Jasper aged 28
The day after Bella’s 16th birthday, she disappears. For 4 years Edward has searched for the love of his life and when he finally finds her, she does not know who he is. Can he help Bella remember who she was and where she belongs or will she choose the life that she was forced into.
Thursday 28 October 2010
Friday 15 October 2010
chapter 3
I need a friend
“Give me another.” I slammed my hand down on the bar and glared at the bartender.
I watched him take my now empty glass and refill it with my favourite whisky.
“ Hi.” I turned to look at who the voice belonged too.
Staring at her I answered. “ Hi.”
“ Can I get you a drink?” Her voice was soft and low, purring in my ear.
I held my glass up at her and smiled. A wide smile appeared on her face and I know that I could have her tonight. I was not trying to be a cocky bastard I was just good at reading people and I know when someone wants me.
“I’ll get it.” I mumbled.
I took a closer look at the girl, her hair was soft and wavy, her skin flaw less and golden, her lips full, eyes sparking and legs that went for miles underneath her short black dress. I wonder how far I could go with her. Maybe she could break my curse, she had nothing on my Bella but she was gorgeous.
“ I’m Kelly.” I took her hand and kiss it.
“ Edward. “ I announced myself, my voice low and husky.
We talked for the next hour and I found out the usual information; single, no children, worked in a hotel, blah blah. I tried really hard to listen to everything she had been saying, but I could not get my brain to think of anything but what I have witnessed at the hospital.
" Do you want to get out of here?" She asked leaning towards my ear.
Here smell flowed around me, pulling me back to reality.
"Sorry?"
" Do you want to get out of here?" she asked again, licking her lips.
I could do this, I could, couldn't I.
"Sure." I placed my hand in hers, there was no tingles there, no electricity, no heat. I wonder if I’ll ever feel these feelings again with someone. But I won’t get my hopes up, only one girl could make me feel that way and right now I’m trying to block her out of my head.
We walked out of the club heading for the car park, my thoughts drafted to Rose and the changes in her life. I knew what I wanted to do to help her but I also have no idea if she would take my offer or kick my arse for suggesting it.
"This way."
She pulled me into an empty alley.
" Here?" I questioned.
"Yeah, I need you now."
She pulled me against her roughly, just the way I liked it.
I grabbed her hair feeling how soft it was. I really didn't want to fuck her here in a dark, dirty alley - well I was hoping that I would be able to fuck her - maybe it was better to just do it here while I’m aroused.
Her small hands moved slowly up my chest, passed my shoulders around my neck and into my hair. I could feel the Goosebumps on my skin. Maybe things could change tonight, maybe I could fuck someone else beside Heidi.
One of my hands was still in her hair and the other was grabbing tightly to her waist, pulling her closer to my body. I wanted to feel her against me, all of her. I could see her in the light from the gap in the alley, she was fucking hot. I could just make out her grey eyes as they looked into mine. I pulled her face closer to mine and pushed my lips roughly to mine.
My body relaxed against hers, pushing her further into the wall while pressing my body in hers trying to create some friction, the kiss soon grew deeper and depressant, it wasn't romantic or intense like it hoped, it was needy and sloppy, teeth clenching, tongue pushing and pulling.
My hands made their way down her body landing on her arse. I squeezed them roughly, she moaned in my ear and I could feel myself get harder, so far, so good.
I pushed my hips into her more, excited that this was going my way. I wanted to be inside her so badly. She explored my mouth, our tongues fighting for domaince.
I never noticed her hands had moved down my body, until she was trying to unbuckle my belt. I was so happy at how my body was reacting towards this women. Moving my hands from hips to her thighs finding that her dress was around her waist already. When did that happen.
My belt was loose and my zip was down. shit, this happening too fast for my brain to keep up. I quickly moved my hand to her panties, pushed it aside and ran a finger up and down her folds.
Fuck, she was so fucking wet.
"You made this way hot stuff." Fuck I must have said that aloud, I decided to response to her by pushing a finger inside her.
"Oh god Edward, that feels so good." She moaned in my ear. My jeans had fallen onto the ground and her hands moved over my arse again, I added another finger inside stretching here.
"I want you to fuck me now," She was panting heavily, my fingers pumping in and out of her. My head fell on her shoulders, my breath short and heavy.
"Fuck" I mumbled adding my thumb to rub her clit and pumping faster.
"Oh god, Edward, yes."
A huge smile was on my face as I watched her come apart on my hand and also because that I was still so fucking hard it hurt.
"Edward, I want you inside me." She begged, while pulling at my boxers.
"God Yes." If I wasn't in her soon I was going to combust.
I grabbed her thighs with both hands and lifted her up, she wrapped her legs around my waist and my hips buckled into her, I could feel her heat against me. Fuck this was going to happen. My head was swimming from the alcohol I had been drinking all night. Fuck why do always drink so much, images of a white broken body answered my question. I shook the thoughts out of my head I did not want to think about that right now.
"Edward, what's wrong?" she asked, concern in her voice.
"Nothing,"
I crashed my lips to her moving my erection closer, but I felt myself soften a little and panic was building inside. Shit no, I was still hard enough, maybe when I get inside her I will harder more again. Forcing my body closer to her again, I grabbed my cock and pumped myself furiously with one hand and holding her up with the other.
" i hope you like it hard and fast sweetheart," i mumbled " this wouldn’t be nice."
She moaned loudly and it sounded wrong. It was all wrong, the alley, her touch, her smell, it was all wrong.
As quickly as I realised that, my erection disappeared. Fuck.
"Shit" I spat out.
"Edward, please, I can't wait anymore." She begged again. I was still pumping myself hoping my body would cooperate.
I looked her in the eyes, a frown formed on my face, this wasn't going to happen.
" I,I can't, I can't do this, I'm sorry." I stuttered.
"What!" she shouted. Fuck she was pissed. so was I.
" What the fuck, Edward." she started to yell.
" What happened?" she then asked her voice a bit softer after taking in the disappointment in my face.
" I just can't do it" My voice was soft and small.
"But everything was good, you wanted me, I felt it." I pulled away from her slowly, trying to avoid looking her.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Her voice was still low but it hard and cold. Bitch, now I was pissed at her.
"There is nothing wrong with me you bitch, my body just doesn't want you. I don't fucking want you." I spat out.
I quickly pulled up my boxers and jeans up and buckled my belt.
" Oh don't give me that shit, you were begging for me."
" Don't kid yourself sweetheart, I’m a very good actor, my dick took one look at you and fucking ran for the hill."
"You fucking arsehole." Her voice full of venom.
"Tell me something I didn't know" I replied in my sweetest voice.
"Fuck you" she yelled at me again, turned around and walked out of the alley, away from me.
" Fuck."
I grabbed my hair in anger, making it stick up in every direction. Why the fuck does it always happen, every time I try to have sex a girl my body always fails me.
Fuck, fuck fuck.” my anger was building up, reading to explore.
“Fucking son of bitch.”
“Hey dude, you ok?” A young boy stood at the end of the alley where Kelly had just passed.
“Fuck off” I yelled at him. The boy just groaned and walked away. Why? Fucking why?
A sharp pain shot up my arm the same time as I heard a crushing sound of the bones in hand.
“ Argh, Son of a mother fucker, fucking bitch” I yelled so loud I was sure my parents could hear me in fucking Forks. My knuckles were scrapped, my hand throbbing against the stone wall.
“Shit” I knew I had broken my hand, I could see small bones through my skin. My eyes clouded over with tears that were falling down my face. My body gave way and I fell to the ground on my knees holding my hand against my body. My forehead thumped against the wall.
I knew she had saw me, I could feel her eyes watching me ,her perfuming flowing up my nose.
“Sweets?” she asked, making sure it was me. I didn’t look at her, shame covered my whole body.
“I can’t do this anymore Rose.” I sobbed, the lump in my throat to strong to ignore. “ I can’t do it,”
I can feel her crunch beside me, her eyes still moving over her body.
"Do what?" She asked, her voice was gentle and full of concern. The air was thick and heavy, it was still dark, only the glow from the street light covered the pavement and walls with a yellow shine.
"Bella."
My heart clenched as I whispered her name. Rose moved closer to me and started to run her hand in my hair, comforting me, in a mothering gesture, she was going to make a great mom, even if she didn't know it yet.
My sobs grew quicker making my body shake. I wanted to pull away from Rose, I didn't deserve her comfort, but I couldn't done this alone. As much as she was my best friend, Rosalie had never saw me cry before, I have never spoke about the pain that runs through me everyday, I usually kept my feelings to myself and allowed it to consume me when I was alone.
" Edward, it wasn't her. We will find her, it's okay." She whispered sweetly into my ear. I turned around letting my body fall completely on to the ground, Rose was already sitting down so I throw my head into her lap and my arms around her waist, needing her comfort.
I never craved comfort this this before, even when Bella disappeared I never wanted comforted, I just wanted my girl. But right now I needed someone, something, I was tired and lonely. For four years I have closed my self off from the world and everything in it, living in my memories of when I was once happy. Rose never talked about Bella unless we were flying to and fro countries looking for her, we spent the first year barley talking at all to each. But the more time we spent together the more comfortable I was around her and eventually she became my best friend that I would do anything for. However that now leaves me scared and vulnerable, she could walk away from me at any time and I know that I would not make it through this time. not only would I be losing my best friend but I would feel like I was also losing another part of Bella.
"Don't leave me" I sobbed when I felt her move.
"I’m not leaving sweets, just moving to get more comfortable."
I clinged to her tightly, crying into her lap. Man I’m such a pussy. I don't know how long we sat there but Rosalie never tried to move me or push me away. She allowed me to cry until I had no tears left while running one hand through my hair and the other along my cheek, wiping any tears that fell. My heart swelled with the love I felt for Rose. I had never told her I loved her, these words held so much to me. I knew I had to tell her, she was my best friend, she was my family, beside Tanya she was all I had.
"Rose," I choked out, my throat dry from the crying.
"Yeah."
I turned my head and kissed her torso still amazed that she was having a baby. I heard her sign in contentment, still playing with my hair. maybe she would be okay with my idea.
" I’m sorry." I answered guilt and shame laced in my voice.
"Sit up." She ordered. I followed willing and sat beside her with my head on the wall.
She grabbed my face and looked me straight in the eyes, I could see the anger, pain and love behind them. I wanted to cry again witnessing how much she cared for me.
"Don't you apologize to me Edward Cullen, I have waited for years for you to breakdown and finally let me in."
I signed and closed my eyes, I didn't know that I was crying again until I felt her wipe them away. "You have keep everything inside you, carrying all this pain and misery to yourself, you never talk to anyone about it. I though maybe Tanya would break you down but even though she has helped you deal with who you want to be now, you still keep your feelings locked up in here." She placed a hand over my clothed heart emphasizing her point. "So don't even tell me your sorry for expressing how you feel sweets, even when you are being an arsehole." She laughed lightly, trying to break the tense.
I smiled at her and she kissed my forehead, while my eyes still closed I allowed myself to embrace in my friend's love.
"Thank you" I whispered back. She giggled quietly letting go of my face.
"Rose" I opened my eyes and locked them with Rose‘s.
" I love you" I whispered.
Her eyes widened and for a second I thought that I had scared her, I held my breath until a small smile appeared on her glowing face.
" I love you too sweets." My smile grew matching hers.
"Not romantically though." She giggled. I felt a laugh escaped my mouth. She knew that I didn't have an feeling like that for her and I felt she didn't have any for me, that was what made us work. She was like a sister to me But it didn't stop her from making jokes about us together.
"Ah but Rose," I teased " You know you want me."
"Come on Casanova, let's go back to the hotel and talk. My arse is numb from sitting on the ground."
" Oh shit Rose, I’m so sorry that can't be good for the baby."
How the fuck did I not think of that, it is late and cold and made her sit on the cold ground for god know how long when she has a new born growing in her. Fuck I’m failing her already.
" It's alright, the baby is perfectly warm and safe in my womb, it's me that fucking cold." she laughed easing my worry.
"Can we go back to the hospital first, I think I broke my hand." i had done good in ignoring the throbbing pain in my hand.
"Fuck Edward what did you do?"
" I punched the wall." She just laughed at me pulling me out of the alley and back into the now empty street.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
After 5 hours in A&E we arrived back to the hotel hungry and exhausted. I flopped onto the bed, burrowing my head into the pillow. I could her Rose moving around the room, her stomached rumbled loudly reminding me that we still needed to eat. I laughed into the pillows. It had been a long day; emotionally and physically, I felt like shit and my hand throbbed. I knew Rose didn't feel great either, I really wanted to sleep but I knew we had to eat.
"Why don't you take a shower while I get food to feed my girls." The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.
"Your girls?" Her pale face full of shock staring at me.
" Yes, that is my niece inside your tummy." I moved over, bent down and kissed her abdomen.
" Aren't you sweetheart."
" Are you crazy, Edward?" Rose's mouth was wide, her blue eyes blazing.
"Yes, but we can talk about when I get back." My voice was firm and confident, letting me know how serious I was.
"Only if we talk about what happened tonight in that alley?" I signed and nodded my head. I needed someone to know the truth about my actions if i wanted to change. I left Rose in the hotel and found a 24hrs garage and bought some sandwiches, chips, juice and some orange juice for the baby. I didn't know anything about babies but I remember ed Tanya mention that it was good for her bones.
Rosalie was laying on the bed when I got back, the horrid smell of nail polish filled the room.
"Fuck Rose that stinks" I moaned with a scowl on my face.
"It's only nail polish sweets, deal with it. what did ya get?" she asked.
I tossed the food I had bought her onto the bed before making my way to the bathroom. After a quick shower and changed of clothes I settled on the bed stuffing my face. I don’t think I tasted my sandwich it was gone so quick, but at least the ache in my belly was filled, however the ache in my heart was only tamed at he moment. I could still fell it brewing within me, I guess it will never go away.
Rose had been watching me since I came out of the bathroom, probably waiting for me to breakdown again.
“ What?” I mumbled through the food in my mouth.
“ What happened?” She asked straight to the point. Her long blonde hair was pulled into a high ponytail and she was wearing a cute purple shorts and t-shirt set, her face still pale and her blues held sadness and curiously.
I took a deep breath and decided that I needed to tell her everything.
“ I’m not really the manwhore that I make out I am.” My eyes closed, picturing all the times I had taken girls back to hotels. “ I can never go through with it.”
“Through with it?” she repeated in question. “You mean sex?” I opened my eyes, nodding my head at her. “ But I’ve saw you with loads of girls?”
“ I know, things usually go good until the moment” I used air quotes so she knew what stage I was talking about, her eyes wide and her mouth opening. I looked away from her, not wanting to see the disgust in her eyes.
“ Why did you make out that you had sex with them when you never?” I shrugged my shoulders, still not looking at her, the plastic sandwich container suddenly looking very interesting. “ You must know Edward, you made out that your this arsehole that doesn’t care of how he treats woman and how he could get anyone he wants.”
The tone in her voice was sharp and cold, I knew she would be disgusted with me, but I was tired of pretending to be someone I was not. I was tired of not living anymore. Bella would be so disappointed in me if she could see the man I had become.
“Edward look at me.” I turned my head around and looked at her, I was surprised to see that the sadness was still there on her face but there was also worry and relief. What was she relieved about.
“ Why did you lie Edward?” I pinched the bridge of my nose while I tried to think of the best way to explain my actions.
“I’m not really Rose.”
“Yes you do. So tell me” she demanded.
“ ahh.” I started to pace the room hoping it will calm my nerves. “ I wanted a way to forget about everything, even for just a minute, I just wanted to get lost in someone who didn’t know me or what had happened. It was almost like I could be someone else. I wasn’t Edward Cullen the man who lost the love his life, half of his soul. I was Edward Cullen, nobody.”
“Edward.” Rose whispered slowly, I raised my hand to her, I didn’t want to stop now that I started, for the first time ever I wanted to talk about what happened and how I felt.
“ I met the first girl a few months after Bella, well you know, em well I took her back to my hotel nut things turned sour very quick. I thought maybe it was because I had been drinking non-stop but when it happened the next night and the next I knew my theory was wrong.”
I sat down on the bed my body felt very heavy again like it did at the hospital.
“ I felt like I was cursed. I had failed Bella and this was my punishment. Every time I went out or meet a girl that showed any interest in me I tried to prove that I was wrong and I was not cursed.” I signed, placing my head in my hands and than between my knees.
“ Edward. You did fail Bella, it was not your fault that she disappeared.”
“ I was supposed protect her Rose, keep her safe and I didn’t.” I stressed, my eyes glazing over.
“ She was taken from her room Edward, let’s not go there yet okay, you were telling how you lied about sleeping with all those women.”
“ Okay, God I guess I just kept trying and people noticed me with the girls and assumed I had slept with them, I never denied it because I guess, I never cared.” I mumbled the last part.
“ Or maybe because you felt like you were failing.”
Somehow I had moved toward the top of the bed and was leaning against the headboard. I noticed that I was missing a lot of little things lately.
“ Your mind believes you failed Bella and now failing as a man.” I never thought of it that way. But that wouldn’t explain Heidi.
“Okay, em well I did manage to sleep with one person.” I said slowly.
“ Who?”
“ Heidi.”
“ Okay I’m confused.”
“ Me too but somehow my dick has a mind of his own and he likes Heidi, she’s the only women that I’ve fuck in four years, I don’t know why Rose, I don’t even like the women.”
“ Maybe that’s why. Think about Edward, Heidi is everything you detest in a women, the opposite of Bella and I mean this in the best way, but maybe you just don’t care about Heidi. Maybe because you know what kind of person Heidi really is than you don’t care how you treat her. It’s different with girls you just meet because you don’t know anything about them and they are nice women when you meet them.”
I listened to Rose’s theory, but I was now more confused than I was before.
“ I don’t know Rose I …”
“ Edward you are a good guy, I know I didn’t like you before but now I know that deep down, that you Edward Cullen…” she placed both of her hands on my face and turned my head so that I had to look into her baby blues. “ have one of the biggest hearts in the world, look at what you have done for Tanya, everyday you work your arse off trying to get ahead in your job and find as many people as you can as well as search the world for Bella. You never give up Edward.”
I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her close to me.
“ I can’t Rose, I can’t believe she’s gone.” I choked, my chest tighten.
“ I know, but sweets you do have to move on as well, you’ve been stuck in this depression stage for years now, I don’t know what you have to do but you have to find peace with yourself and move on.”
I signed again, my head was now sore and I really just wanted to go to sleep and for get all about this fucking awful day.
“ Can we just go to sleep now, it’s late and I’ve had enough for one day.”
Rose just nodded her head and moved under the covers, I got up and turned the light off and got into the bed.
“ Rose.” I whispered
“ Yeah,”
“Don’t give me an answer, think about it fisrt, but I want you to move in with me. I could help you look after the baby and when school starts again we can sort something out between us. My house is big enough and I have plenty of money to support you.” I faced her, the light from the moon shining her face, there was tears falling down her cheeks, I kissed her forehead.
“ you are not alone in this, I want you both to stay with me. I want to take care of you and my niece, think about it. I love you.” I turned back around, closing my eyes enjoyinng my body relax and sleep slowly take.
“ Biggest heart ever.” I heard her whisper in the dark.
“Give me another.” I slammed my hand down on the bar and glared at the bartender.
I watched him take my now empty glass and refill it with my favourite whisky.
“ Hi.” I turned to look at who the voice belonged too.
Staring at her I answered. “ Hi.”
“ Can I get you a drink?” Her voice was soft and low, purring in my ear.
I held my glass up at her and smiled. A wide smile appeared on her face and I know that I could have her tonight. I was not trying to be a cocky bastard I was just good at reading people and I know when someone wants me.
“I’ll get it.” I mumbled.
I took a closer look at the girl, her hair was soft and wavy, her skin flaw less and golden, her lips full, eyes sparking and legs that went for miles underneath her short black dress. I wonder how far I could go with her. Maybe she could break my curse, she had nothing on my Bella but she was gorgeous.
“ I’m Kelly.” I took her hand and kiss it.
“ Edward. “ I announced myself, my voice low and husky.
We talked for the next hour and I found out the usual information; single, no children, worked in a hotel, blah blah. I tried really hard to listen to everything she had been saying, but I could not get my brain to think of anything but what I have witnessed at the hospital.
" Do you want to get out of here?" She asked leaning towards my ear.
Here smell flowed around me, pulling me back to reality.
"Sorry?"
" Do you want to get out of here?" she asked again, licking her lips.
I could do this, I could, couldn't I.
"Sure." I placed my hand in hers, there was no tingles there, no electricity, no heat. I wonder if I’ll ever feel these feelings again with someone. But I won’t get my hopes up, only one girl could make me feel that way and right now I’m trying to block her out of my head.
We walked out of the club heading for the car park, my thoughts drafted to Rose and the changes in her life. I knew what I wanted to do to help her but I also have no idea if she would take my offer or kick my arse for suggesting it.
"This way."
She pulled me into an empty alley.
" Here?" I questioned.
"Yeah, I need you now."
She pulled me against her roughly, just the way I liked it.
I grabbed her hair feeling how soft it was. I really didn't want to fuck her here in a dark, dirty alley - well I was hoping that I would be able to fuck her - maybe it was better to just do it here while I’m aroused.
Her small hands moved slowly up my chest, passed my shoulders around my neck and into my hair. I could feel the Goosebumps on my skin. Maybe things could change tonight, maybe I could fuck someone else beside Heidi.
One of my hands was still in her hair and the other was grabbing tightly to her waist, pulling her closer to my body. I wanted to feel her against me, all of her. I could see her in the light from the gap in the alley, she was fucking hot. I could just make out her grey eyes as they looked into mine. I pulled her face closer to mine and pushed my lips roughly to mine.
My body relaxed against hers, pushing her further into the wall while pressing my body in hers trying to create some friction, the kiss soon grew deeper and depressant, it wasn't romantic or intense like it hoped, it was needy and sloppy, teeth clenching, tongue pushing and pulling.
My hands made their way down her body landing on her arse. I squeezed them roughly, she moaned in my ear and I could feel myself get harder, so far, so good.
I pushed my hips into her more, excited that this was going my way. I wanted to be inside her so badly. She explored my mouth, our tongues fighting for domaince.
I never noticed her hands had moved down my body, until she was trying to unbuckle my belt. I was so happy at how my body was reacting towards this women. Moving my hands from hips to her thighs finding that her dress was around her waist already. When did that happen.
My belt was loose and my zip was down. shit, this happening too fast for my brain to keep up. I quickly moved my hand to her panties, pushed it aside and ran a finger up and down her folds.
Fuck, she was so fucking wet.
"You made this way hot stuff." Fuck I must have said that aloud, I decided to response to her by pushing a finger inside her.
"Oh god Edward, that feels so good." She moaned in my ear. My jeans had fallen onto the ground and her hands moved over my arse again, I added another finger inside stretching here.
"I want you to fuck me now," She was panting heavily, my fingers pumping in and out of her. My head fell on her shoulders, my breath short and heavy.
"Fuck" I mumbled adding my thumb to rub her clit and pumping faster.
"Oh god, Edward, yes."
A huge smile was on my face as I watched her come apart on my hand and also because that I was still so fucking hard it hurt.
"Edward, I want you inside me." She begged, while pulling at my boxers.
"God Yes." If I wasn't in her soon I was going to combust.
I grabbed her thighs with both hands and lifted her up, she wrapped her legs around my waist and my hips buckled into her, I could feel her heat against me. Fuck this was going to happen. My head was swimming from the alcohol I had been drinking all night. Fuck why do always drink so much, images of a white broken body answered my question. I shook the thoughts out of my head I did not want to think about that right now.
"Edward, what's wrong?" she asked, concern in her voice.
"Nothing,"
I crashed my lips to her moving my erection closer, but I felt myself soften a little and panic was building inside. Shit no, I was still hard enough, maybe when I get inside her I will harder more again. Forcing my body closer to her again, I grabbed my cock and pumped myself furiously with one hand and holding her up with the other.
" i hope you like it hard and fast sweetheart," i mumbled " this wouldn’t be nice."
She moaned loudly and it sounded wrong. It was all wrong, the alley, her touch, her smell, it was all wrong.
As quickly as I realised that, my erection disappeared. Fuck.
"Shit" I spat out.
"Edward, please, I can't wait anymore." She begged again. I was still pumping myself hoping my body would cooperate.
I looked her in the eyes, a frown formed on my face, this wasn't going to happen.
" I,I can't, I can't do this, I'm sorry." I stuttered.
"What!" she shouted. Fuck she was pissed. so was I.
" What the fuck, Edward." she started to yell.
" What happened?" she then asked her voice a bit softer after taking in the disappointment in my face.
" I just can't do it" My voice was soft and small.
"But everything was good, you wanted me, I felt it." I pulled away from her slowly, trying to avoid looking her.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Her voice was still low but it hard and cold. Bitch, now I was pissed at her.
"There is nothing wrong with me you bitch, my body just doesn't want you. I don't fucking want you." I spat out.
I quickly pulled up my boxers and jeans up and buckled my belt.
" Oh don't give me that shit, you were begging for me."
" Don't kid yourself sweetheart, I’m a very good actor, my dick took one look at you and fucking ran for the hill."
"You fucking arsehole." Her voice full of venom.
"Tell me something I didn't know" I replied in my sweetest voice.
"Fuck you" she yelled at me again, turned around and walked out of the alley, away from me.
" Fuck."
I grabbed my hair in anger, making it stick up in every direction. Why the fuck does it always happen, every time I try to have sex a girl my body always fails me.
Fuck, fuck fuck.” my anger was building up, reading to explore.
“Fucking son of bitch.”
“Hey dude, you ok?” A young boy stood at the end of the alley where Kelly had just passed.
“Fuck off” I yelled at him. The boy just groaned and walked away. Why? Fucking why?
A sharp pain shot up my arm the same time as I heard a crushing sound of the bones in hand.
“ Argh, Son of a mother fucker, fucking bitch” I yelled so loud I was sure my parents could hear me in fucking Forks. My knuckles were scrapped, my hand throbbing against the stone wall.
“Shit” I knew I had broken my hand, I could see small bones through my skin. My eyes clouded over with tears that were falling down my face. My body gave way and I fell to the ground on my knees holding my hand against my body. My forehead thumped against the wall.
I knew she had saw me, I could feel her eyes watching me ,her perfuming flowing up my nose.
“Sweets?” she asked, making sure it was me. I didn’t look at her, shame covered my whole body.
“I can’t do this anymore Rose.” I sobbed, the lump in my throat to strong to ignore. “ I can’t do it,”
I can feel her crunch beside me, her eyes still moving over her body.
"Do what?" She asked, her voice was gentle and full of concern. The air was thick and heavy, it was still dark, only the glow from the street light covered the pavement and walls with a yellow shine.
"Bella."
My heart clenched as I whispered her name. Rose moved closer to me and started to run her hand in my hair, comforting me, in a mothering gesture, she was going to make a great mom, even if she didn't know it yet.
My sobs grew quicker making my body shake. I wanted to pull away from Rose, I didn't deserve her comfort, but I couldn't done this alone. As much as she was my best friend, Rosalie had never saw me cry before, I have never spoke about the pain that runs through me everyday, I usually kept my feelings to myself and allowed it to consume me when I was alone.
" Edward, it wasn't her. We will find her, it's okay." She whispered sweetly into my ear. I turned around letting my body fall completely on to the ground, Rose was already sitting down so I throw my head into her lap and my arms around her waist, needing her comfort.
I never craved comfort this this before, even when Bella disappeared I never wanted comforted, I just wanted my girl. But right now I needed someone, something, I was tired and lonely. For four years I have closed my self off from the world and everything in it, living in my memories of when I was once happy. Rose never talked about Bella unless we were flying to and fro countries looking for her, we spent the first year barley talking at all to each. But the more time we spent together the more comfortable I was around her and eventually she became my best friend that I would do anything for. However that now leaves me scared and vulnerable, she could walk away from me at any time and I know that I would not make it through this time. not only would I be losing my best friend but I would feel like I was also losing another part of Bella.
"Don't leave me" I sobbed when I felt her move.
"I’m not leaving sweets, just moving to get more comfortable."
I clinged to her tightly, crying into her lap. Man I’m such a pussy. I don't know how long we sat there but Rosalie never tried to move me or push me away. She allowed me to cry until I had no tears left while running one hand through my hair and the other along my cheek, wiping any tears that fell. My heart swelled with the love I felt for Rose. I had never told her I loved her, these words held so much to me. I knew I had to tell her, she was my best friend, she was my family, beside Tanya she was all I had.
"Rose," I choked out, my throat dry from the crying.
"Yeah."
I turned my head and kissed her torso still amazed that she was having a baby. I heard her sign in contentment, still playing with my hair. maybe she would be okay with my idea.
" I’m sorry." I answered guilt and shame laced in my voice.
"Sit up." She ordered. I followed willing and sat beside her with my head on the wall.
She grabbed my face and looked me straight in the eyes, I could see the anger, pain and love behind them. I wanted to cry again witnessing how much she cared for me.
"Don't you apologize to me Edward Cullen, I have waited for years for you to breakdown and finally let me in."
I signed and closed my eyes, I didn't know that I was crying again until I felt her wipe them away. "You have keep everything inside you, carrying all this pain and misery to yourself, you never talk to anyone about it. I though maybe Tanya would break you down but even though she has helped you deal with who you want to be now, you still keep your feelings locked up in here." She placed a hand over my clothed heart emphasizing her point. "So don't even tell me your sorry for expressing how you feel sweets, even when you are being an arsehole." She laughed lightly, trying to break the tense.
I smiled at her and she kissed my forehead, while my eyes still closed I allowed myself to embrace in my friend's love.
"Thank you" I whispered back. She giggled quietly letting go of my face.
"Rose" I opened my eyes and locked them with Rose‘s.
" I love you" I whispered.
Her eyes widened and for a second I thought that I had scared her, I held my breath until a small smile appeared on her glowing face.
" I love you too sweets." My smile grew matching hers.
"Not romantically though." She giggled. I felt a laugh escaped my mouth. She knew that I didn't have an feeling like that for her and I felt she didn't have any for me, that was what made us work. She was like a sister to me But it didn't stop her from making jokes about us together.
"Ah but Rose," I teased " You know you want me."
"Come on Casanova, let's go back to the hotel and talk. My arse is numb from sitting on the ground."
" Oh shit Rose, I’m so sorry that can't be good for the baby."
How the fuck did I not think of that, it is late and cold and made her sit on the cold ground for god know how long when she has a new born growing in her. Fuck I’m failing her already.
" It's alright, the baby is perfectly warm and safe in my womb, it's me that fucking cold." she laughed easing my worry.
"Can we go back to the hospital first, I think I broke my hand." i had done good in ignoring the throbbing pain in my hand.
"Fuck Edward what did you do?"
" I punched the wall." She just laughed at me pulling me out of the alley and back into the now empty street.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
After 5 hours in A&E we arrived back to the hotel hungry and exhausted. I flopped onto the bed, burrowing my head into the pillow. I could her Rose moving around the room, her stomached rumbled loudly reminding me that we still needed to eat. I laughed into the pillows. It had been a long day; emotionally and physically, I felt like shit and my hand throbbed. I knew Rose didn't feel great either, I really wanted to sleep but I knew we had to eat.
"Why don't you take a shower while I get food to feed my girls." The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.
"Your girls?" Her pale face full of shock staring at me.
" Yes, that is my niece inside your tummy." I moved over, bent down and kissed her abdomen.
" Aren't you sweetheart."
" Are you crazy, Edward?" Rose's mouth was wide, her blue eyes blazing.
"Yes, but we can talk about when I get back." My voice was firm and confident, letting me know how serious I was.
"Only if we talk about what happened tonight in that alley?" I signed and nodded my head. I needed someone to know the truth about my actions if i wanted to change. I left Rose in the hotel and found a 24hrs garage and bought some sandwiches, chips, juice and some orange juice for the baby. I didn't know anything about babies but I remember ed Tanya mention that it was good for her bones.
Rosalie was laying on the bed when I got back, the horrid smell of nail polish filled the room.
"Fuck Rose that stinks" I moaned with a scowl on my face.
"It's only nail polish sweets, deal with it. what did ya get?" she asked.
I tossed the food I had bought her onto the bed before making my way to the bathroom. After a quick shower and changed of clothes I settled on the bed stuffing my face. I don’t think I tasted my sandwich it was gone so quick, but at least the ache in my belly was filled, however the ache in my heart was only tamed at he moment. I could still fell it brewing within me, I guess it will never go away.
Rose had been watching me since I came out of the bathroom, probably waiting for me to breakdown again.
“ What?” I mumbled through the food in my mouth.
“ What happened?” She asked straight to the point. Her long blonde hair was pulled into a high ponytail and she was wearing a cute purple shorts and t-shirt set, her face still pale and her blues held sadness and curiously.
I took a deep breath and decided that I needed to tell her everything.
“ I’m not really the manwhore that I make out I am.” My eyes closed, picturing all the times I had taken girls back to hotels. “ I can never go through with it.”
“Through with it?” she repeated in question. “You mean sex?” I opened my eyes, nodding my head at her. “ But I’ve saw you with loads of girls?”
“ I know, things usually go good until the moment” I used air quotes so she knew what stage I was talking about, her eyes wide and her mouth opening. I looked away from her, not wanting to see the disgust in her eyes.
“ Why did you make out that you had sex with them when you never?” I shrugged my shoulders, still not looking at her, the plastic sandwich container suddenly looking very interesting. “ You must know Edward, you made out that your this arsehole that doesn’t care of how he treats woman and how he could get anyone he wants.”
The tone in her voice was sharp and cold, I knew she would be disgusted with me, but I was tired of pretending to be someone I was not. I was tired of not living anymore. Bella would be so disappointed in me if she could see the man I had become.
“Edward look at me.” I turned my head around and looked at her, I was surprised to see that the sadness was still there on her face but there was also worry and relief. What was she relieved about.
“ Why did you lie Edward?” I pinched the bridge of my nose while I tried to think of the best way to explain my actions.
“I’m not really Rose.”
“Yes you do. So tell me” she demanded.
“ ahh.” I started to pace the room hoping it will calm my nerves. “ I wanted a way to forget about everything, even for just a minute, I just wanted to get lost in someone who didn’t know me or what had happened. It was almost like I could be someone else. I wasn’t Edward Cullen the man who lost the love his life, half of his soul. I was Edward Cullen, nobody.”
“Edward.” Rose whispered slowly, I raised my hand to her, I didn’t want to stop now that I started, for the first time ever I wanted to talk about what happened and how I felt.
“ I met the first girl a few months after Bella, well you know, em well I took her back to my hotel nut things turned sour very quick. I thought maybe it was because I had been drinking non-stop but when it happened the next night and the next I knew my theory was wrong.”
I sat down on the bed my body felt very heavy again like it did at the hospital.
“ I felt like I was cursed. I had failed Bella and this was my punishment. Every time I went out or meet a girl that showed any interest in me I tried to prove that I was wrong and I was not cursed.” I signed, placing my head in my hands and than between my knees.
“ Edward. You did fail Bella, it was not your fault that she disappeared.”
“ I was supposed protect her Rose, keep her safe and I didn’t.” I stressed, my eyes glazing over.
“ She was taken from her room Edward, let’s not go there yet okay, you were telling how you lied about sleeping with all those women.”
“ Okay, God I guess I just kept trying and people noticed me with the girls and assumed I had slept with them, I never denied it because I guess, I never cared.” I mumbled the last part.
“ Or maybe because you felt like you were failing.”
Somehow I had moved toward the top of the bed and was leaning against the headboard. I noticed that I was missing a lot of little things lately.
“ Your mind believes you failed Bella and now failing as a man.” I never thought of it that way. But that wouldn’t explain Heidi.
“Okay, em well I did manage to sleep with one person.” I said slowly.
“ Who?”
“ Heidi.”
“ Okay I’m confused.”
“ Me too but somehow my dick has a mind of his own and he likes Heidi, she’s the only women that I’ve fuck in four years, I don’t know why Rose, I don’t even like the women.”
“ Maybe that’s why. Think about Edward, Heidi is everything you detest in a women, the opposite of Bella and I mean this in the best way, but maybe you just don’t care about Heidi. Maybe because you know what kind of person Heidi really is than you don’t care how you treat her. It’s different with girls you just meet because you don’t know anything about them and they are nice women when you meet them.”
I listened to Rose’s theory, but I was now more confused than I was before.
“ I don’t know Rose I …”
“ Edward you are a good guy, I know I didn’t like you before but now I know that deep down, that you Edward Cullen…” she placed both of her hands on my face and turned my head so that I had to look into her baby blues. “ have one of the biggest hearts in the world, look at what you have done for Tanya, everyday you work your arse off trying to get ahead in your job and find as many people as you can as well as search the world for Bella. You never give up Edward.”
I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her close to me.
“ I can’t Rose, I can’t believe she’s gone.” I choked, my chest tighten.
“ I know, but sweets you do have to move on as well, you’ve been stuck in this depression stage for years now, I don’t know what you have to do but you have to find peace with yourself and move on.”
I signed again, my head was now sore and I really just wanted to go to sleep and for get all about this fucking awful day.
“ Can we just go to sleep now, it’s late and I’ve had enough for one day.”
Rose just nodded her head and moved under the covers, I got up and turned the light off and got into the bed.
“ Rose.” I whispered
“ Yeah,”
“Don’t give me an answer, think about it fisrt, but I want you to move in with me. I could help you look after the baby and when school starts again we can sort something out between us. My house is big enough and I have plenty of money to support you.” I faced her, the light from the moon shining her face, there was tears falling down her cheeks, I kissed her forehead.
“ you are not alone in this, I want you both to stay with me. I want to take care of you and my niece, think about it. I love you.” I turned back around, closing my eyes enjoyinng my body relax and sleep slowly take.
“ Biggest heart ever.” I heard her whisper in the dark.
Thursday 14 October 2010
chapter 2 - here we go again
Epov
The airport was busy for a Thursday afternoon, I expected a lot of men or women in suits flying to and from places on business, but today I all could fucking see were families and couples everywhere. Fathers were chasing their sons around the seats with a toddler dangling from his arms like an extra body apart waiting to fall off, the mothers were checking in their handbags making sure they had all their passports, tickets, baby wipes, while the children were too excited to sit in one place so they would jump from chair to chair irritating their parents every 5 minutes asking if that was their plane over this way or that way.
Looking around my seat, boredom was fucking kicking in when I spotted a brown haired little boy about 10 years old sitting against the window looking at all the planes outside while a blonde girl sat next to him reading a book. The scene before me was so familiar, that little boy was me a few years ago. I felt the longing in my heart when I think about how my family had gone on so many holidays with Bella's family. Every year our families would join together, pick somewhere hot with a big beach and lots of water sports and we would all fly out together. We'd spend two of the best weeks together enjoying the sunshine and water which was something that rarely happened in folks, well the sunshine at least, there was plenty of fucking water around with the forks weather.
I remember our holiday in California when things first changed between me and Bella.
" Edward come on, I want to get on a sports ride man," Emmett yelled at me, I had agreed to spend the day trying out all the water sports rides that was available, now that I was fifteen, 5ft 6in and still growing I was allowed on most of the rides. I was excited to try them out, I had watched Emmett for the last three year go on rides that was I was either too short or young to go on and now I can go on anyone I want, but Bella was still really small and a lot younger than me therefore she would be refused the rides. She said that she didn't care, that she wanted to go shopping and sunbath by the beach but I knew Bella and even though she is a girl, she doesn't like shopping unless it was in a book stores so I knew that she was lying.
"Edward, come on."
"What about Bella, we can't leave her on her own Em," I questioned the guilt sitting in my stomach.
"Bella's fine, she wouldn't like them anyway, come on." I finally agreed and went grumpily with him, I felt really guilty, leaving my best friend behind.
We had spent hours trying out all the rides that were there and eventually we went back to the hotel when we had ran out of money.
My skin felt hot and tingly from the sun, I knew that this was the start of my sunburn I just hope that it is to bad that I get sunstroke. I didn't want to spent the rest of my holiday sick.
"Ah your back Edward, how's was your day son?" My father asked from the sofa that was in the hotel family room. He was leaning down with my mother beside him watching some Spanish show.
"It was good dad, I think I got sunburn though" I answered him while trying to look at my back in the main mirror.
"How many times do I have to remind you to kept applying sunscreen, you don't want skin cancer Edward?" My father signed and ran his hand through his blonde hair, it was a habit that I had picked up on when I worried or nervous.
"I did put some on dad; I guess I never put on enough. I'm gonna go take a shower,"
I didn't wait for them to reply, I really wasn't in the mood for my father's lecture on skin cancer again. Sometime it was great haven your father as the local doctor but often he would lecture me about shit like how unhealthy I was eating McDonalds all the time instead of a healthy meal or that smoking was the number one source for cancer. I loved my dad, I wanted to be doctor just like him but I promised myself that I would leave the doctor in hospital and be Edward at home when I was older. My son can eat all the McDonalds he wanted, hell I will be there eating them with him.
I quickly ran a cool shower and slowly stepped in, the water burned on my skin, cooling down the sunburn. My mind drafted off to Bella, I felt really guilty for leaving her alone. I know she said she didn't mind but I also know that Bella would say anything if she thought it would make other people happy. Maybe I could make it up to her, spend tomorrow with her, doing anything she wanted to do, yeah that's what I'll do, make her pick something that she really wants to do and I would do it with her.
I was thinking about the plan that had formed in my head while I got out the shower, dried my body and wrapped the towel around my waist. I started humming a tune that had started to build in my head for the last couple of days, I didn't know what it was but I knew that I had to get down on paper as soon as I got home.
I stopped still when I opened the bathroom door. Bella was sitting on the edge of my bed, her long hair was tied in a high pony tail and she was wearing a pair of denim jeans and a white t-shirt. She looked adorable, she always looked adorable to me even on Sundays when we would sat around and watch Friends on the TV and she was in her holey sweats and her dads t-shirt.
"Hey," I mumbled quietly.
"Hey" she answered. "Your mum told me to tell you to be ready in an hour."
"Ok,"
I walked over to my suitcase and pulled out a pair of jeans and t-shirt.
"Can you wait here for a sec, I want to talk to you about something." She nodded her head and I hurried back into the bathroom to get dressed.
Bella was still sitting on the bed when I went back into my room so I sat beside her. I don't know why I was suddenly so nervous, it was only Bella, she was my best friend but right now something was different and I didn't know what it was. It was like this earlier, or yesterday or even the day before when she stayed over at my house and we both fell asleep on the couch and I woke up the next morning with her head on my chest and our legs wrapped around each other.
"I'm sorry I left you on your own today," I blurted out.
"It's ok, I never excepted you to hang out with all the time Edward, I'm glad you got to have fun with Emmet."
I watched as she bit in her bottom lip, something was worrying her, she always bite her lips when she was worried.
"If you're ok with it, than what's wrong?"
She let out a deep sign. I could feel my heart beat speed up and hands started to sweat, what the hell was wrong with me. I couldn't shake the tension in the room and I have no idea why it was even there.
She finally looked at me, her deep brown eyes stared at me and I felt a chill run down my spine. It was like she was looking into my soul searching for something. The feeling in my stomach and they way she was looking at me was starting to scare the crap out of me.
"Bella, what is it?"
"Can you kiss me please?" What? Kiss her?
"Kiss you?" I asked, my eyes were wide with shock. I don't know what shocked me more, the fact that Bella - my best friend, who I had knew my whole life, who I used to share a bath with, - wants me to kiss her or the fact that I realized that I really wanted to kiss her.
" I made some friends today, they are my age and well, they were talking about what boys they have kissed and what it was like. I didn't know what to say to them as I've never kissed a boy, I mean really kissed a boy, not like the kiss we give each other at Christmas and they made it sound like it was good and fun. I really want to try it and I don't want just anyone to be my first kiss Edward…"
She looked at me from under her eyelashes, her eyes pleading with me. I don't know why or where these feelings had suddenly came from but I really wanted to say yes to her.
"I want it to be with you."
" I don't know Bella, I want to, I really want to, but what if your dad find out, he has a gun and I'm fifteen almost sixteen Bella and your only Thirteen, I don't think your dad well…" I was rumbling until she placed her small finger over my mouth. I suddenly wanted to kiss her finger, taste her. Well my hormones are alive and kicking today.
God Charlie is going to fucking kill me.
"My dad doesn't need to know and you're not that much older, Emmett kissed Rose and he's a little older than you are."
"What? When?"
"Christmas, Rose told me,"
"Oh, I still don't know" I was nodded my head trying to get the perverted thoughts out of my head.
"I trust you Edward; I want my first real kiss to be with you, not some stupid boy I don't know"
"What boy?" I asked her with venom in my voice. I didn't want any other boy kissing my Bella.
My Bella?
"Sam, one of the boys that I meet today, he asked if he could kiss me." I watched as she licked her lips, making them all kissable.
I looked her straight in the eyes.
"Are you sure?" I asked, I want to make sure that she really wanted this. She nodded her head, never taking her eyes from mine. I could see the honest and lust behind them. She really wanted me, Bella wanted to kiss me. My heart leapt at the thought of Bella wanting me, only me.
For the first time I had butterflies in my stomach, I had kissed a few girl before but I had never had these type of feeling before.
I looked at her lips, than her eyes and she done the same. I slowly moved my head closer to her, Bella copy my moves until I could feel her lips pressed against mine. There was a warm burning feeling flowing through my body, making me feel alive. I had no idea what it was but I wanted more off it. I pulled away and looked at Bella making sure she was okay, she just looked at me, smiled and looked at lips again. I didn't have a chance to think about anything before her lips were back onto mine; this time they started moving with each other. The burning feeling was getting stronger and than Bella moaned. She moaned in mouth and suddenly my teenage hormones were in overdrive, fighting to get some release.
I'm not sure how long we continued to kiss like this but I wanted more. I wanted to taste her, feel her tongue against mine.
"Bella" I whispered in to her as we pulled apart to take a quick breath.
"Edward." she whispered back to me and push her lips back onto mine again. I pulled her body closer to mine and ran my tongue along her bottom lip, silently asking if she wanted more. She grabbed me tightly by the hair, opened her mouth and pushed her tongue passed my teeth and touched the top of my tongue with hers. a moan escaped my mouth this time before I could control it, this feel so good.
I had let her take the lead, as she had never done this before and I wanted her to explore me, show me what she wanted. However a little guidance didn't hurt, so I gentle wrapped my tongue around her and than sucked on her bottom lips. A louder moan escaped her mouth making my heart do cartwheels. I could feel myself getting harder with her body being so close, I had to stop before it got out of control but fuck this felt so amazing I never wanted it to end. But if I wanted to live I had to stop.
I gentle pulled away from her, resting my forehead on hers, trying to control my breath.
"Bella, baby," I whispered to her, I didn't really know what to say. How do you tell your best friend who is three years younger that they have just gave you the kiss of your life. That your body is screamer for more, without feeling like a pervert or scaring her away.
"That was amazing Edward, Thank you." She ran her hand along my cheek and in that moment I knew things had changed for us. I knew that she want me, I could see in her eyes.
I spent the next year and half stealing little kisses like that from her, I made sure that they didn't go any further than just kisses. She was too young, too innocent. But one new years eve when Bella was fifteen and I was eighteen I approached Charlie half an hour before midnight and admitted that I was in love with his daughter.
He laughed at me and told me that he already knew that but we would talk about later. I told him I wanted to tell her and kiss her at the bells, he just nodded his head and repeated "just a kiss" to me, I knew that was my warning from him. At midnight I asked Bella to officially be my girlfriend and kissed her, showing her everything I felt for her.
There were no more innocent kisses after that night.I had finished two packets if skittles while I had taken my trip down memory lane.
I put the third packet in my pocket for on the plane. The little boy and girl had gone when I looked over to where they had been. I hope that boy's life doesn't hold the same fate as I mine, I wouldn't wish for this fucking life on anyone. Well I could think of a few little shits. I took a deep breath, I really wanted to stay calm while I make the trip but truthfully I fucking tired from of building myself up in hope of some good news about Bella only for it to be shattered when nothing has been found.
I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket so I pulled it out and read the text quietly.
I'm here
I looked up at the main doors and smiled at her, watching her golden blonde hair dangled around her shoulders, while resting on top of her checked shirt as she approached me.
"Let me get that."
I grabbed the large fucking girly holdall that she was carry around with her. I never understood why she would pack so much shit for one night, two at the most, but as she reminded me, so many times is that she is a girl and girls need more shit.
"Thanks Edward, where are going this time?" she asked, her voice sounded tired. I looked closely at her, she had dark circles under her eyes and her face was pale, very pale.
" Em, San Francisco," I paused well she just nodded her head, she really did looked too pale.
"Rose, are you feeling ok?"
She signed "Yeah I'm fine,"
I did not believe her, her eyes looked sad and her face was drawn, as if she had been up all night worrying about something. I arched my right eyebrow to let know I wasn't buying her story.
"I don't want to talk about it right now sweets," she gave me a small smile asking me to leave her alone. So I did. For now.
We made it to San Francisco almost three hours later. The sky was getting dark and my body was getting tired but my mind was alive. A thousand different scenarios were forming in my head of what I may find tonight. What if this girl is Bella? Than what? Do I ask Charlie to fly over or do I send the body over to forks. What if it isn't Bella? Do I keep looking for her while I'm here? My mind was thinking of practical solutions while my heart felt like it breaking again from the idea of that dead girl being Bella.
We checked into the Millbrae California Green Hotel as it was the closes hotel to the fucking airport that had rooms available at short notice. I just wanted to get to the hospital and get this shit over with. We had done this so many time before that I was good at blocking out the event, but somehow today it was different. I was scared shitless, I was terrified that this feeling may mean that it is Bella this time, that my gut was wrong and I'll never get her back.
"Good evening sir," an older woman asked.
I signed and nodded my head in disgust, this women was about forty. She looked good for her age with her long blonde hair and glassy eyes but she was about the same age as my mother. She had a twinkle in her eye and licked her lips at me, staring me. I knew the signs, women would hit on me all the time but I really was not in the mood for this shit. The fact the Rosalie was standing next to me, her small hand linked with mine obviously meant nothing to the women behind the desk.
"Cullen," I grunted at her, trying not to make eye contact.
"Oh yes, here we are, Cullen, room 32." Rose stepped in front of me, grabbed our keys and gives the women a huge dazzling smile.
"Come on honey, let's go to our room." She emphasized the word our and I just smiled at the women as a scowl appeared on her face.
"Lead the way baby."
The room was small but cozy, there was large king side bed in the middle of the room with bedside cabinets at each side. The walls were beige with a painting above the bed.
I placed our bags on the desk in front of me and turn around to find Rose sitting on the edge of the bed putting her hair into a high ponytail. I stared at her for a couple minutes.
There was no doubt that Rose was a beautiful women, she was tall, curvy, blonde and had a passion for cars. She can bring any man to his knees and was unbelievably loyal to the people she loved.
I was gratefully to say that she is my best friend. It still amazes me how much things change. Rosalie used to hate me; she was Bella's best friend and was never shy in telling us how much she disapproved of our relationship.
But now she is the only person who stood by me in everything I did. She supported when I changed my major and never judged my reasons for doing it. She has joined me in every trip I have taken to find Bella. She was the only person that sat besides my hospital bed all-night waiting for me to wake after I tried to fucking end my life. She was the one who broke my nose when she found a bag of coke in my flat. She was the one who was with me when I brought Tanya home for the first time. Tanya is one that made me feel something again; she makes me want to live, to love. Rosalie was the one guiding me, supporting me, believing in me, listening to me cry about my heartache.
Rosalie was always the strong one in our relationship.
But right now she looked weak and vulnerable; she didn't look like Rose I knew.
I moved and sat beside her, placing my arm around her waist so she would try to move away.
"Rose?"
She turned and looked at me, her big blue eyes was glassing over with tears.
"Talk to me. We're not going anywhere until you tell me what's going on."
She signed and wiped the tears that had fallen. She whispered something so low I couldn't hear.
"What?"
Still not looking at me she answered, a little louder this time.
"I'm pregnant."
"Pregnant? Rose look at me please,"
She lifted her head and turned toward. Pregnant? I'm sure my face showed how shocked I was. But I tried to keep my emotion in check.
"Why are crying? Don't you want this?" I asked
" agh, I do. I've always wanted kids you know that, but I wanted to be married first, with a job and house." She pulled away from my arms and started to pace the tiny floor in front of me.
" How am I going to look after a baby Edward, I'm still at college, I don't have any money and I live in a dorm with three other girls."
"Who's the dad?" I asked, Rose wasn't the type of girls who would just sleep with a guy because she felt like it. So I had an idea who it was and I was praying I was wrong.
The look on her face told me that I wasn't
"For fuck sake Rose, after everything he's done." I was trying not to shout at her, she was upset enough.
"He changed?"
"Really, have you fucking told him?" She just nodded her head, telling me she hadn't told him.
"Why not. If he's changed so fucking much than why have you not told him you're pregnant?" I yelled at her.
"I thought he had changed his mind about us, I thought he wanted to get back together." She yelled back at me, a sob escaping her.
"He told me that he was sorry, that he still loved me but didn't want to be with me." Her voice breaking at the end. I moved across to her and wrapped my arms around her. I knew she still love Emmett, he was to her what Bella was to me. I never understood why he dumped her when he needed her the most and has continued to push her away every since.
"Shh, it will be ok, I promise."
"Can we talk about this later; we need to get to the hospital right now." She mumbled into my chest. I ran my hand up and down her back hoping to comfort her in some way.
" Ok, we will talk about this later, everything will be ok. I promise Rose." I looked at her in the eyes, my green on her blue, making sure she knew how serious I was. She nodded her head again that she understood.
"I'm just going to wash my face than we can go."
I now hated fucking hospitals, the smell, the coldness, even the sound of everyone fucking shoes got on my nerves.
I no longer believed it to be a place for people to heal, for doctors to save lives or for children to be brought into the world.
Now it was a building that was full of individuals dying, leaving the world. For families to be rip apart or lives to be stolen from them.
It was the place that I now feared the most.
My biggest fear was that it would be here in a hospital where I would have to say goodbye to my love. Going through these doors to find her laying lifeless body laying on the table. I thought it would get easier they more I did this, but every time I stood outside the doors, I found it harder to walk through them.
I paced outside the door where I knew the girl - which Jenks believes to be my Bella- lay behind.
My hands felt hot and sweaty and the nausea is rolling around in my stomach waiting for the exit sign to my throat. My mind was praying that it was not her, that I could spend at least one more day believing she was out there, alive.
After about half an hour after we arrived we walked through the door. I always called them the doors of destruction, no matter who was behind that door; somebody was losing a loved one. Someone's life was being destroyed. Please don't let it be mine.
Rose grabbed my hand squeezing it hard. I knew this was just has hard for her, Bella was like a sister to Rose, over the last four years she has become like sister to me and I was fucking grateful she was here.
I stared at the glass window, waiting for the curtains to open. My body felt so heavy, so heavy that it was almost falling to the ground. I squeezed Rose hand tighter trying to hold onto something that was real because this didn't feel real. It never did.
"Edward, breath." Rose whispered into my ear.
I closed my eyes really tight and started to take deep breath. I felt like I was drunk, my body was shaken and my head felt like it was swaying as if I was standing on a boat. I guess it was also like I was floating, but I couldn't get of the ground as my body was weighting me down. I was always nervous and always felt nausea in my stomach when I viewing a body, the feelings were almost the same as when you are waiting for the dentist to pull your teeth out or the feeling you get in the pit of your stomach as you wait for the big drop on the rollercoaster rides.
But this feeling was more, it was deeper and it was scaring the shit out of me.
"Edward, are you going to be ok?"
I just nodded my head; I was scared the nausea would have finally made its way to my throat.
"The curtains are opening" she informed me.
I could this. It is not Bella, it is not Bella.
I felt Rose gasp and throw her head into my chest which made my eyes fly open.
There laying a cold table was a young girl about nineteen, twenty. Long brown hair that was flowed down the side of her body. Her face was pale and innocent, she looked like she was sleeping. I could see the bruises around her neck. She had been murdered, someone had marked her body.
I felt a burn in my stomach building as I stared that the girl, it was grew stronger the longer I stared.
I wanted to scream but I couldn't move my body, all of it was shaken.
It felt like I was standing there for hours even though it was only minutes, maybe even seconds.
My brain was telling me to look away but my eyes refused to move, freezing my body in place.
That changed the moment that burning and the nausea began to become too much and turned around pulling away from Rosalie and threw up in the corner of the room.
The airport was busy for a Thursday afternoon, I expected a lot of men or women in suits flying to and from places on business, but today I all could fucking see were families and couples everywhere. Fathers were chasing their sons around the seats with a toddler dangling from his arms like an extra body apart waiting to fall off, the mothers were checking in their handbags making sure they had all their passports, tickets, baby wipes, while the children were too excited to sit in one place so they would jump from chair to chair irritating their parents every 5 minutes asking if that was their plane over this way or that way.
Looking around my seat, boredom was fucking kicking in when I spotted a brown haired little boy about 10 years old sitting against the window looking at all the planes outside while a blonde girl sat next to him reading a book. The scene before me was so familiar, that little boy was me a few years ago. I felt the longing in my heart when I think about how my family had gone on so many holidays with Bella's family. Every year our families would join together, pick somewhere hot with a big beach and lots of water sports and we would all fly out together. We'd spend two of the best weeks together enjoying the sunshine and water which was something that rarely happened in folks, well the sunshine at least, there was plenty of fucking water around with the forks weather.
I remember our holiday in California when things first changed between me and Bella.
" Edward come on, I want to get on a sports ride man," Emmett yelled at me, I had agreed to spend the day trying out all the water sports rides that was available, now that I was fifteen, 5ft 6in and still growing I was allowed on most of the rides. I was excited to try them out, I had watched Emmett for the last three year go on rides that was I was either too short or young to go on and now I can go on anyone I want, but Bella was still really small and a lot younger than me therefore she would be refused the rides. She said that she didn't care, that she wanted to go shopping and sunbath by the beach but I knew Bella and even though she is a girl, she doesn't like shopping unless it was in a book stores so I knew that she was lying.
"Edward, come on."
"What about Bella, we can't leave her on her own Em," I questioned the guilt sitting in my stomach.
"Bella's fine, she wouldn't like them anyway, come on." I finally agreed and went grumpily with him, I felt really guilty, leaving my best friend behind.
We had spent hours trying out all the rides that were there and eventually we went back to the hotel when we had ran out of money.
My skin felt hot and tingly from the sun, I knew that this was the start of my sunburn I just hope that it is to bad that I get sunstroke. I didn't want to spent the rest of my holiday sick.
"Ah your back Edward, how's was your day son?" My father asked from the sofa that was in the hotel family room. He was leaning down with my mother beside him watching some Spanish show.
"It was good dad, I think I got sunburn though" I answered him while trying to look at my back in the main mirror.
"How many times do I have to remind you to kept applying sunscreen, you don't want skin cancer Edward?" My father signed and ran his hand through his blonde hair, it was a habit that I had picked up on when I worried or nervous.
"I did put some on dad; I guess I never put on enough. I'm gonna go take a shower,"
I didn't wait for them to reply, I really wasn't in the mood for my father's lecture on skin cancer again. Sometime it was great haven your father as the local doctor but often he would lecture me about shit like how unhealthy I was eating McDonalds all the time instead of a healthy meal or that smoking was the number one source for cancer. I loved my dad, I wanted to be doctor just like him but I promised myself that I would leave the doctor in hospital and be Edward at home when I was older. My son can eat all the McDonalds he wanted, hell I will be there eating them with him.
I quickly ran a cool shower and slowly stepped in, the water burned on my skin, cooling down the sunburn. My mind drafted off to Bella, I felt really guilty for leaving her alone. I know she said she didn't mind but I also know that Bella would say anything if she thought it would make other people happy. Maybe I could make it up to her, spend tomorrow with her, doing anything she wanted to do, yeah that's what I'll do, make her pick something that she really wants to do and I would do it with her.
I was thinking about the plan that had formed in my head while I got out the shower, dried my body and wrapped the towel around my waist. I started humming a tune that had started to build in my head for the last couple of days, I didn't know what it was but I knew that I had to get down on paper as soon as I got home.
I stopped still when I opened the bathroom door. Bella was sitting on the edge of my bed, her long hair was tied in a high pony tail and she was wearing a pair of denim jeans and a white t-shirt. She looked adorable, she always looked adorable to me even on Sundays when we would sat around and watch Friends on the TV and she was in her holey sweats and her dads t-shirt.
"Hey," I mumbled quietly.
"Hey" she answered. "Your mum told me to tell you to be ready in an hour."
"Ok,"
I walked over to my suitcase and pulled out a pair of jeans and t-shirt.
"Can you wait here for a sec, I want to talk to you about something." She nodded her head and I hurried back into the bathroom to get dressed.
Bella was still sitting on the bed when I went back into my room so I sat beside her. I don't know why I was suddenly so nervous, it was only Bella, she was my best friend but right now something was different and I didn't know what it was. It was like this earlier, or yesterday or even the day before when she stayed over at my house and we both fell asleep on the couch and I woke up the next morning with her head on my chest and our legs wrapped around each other.
"I'm sorry I left you on your own today," I blurted out.
"It's ok, I never excepted you to hang out with all the time Edward, I'm glad you got to have fun with Emmet."
I watched as she bit in her bottom lip, something was worrying her, she always bite her lips when she was worried.
"If you're ok with it, than what's wrong?"
She let out a deep sign. I could feel my heart beat speed up and hands started to sweat, what the hell was wrong with me. I couldn't shake the tension in the room and I have no idea why it was even there.
She finally looked at me, her deep brown eyes stared at me and I felt a chill run down my spine. It was like she was looking into my soul searching for something. The feeling in my stomach and they way she was looking at me was starting to scare the crap out of me.
"Bella, what is it?"
"Can you kiss me please?" What? Kiss her?
"Kiss you?" I asked, my eyes were wide with shock. I don't know what shocked me more, the fact that Bella - my best friend, who I had knew my whole life, who I used to share a bath with, - wants me to kiss her or the fact that I realized that I really wanted to kiss her.
" I made some friends today, they are my age and well, they were talking about what boys they have kissed and what it was like. I didn't know what to say to them as I've never kissed a boy, I mean really kissed a boy, not like the kiss we give each other at Christmas and they made it sound like it was good and fun. I really want to try it and I don't want just anyone to be my first kiss Edward…"
She looked at me from under her eyelashes, her eyes pleading with me. I don't know why or where these feelings had suddenly came from but I really wanted to say yes to her.
"I want it to be with you."
" I don't know Bella, I want to, I really want to, but what if your dad find out, he has a gun and I'm fifteen almost sixteen Bella and your only Thirteen, I don't think your dad well…" I was rumbling until she placed her small finger over my mouth. I suddenly wanted to kiss her finger, taste her. Well my hormones are alive and kicking today.
God Charlie is going to fucking kill me.
"My dad doesn't need to know and you're not that much older, Emmett kissed Rose and he's a little older than you are."
"What? When?"
"Christmas, Rose told me,"
"Oh, I still don't know" I was nodded my head trying to get the perverted thoughts out of my head.
"I trust you Edward; I want my first real kiss to be with you, not some stupid boy I don't know"
"What boy?" I asked her with venom in my voice. I didn't want any other boy kissing my Bella.
My Bella?
"Sam, one of the boys that I meet today, he asked if he could kiss me." I watched as she licked her lips, making them all kissable.
I looked her straight in the eyes.
"Are you sure?" I asked, I want to make sure that she really wanted this. She nodded her head, never taking her eyes from mine. I could see the honest and lust behind them. She really wanted me, Bella wanted to kiss me. My heart leapt at the thought of Bella wanting me, only me.
For the first time I had butterflies in my stomach, I had kissed a few girl before but I had never had these type of feeling before.
I looked at her lips, than her eyes and she done the same. I slowly moved my head closer to her, Bella copy my moves until I could feel her lips pressed against mine. There was a warm burning feeling flowing through my body, making me feel alive. I had no idea what it was but I wanted more off it. I pulled away and looked at Bella making sure she was okay, she just looked at me, smiled and looked at lips again. I didn't have a chance to think about anything before her lips were back onto mine; this time they started moving with each other. The burning feeling was getting stronger and than Bella moaned. She moaned in mouth and suddenly my teenage hormones were in overdrive, fighting to get some release.
I'm not sure how long we continued to kiss like this but I wanted more. I wanted to taste her, feel her tongue against mine.
"Bella" I whispered in to her as we pulled apart to take a quick breath.
"Edward." she whispered back to me and push her lips back onto mine again. I pulled her body closer to mine and ran my tongue along her bottom lip, silently asking if she wanted more. She grabbed me tightly by the hair, opened her mouth and pushed her tongue passed my teeth and touched the top of my tongue with hers. a moan escaped my mouth this time before I could control it, this feel so good.
I had let her take the lead, as she had never done this before and I wanted her to explore me, show me what she wanted. However a little guidance didn't hurt, so I gentle wrapped my tongue around her and than sucked on her bottom lips. A louder moan escaped her mouth making my heart do cartwheels. I could feel myself getting harder with her body being so close, I had to stop before it got out of control but fuck this felt so amazing I never wanted it to end. But if I wanted to live I had to stop.
I gentle pulled away from her, resting my forehead on hers, trying to control my breath.
"Bella, baby," I whispered to her, I didn't really know what to say. How do you tell your best friend who is three years younger that they have just gave you the kiss of your life. That your body is screamer for more, without feeling like a pervert or scaring her away.
"That was amazing Edward, Thank you." She ran her hand along my cheek and in that moment I knew things had changed for us. I knew that she want me, I could see in her eyes.
I spent the next year and half stealing little kisses like that from her, I made sure that they didn't go any further than just kisses. She was too young, too innocent. But one new years eve when Bella was fifteen and I was eighteen I approached Charlie half an hour before midnight and admitted that I was in love with his daughter.
He laughed at me and told me that he already knew that but we would talk about later. I told him I wanted to tell her and kiss her at the bells, he just nodded his head and repeated "just a kiss" to me, I knew that was my warning from him. At midnight I asked Bella to officially be my girlfriend and kissed her, showing her everything I felt for her.
There were no more innocent kisses after that night.I had finished two packets if skittles while I had taken my trip down memory lane.
I put the third packet in my pocket for on the plane. The little boy and girl had gone when I looked over to where they had been. I hope that boy's life doesn't hold the same fate as I mine, I wouldn't wish for this fucking life on anyone. Well I could think of a few little shits. I took a deep breath, I really wanted to stay calm while I make the trip but truthfully I fucking tired from of building myself up in hope of some good news about Bella only for it to be shattered when nothing has been found.
I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket so I pulled it out and read the text quietly.
I'm here
I looked up at the main doors and smiled at her, watching her golden blonde hair dangled around her shoulders, while resting on top of her checked shirt as she approached me.
"Let me get that."
I grabbed the large fucking girly holdall that she was carry around with her. I never understood why she would pack so much shit for one night, two at the most, but as she reminded me, so many times is that she is a girl and girls need more shit.
"Thanks Edward, where are going this time?" she asked, her voice sounded tired. I looked closely at her, she had dark circles under her eyes and her face was pale, very pale.
" Em, San Francisco," I paused well she just nodded her head, she really did looked too pale.
"Rose, are you feeling ok?"
She signed "Yeah I'm fine,"
I did not believe her, her eyes looked sad and her face was drawn, as if she had been up all night worrying about something. I arched my right eyebrow to let know I wasn't buying her story.
"I don't want to talk about it right now sweets," she gave me a small smile asking me to leave her alone. So I did. For now.
We made it to San Francisco almost three hours later. The sky was getting dark and my body was getting tired but my mind was alive. A thousand different scenarios were forming in my head of what I may find tonight. What if this girl is Bella? Than what? Do I ask Charlie to fly over or do I send the body over to forks. What if it isn't Bella? Do I keep looking for her while I'm here? My mind was thinking of practical solutions while my heart felt like it breaking again from the idea of that dead girl being Bella.
We checked into the Millbrae California Green Hotel as it was the closes hotel to the fucking airport that had rooms available at short notice. I just wanted to get to the hospital and get this shit over with. We had done this so many time before that I was good at blocking out the event, but somehow today it was different. I was scared shitless, I was terrified that this feeling may mean that it is Bella this time, that my gut was wrong and I'll never get her back.
"Good evening sir," an older woman asked.
I signed and nodded my head in disgust, this women was about forty. She looked good for her age with her long blonde hair and glassy eyes but she was about the same age as my mother. She had a twinkle in her eye and licked her lips at me, staring me. I knew the signs, women would hit on me all the time but I really was not in the mood for this shit. The fact the Rosalie was standing next to me, her small hand linked with mine obviously meant nothing to the women behind the desk.
"Cullen," I grunted at her, trying not to make eye contact.
"Oh yes, here we are, Cullen, room 32." Rose stepped in front of me, grabbed our keys and gives the women a huge dazzling smile.
"Come on honey, let's go to our room." She emphasized the word our and I just smiled at the women as a scowl appeared on her face.
"Lead the way baby."
The room was small but cozy, there was large king side bed in the middle of the room with bedside cabinets at each side. The walls were beige with a painting above the bed.
I placed our bags on the desk in front of me and turn around to find Rose sitting on the edge of the bed putting her hair into a high ponytail. I stared at her for a couple minutes.
There was no doubt that Rose was a beautiful women, she was tall, curvy, blonde and had a passion for cars. She can bring any man to his knees and was unbelievably loyal to the people she loved.
I was gratefully to say that she is my best friend. It still amazes me how much things change. Rosalie used to hate me; she was Bella's best friend and was never shy in telling us how much she disapproved of our relationship.
But now she is the only person who stood by me in everything I did. She supported when I changed my major and never judged my reasons for doing it. She has joined me in every trip I have taken to find Bella. She was the only person that sat besides my hospital bed all-night waiting for me to wake after I tried to fucking end my life. She was the one who broke my nose when she found a bag of coke in my flat. She was the one who was with me when I brought Tanya home for the first time. Tanya is one that made me feel something again; she makes me want to live, to love. Rosalie was the one guiding me, supporting me, believing in me, listening to me cry about my heartache.
Rosalie was always the strong one in our relationship.
But right now she looked weak and vulnerable; she didn't look like Rose I knew.
I moved and sat beside her, placing my arm around her waist so she would try to move away.
"Rose?"
She turned and looked at me, her big blue eyes was glassing over with tears.
"Talk to me. We're not going anywhere until you tell me what's going on."
She signed and wiped the tears that had fallen. She whispered something so low I couldn't hear.
"What?"
Still not looking at me she answered, a little louder this time.
"I'm pregnant."
"Pregnant? Rose look at me please,"
She lifted her head and turned toward. Pregnant? I'm sure my face showed how shocked I was. But I tried to keep my emotion in check.
"Why are crying? Don't you want this?" I asked
" agh, I do. I've always wanted kids you know that, but I wanted to be married first, with a job and house." She pulled away from my arms and started to pace the tiny floor in front of me.
" How am I going to look after a baby Edward, I'm still at college, I don't have any money and I live in a dorm with three other girls."
"Who's the dad?" I asked, Rose wasn't the type of girls who would just sleep with a guy because she felt like it. So I had an idea who it was and I was praying I was wrong.
The look on her face told me that I wasn't
"For fuck sake Rose, after everything he's done." I was trying not to shout at her, she was upset enough.
"He changed?"
"Really, have you fucking told him?" She just nodded her head, telling me she hadn't told him.
"Why not. If he's changed so fucking much than why have you not told him you're pregnant?" I yelled at her.
"I thought he had changed his mind about us, I thought he wanted to get back together." She yelled back at me, a sob escaping her.
"He told me that he was sorry, that he still loved me but didn't want to be with me." Her voice breaking at the end. I moved across to her and wrapped my arms around her. I knew she still love Emmett, he was to her what Bella was to me. I never understood why he dumped her when he needed her the most and has continued to push her away every since.
"Shh, it will be ok, I promise."
"Can we talk about this later; we need to get to the hospital right now." She mumbled into my chest. I ran my hand up and down her back hoping to comfort her in some way.
" Ok, we will talk about this later, everything will be ok. I promise Rose." I looked at her in the eyes, my green on her blue, making sure she knew how serious I was. She nodded her head again that she understood.
"I'm just going to wash my face than we can go."
I now hated fucking hospitals, the smell, the coldness, even the sound of everyone fucking shoes got on my nerves.
I no longer believed it to be a place for people to heal, for doctors to save lives or for children to be brought into the world.
Now it was a building that was full of individuals dying, leaving the world. For families to be rip apart or lives to be stolen from them.
It was the place that I now feared the most.
My biggest fear was that it would be here in a hospital where I would have to say goodbye to my love. Going through these doors to find her laying lifeless body laying on the table. I thought it would get easier they more I did this, but every time I stood outside the doors, I found it harder to walk through them.
I paced outside the door where I knew the girl - which Jenks believes to be my Bella- lay behind.
My hands felt hot and sweaty and the nausea is rolling around in my stomach waiting for the exit sign to my throat. My mind was praying that it was not her, that I could spend at least one more day believing she was out there, alive.
After about half an hour after we arrived we walked through the door. I always called them the doors of destruction, no matter who was behind that door; somebody was losing a loved one. Someone's life was being destroyed. Please don't let it be mine.
Rose grabbed my hand squeezing it hard. I knew this was just has hard for her, Bella was like a sister to Rose, over the last four years she has become like sister to me and I was fucking grateful she was here.
I stared at the glass window, waiting for the curtains to open. My body felt so heavy, so heavy that it was almost falling to the ground. I squeezed Rose hand tighter trying to hold onto something that was real because this didn't feel real. It never did.
"Edward, breath." Rose whispered into my ear.
I closed my eyes really tight and started to take deep breath. I felt like I was drunk, my body was shaken and my head felt like it was swaying as if I was standing on a boat. I guess it was also like I was floating, but I couldn't get of the ground as my body was weighting me down. I was always nervous and always felt nausea in my stomach when I viewing a body, the feelings were almost the same as when you are waiting for the dentist to pull your teeth out or the feeling you get in the pit of your stomach as you wait for the big drop on the rollercoaster rides.
But this feeling was more, it was deeper and it was scaring the shit out of me.
"Edward, are you going to be ok?"
I just nodded my head; I was scared the nausea would have finally made its way to my throat.
"The curtains are opening" she informed me.
I could this. It is not Bella, it is not Bella.
I felt Rose gasp and throw her head into my chest which made my eyes fly open.
There laying a cold table was a young girl about nineteen, twenty. Long brown hair that was flowed down the side of her body. Her face was pale and innocent, she looked like she was sleeping. I could see the bruises around her neck. She had been murdered, someone had marked her body.
I felt a burn in my stomach building as I stared that the girl, it was grew stronger the longer I stared.
I wanted to scream but I couldn't move my body, all of it was shaken.
It felt like I was standing there for hours even though it was only minutes, maybe even seconds.
My brain was telling me to look away but my eyes refused to move, freezing my body in place.
That changed the moment that burning and the nausea began to become too much and turned around pulling away from Rosalie and threw up in the corner of the room.
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