chapter 3

I need a friend



“Give me another.” I slammed my hand down on the bar and glared at the bartender.
I watched him take my now empty glass and refill it with my favourite whisky.


“ Hi.” I turned to look at who the voice belonged too.


Staring at her I answered. “ Hi.”


“ Can I get you a drink?” Her voice was soft and low, purring in my ear.


I held my glass up at her and smiled. A wide smile appeared on her face and I know that I could have her tonight. I was not trying to be a cocky bastard I was just good at reading people and I know when someone wants me.


“I’ll get it.” I mumbled.


I took a closer look at the girl, her hair was soft and wavy, her skin flaw less and golden, her lips full, eyes sparking and legs that went for miles underneath her short black dress. I wonder how far I could go with her. Maybe she could break my curse, she had nothing on my Bella but she was gorgeous.


“ I’m Kelly.” I took her hand and kiss it.


“ Edward. “ I announced myself, my voice low and husky.


We talked for the next hour and I found out the usual information; single, no children, worked in a hotel, blah blah. I tried really hard to listen to everything she had been saying, but I could not get my brain to think of anything but what I have witnessed at the hospital.


" Do you want to get out of here?" She asked leaning towards my ear.
Here smell flowed around me, pulling me back to reality.


"Sorry?"


" Do you want to get out of here?" she asked again, licking her lips.


I could do this, I could, couldn't I.


"Sure." I placed my hand in hers, there was no tingles there, no electricity, no heat. I wonder if I’ll ever feel these feelings again with someone. But I won’t get my hopes up, only one girl could make me feel that way and right now I’m trying to block her out of my head.


We walked out of the club heading for the car park, my thoughts drafted to Rose and the changes in her life. I knew what I wanted to do to help her but I also have no idea if she would take my offer or kick my arse for suggesting it.


"This way."



She pulled me into an empty alley.


" Here?" I questioned.


"Yeah, I need you now."



She pulled me against her roughly, just the way I liked it.


I grabbed her hair feeling how soft it was. I really didn't want to fuck her here in a dark, dirty alley - well I was hoping that I would be able to fuck her - maybe it was better to just do it here while I’m aroused.


Her small hands moved slowly up my chest, passed my shoulders around my neck and into my hair. I could feel the Goosebumps on my skin. Maybe things could change tonight, maybe I could fuck someone else beside Heidi.


One of my hands was still in her hair and the other was grabbing tightly to her waist, pulling her closer to my body. I wanted to feel her against me, all of her. I could see her in the light from the gap in the alley, she was fucking hot. I could just make out her grey eyes as they looked into mine. I pulled her face closer to mine and pushed my lips roughly to mine.


My body relaxed against hers, pushing her further into the wall while pressing my body in hers trying to create some friction, the kiss soon grew deeper and depressant, it wasn't romantic or intense like it hoped, it was needy and sloppy, teeth clenching, tongue pushing and pulling.


My hands made their way down her body landing on her arse. I squeezed them roughly, she moaned in my ear and I could feel myself get harder, so far, so good.
I pushed my hips into her more, excited that this was going my way. I wanted to be inside her so badly. She explored my mouth, our tongues fighting for domaince.


I never noticed her hands had moved down my body, until she was trying to unbuckle my belt. I was so happy at how my body was reacting towards this women. Moving my hands from hips to her thighs finding that her dress was around her waist already. When did that happen.



My belt was loose and my zip was down. shit, this happening too fast for my brain to keep up. I quickly moved my hand to her panties, pushed it aside and ran a finger up and down her folds.
Fuck, she was so fucking wet.


"You made this way hot stuff." Fuck I must have said that aloud, I decided to response to her by pushing a finger inside her.


"Oh god Edward, that feels so good." She moaned in my ear. My jeans had fallen onto the ground and her hands moved over my arse again, I added another finger inside stretching here.


"I want you to fuck me now," She was panting heavily, my fingers pumping in and out of her. My head fell on her shoulders, my breath short and heavy.


"Fuck" I mumbled adding my thumb to rub her clit and pumping faster.


"Oh god, Edward, yes."


A huge smile was on my face as I watched her come apart on my hand and also because that I was still so fucking hard it hurt.


"Edward, I want you inside me." She begged, while pulling at my boxers.


"God Yes." If I wasn't in her soon I was going to combust.


I grabbed her thighs with both hands and lifted her up, she wrapped her legs around my waist and my hips buckled into her, I could feel her heat against me. Fuck this was going to happen. My head was swimming from the alcohol I had been drinking all night. Fuck why do always drink so much, images of a white broken body answered my question. I shook the thoughts out of my head I did not want to think about that right now.


"Edward, what's wrong?" she asked, concern in her voice.


"Nothing,"



I crashed my lips to her moving my erection closer, but I felt myself soften a little and panic was building inside. Shit no, I was still hard enough, maybe when I get inside her I will harder more again. Forcing my body closer to her again, I grabbed my cock and pumped myself furiously with one hand and holding her up with the other.


" i hope you like it hard and fast sweetheart," i mumbled " this wouldn’t be nice."


She moaned loudly and it sounded wrong. It was all wrong, the alley, her touch, her smell, it was all wrong.


As quickly as I realised that, my erection disappeared. Fuck.


"Shit" I spat out.


"Edward, please, I can't wait anymore." She begged again. I was still pumping myself hoping my body would cooperate.


I looked her in the eyes, a frown formed on my face, this wasn't going to happen.


" I,I can't, I can't do this, I'm sorry." I stuttered.


"What!" she shouted. Fuck she was pissed. so was I.


" What the fuck, Edward." she started to yell.


" What happened?" she then asked her voice a bit softer after taking in the disappointment in my face.


" I just can't do it" My voice was soft and small.


"But everything was good, you wanted me, I felt it." I pulled away from her slowly, trying to avoid looking her.


"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Her voice was still low but it hard and cold. Bitch, now I was pissed at her.


"There is nothing wrong with me you bitch, my body just doesn't want you. I don't fucking want you." I spat out.


I quickly pulled up my boxers and jeans up and buckled my belt.


" Oh don't give me that shit, you were begging for me."


" Don't kid yourself sweetheart, I’m a very good actor, my dick took one look at you and fucking ran for the hill."


"You fucking arsehole." Her voice full of venom.


"Tell me something I didn't know" I replied in my sweetest voice.


"Fuck you" she yelled at me again, turned around and walked out of the alley, away from me.


" Fuck."


I grabbed my hair in anger, making it stick up in every direction. Why the fuck does it always happen, every time I try to have sex a girl my body always fails me.
Fuck, fuck fuck.” my anger was building up, reading to explore.


“Fucking son of bitch.”


“Hey dude, you ok?” A young boy stood at the end of the alley where Kelly had just passed.


“Fuck off” I yelled at him. The boy just groaned and walked away. Why? Fucking why?


A sharp pain shot up my arm the same time as I heard a crushing sound of the bones in hand.


“ Argh, Son of a mother fucker, fucking bitch” I yelled so loud I was sure my parents could hear me in fucking Forks. My knuckles were scrapped, my hand throbbing against the stone wall.


“Shit” I knew I had broken my hand, I could see small bones through my skin. My eyes clouded over with tears that were falling down my face. My body gave way and I fell to the ground on my knees holding my hand against my body. My forehead thumped against the wall.


I knew she had saw me, I could feel her eyes watching me ,her perfuming flowing up my nose.


“Sweets?” she asked, making sure it was me. I didn’t look at her, shame covered my whole body.


“I can’t do this anymore Rose.” I sobbed, the lump in my throat to strong to ignore. “ I can’t do it,”


I can feel her crunch beside me, her eyes still moving over her body.


"Do what?" She asked, her voice was gentle and full of concern. The air was thick and heavy, it was still dark, only the glow from the street light covered the pavement and walls with a yellow shine.


"Bella."


My heart clenched as I whispered her name. Rose moved closer to me and started to run her hand in my hair, comforting me, in a mothering gesture, she was going to make a great mom, even if she didn't know it yet.


My sobs grew quicker making my body shake. I wanted to pull away from Rose, I didn't deserve her comfort, but I couldn't done this alone. As much as she was my best friend, Rosalie had never saw me cry before, I have never spoke about the pain that runs through me everyday, I usually kept my feelings to myself and allowed it to consume me when I was alone.


" Edward, it wasn't her. We will find her, it's okay." She whispered sweetly into my ear. I turned around letting my body fall completely on to the ground, Rose was already sitting down so I throw my head into her lap and my arms around her waist, needing her comfort.


I never craved comfort this this before, even when Bella disappeared I never wanted comforted, I just wanted my girl. But right now I needed someone, something, I was tired and lonely. For four years I have closed my self off from the world and everything in it, living in my memories of when I was once happy. Rose never talked about Bella unless we were flying to and fro countries looking for her, we spent the first year barley talking at all to each. But the more time we spent together the more comfortable I was around her and eventually she became my best friend that I would do anything for. However that now leaves me scared and vulnerable, she could walk away from me at any time and I know that I would not make it through this time. not only would I be losing my best friend but I would feel like I was also losing another part of Bella.


"Don't leave me" I sobbed when I felt her move.


"I’m not leaving sweets, just moving to get more comfortable."


I clinged to her tightly, crying into her lap. Man I’m such a pussy. I don't know how long we sat there but Rosalie never tried to move me or push me away. She allowed me to cry until I had no tears left while running one hand through my hair and the other along my cheek, wiping any tears that fell. My heart swelled with the love I felt for Rose. I had never told her I loved her, these words held so much to me. I knew I had to tell her, she was my best friend, she was my family, beside Tanya she was all I had.


"Rose," I choked out, my throat dry from the crying.


"Yeah."


I turned my head and kissed her torso still amazed that she was having a baby. I heard her sign in contentment, still playing with my hair. maybe she would be okay with my idea.


" I’m sorry." I answered guilt and shame laced in my voice.


"Sit up." She ordered. I followed willing and sat beside her with my head on the wall.
She grabbed my face and looked me straight in the eyes, I could see the anger, pain and love behind them. I wanted to cry again witnessing how much she cared for me.


"Don't you apologize to me Edward Cullen, I have waited for years for you to breakdown and finally let me in."
I signed and closed my eyes, I didn't know that I was crying again until I felt her wipe them away. "You have keep everything inside you, carrying all this pain and misery to yourself, you never talk to anyone about it. I though maybe Tanya would break you down but even though she has helped you deal with who you want to be now, you still keep your feelings locked up in here." She placed a hand over my clothed heart emphasizing her point. "So don't even tell me your sorry for expressing how you feel sweets, even when you are being an arsehole." She laughed lightly, trying to break the tense.


I smiled at her and she kissed my forehead, while my eyes still closed I allowed myself to embrace in my friend's love.


"Thank you" I whispered back. She giggled quietly letting go of my face.


"Rose" I opened my eyes and locked them with Rose‘s.



" I love you" I whispered.


Her eyes widened and for a second I thought that I had scared her, I held my breath until a small smile appeared on her glowing face.


" I love you too sweets." My smile grew matching hers.


"Not romantically though." She giggled. I felt a laugh escaped my mouth. She knew that I didn't have an feeling like that for her and I felt she didn't have any for me, that was what made us work. She was like a sister to me But it didn't stop her from making jokes about us together.


"Ah but Rose," I teased " You know you want me."


"Come on Casanova, let's go back to the hotel and talk. My arse is numb from sitting on the ground."


" Oh shit Rose, I’m so sorry that can't be good for the baby."



How the fuck did I not think of that, it is late and cold and made her sit on the cold ground for god know how long when she has a new born growing in her. Fuck I’m failing her already.


" It's alright, the baby is perfectly warm and safe in my womb, it's me that fucking cold." she laughed easing my worry.


"Can we go back to the hospital first, I think I broke my hand." i had done good in ignoring the throbbing pain in my hand.


"Fuck Edward what did you do?"
" I punched the wall." She just laughed at me pulling me out of the alley and back into the now empty street.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

After 5 hours in A&E we arrived back to the hotel hungry and exhausted. I flopped onto the bed, burrowing my head into the pillow. I could her Rose moving around the room, her stomached rumbled loudly reminding me that we still needed to eat. I laughed into the pillows. It had been a long day; emotionally and physically, I felt like shit and my hand throbbed. I knew Rose didn't feel great either, I really wanted to sleep but I knew we had to eat.


"Why don't you take a shower while I get food to feed my girls." The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.


"Your girls?" Her pale face full of shock staring at me.


" Yes, that is my niece inside your tummy." I moved over, bent down and kissed her abdomen.


" Aren't you sweetheart."


" Are you crazy, Edward?" Rose's mouth was wide, her blue eyes blazing.


"Yes, but we can talk about when I get back." My voice was firm and confident, letting me know how serious I was.


"Only if we talk about what happened tonight in that alley?" I signed and nodded my head. I needed someone to know the truth about my actions if i wanted to change. I left Rose in the hotel and found a 24hrs garage and bought some sandwiches, chips, juice and some orange juice for the baby. I didn't know anything about babies but I remember ed Tanya mention that it was good for her bones.


Rosalie was laying on the bed when I got back, the horrid smell of nail polish filled the room.


"Fuck Rose that stinks" I moaned with a scowl on my face.


"It's only nail polish sweets, deal with it. what did ya get?" she asked.



I tossed the food I had bought her onto the bed before making my way to the bathroom. After a quick shower and changed of clothes I settled on the bed stuffing my face. I don’t think I tasted my sandwich it was gone so quick, but at least the ache in my belly was filled, however the ache in my heart was only tamed at he moment. I could still fell it brewing within me, I guess it will never go away.

Rose had been watching me since I came out of the bathroom, probably waiting for me to breakdown again.



“ What?” I mumbled through the food in my mouth.



“ What happened?” She asked straight to the point. Her long blonde hair was pulled into a high ponytail and she was wearing a cute purple shorts and t-shirt set, her face still pale and her blues held sadness and curiously.



I took a deep breath and decided that I needed to tell her everything.



“ I’m not really the manwhore that I make out I am.” My eyes closed, picturing all the times I had taken girls back to hotels. “ I can never go through with it.”



“Through with it?” she repeated in question. “You mean sex?” I opened my eyes, nodding my head at her. “ But I’ve saw you with loads of girls?”



“ I know, things usually go good until the moment” I used air quotes so she knew what stage I was talking about, her eyes wide and her mouth opening. I looked away from her, not wanting to see the disgust in her eyes.



“ Why did you make out that you had sex with them when you never?” I shrugged my shoulders, still not looking at her, the plastic sandwich container suddenly looking very interesting. “ You must know Edward, you made out that your this arsehole that doesn’t care of how he treats woman and how he could get anyone he wants.”



The tone in her voice was sharp and cold, I knew she would be disgusted with me, but I was tired of pretending to be someone I was not. I was tired of not living anymore. Bella would be so disappointed in me if she could see the man I had become.



“Edward look at me.” I turned my head around and looked at her, I was surprised to see that the sadness was still there on her face but there was also worry and relief. What was she relieved about.



“ Why did you lie Edward?” I pinched the bridge of my nose while I tried to think of the best way to explain my actions.



“I’m not really Rose.”



“Yes you do. So tell me” she demanded.



“ ahh.” I started to pace the room hoping it will calm my nerves. “ I wanted a way to forget about everything, even for just a minute, I just wanted to get lost in someone who didn’t know me or what had happened. It was almost like I could be someone else. I wasn’t Edward Cullen the man who lost the love his life, half of his soul. I was Edward Cullen, nobody.”



“Edward.” Rose whispered slowly, I raised my hand to her, I didn’t want to stop now that I started, for the first time ever I wanted to talk about what happened and how I felt.



“ I met the first girl a few months after Bella, well you know, em well I took her back to my hotel nut things turned sour very quick. I thought maybe it was because I had been drinking non-stop but when it happened the next night and the next I knew my theory was wrong.”



I sat down on the bed my body felt very heavy again like it did at the hospital.



“ I felt like I was cursed. I had failed Bella and this was my punishment. Every time I went out or meet a girl that showed any interest in me I tried to prove that I was wrong and I was not cursed.” I signed, placing my head in my hands and than between my knees.


“ Edward. You did fail Bella, it was not your fault that she disappeared.”



“ I was supposed protect her Rose, keep her safe and I didn’t.” I stressed, my eyes glazing over.



“ She was taken from her room Edward, let’s not go there yet okay, you were telling how you lied about sleeping with all those women.”



“ Okay, God I guess I just kept trying and people noticed me with the girls and assumed I had slept with them, I never denied it because I guess, I never cared.” I mumbled the last part.



“ Or maybe because you felt like you were failing.”



Somehow I had moved toward the top of the bed and was leaning against the headboard. I noticed that I was missing a lot of little things lately.



“ Your mind believes you failed Bella and now failing as a man.” I never thought of it that way. But that wouldn’t explain Heidi.



“Okay, em well I did manage to sleep with one person.” I said slowly.



“ Who?”



“ Heidi.”



“ Okay I’m confused.”



“ Me too but somehow my dick has a mind of his own and he likes Heidi, she’s the only women that I’ve fuck in four years, I don’t know why Rose, I don’t even like the women.”



“ Maybe that’s why. Think about Edward, Heidi is everything you detest in a women, the opposite of Bella and I mean this in the best way, but maybe you just don’t care about Heidi. Maybe because you know what kind of person Heidi really is than you don’t care how you treat her. It’s different with girls you just meet because you don’t know anything about them and they are nice women when you meet them.”



I listened to Rose’s theory, but I was now more confused than I was before.



“ I don’t know Rose I …”



“ Edward you are a good guy, I know I didn’t like you before but now I know that deep down, that you Edward Cullen…” she placed both of her hands on my face and turned my head so that I had to look into her baby blues. “ have one of the biggest hearts in the world, look at what you have done for Tanya, everyday you work your arse off trying to get ahead in your job and find as many people as you can as well as search the world for Bella. You never give up Edward.”



I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her close to me.



“ I can’t Rose, I can’t believe she’s gone.” I choked, my chest tighten.



“ I know, but sweets you do have to move on as well, you’ve been stuck in this depression stage for years now, I don’t know what you have to do but you have to find peace with yourself and move on.”



I signed again, my head was now sore and I really just wanted to go to sleep and for get all about this fucking awful day.



“ Can we just go to sleep now, it’s late and I’ve had enough for one day.”



Rose just nodded her head and moved under the covers, I got up and turned the light off and got into the bed.



“ Rose.” I whispered



“ Yeah,”



“Don’t give me an answer, think about it fisrt, but I want you to move in with me. I could help you look after the baby and when school starts again we can sort something out between us. My house is big enough and I have plenty of money to support you.” I faced her, the light from the moon shining her face, there was tears falling down her cheeks, I kissed her forehead.

“ you are not alone in this, I want you both to stay with me. I want to take care of you and my niece, think about it. I love you.” I turned back around, closing my eyes enjoyinng my body relax and sleep slowly take.



“ Biggest heart ever.” I heard her whisper in the dark.