YOU SON OF A BITCH, FUCKING SON OF A BITCH, ” I yelled punching at my pillows. I knew it
was too good to be true. I have had many dreams about Bella but that was the first one that had my daughter
in it. My daughter. My heart ache for the little girl I would never have. I slowly lay back onto my bed and
crawled into the foetal position, “Bella” I whispered as I clung to my pillow and cried myself back into a
dreamless sleep.
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